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06th Dec 2016

Helpful suggestions for rebranding racism after the ‘Alt-right’ were rumbled

It's no longer Alt-right on the night

Nooruddean Choudry

Branding is so important these days.

We are constantly bombarded with information and ads from various different outlets, so it’s vital that you stand out. Whether it’s corporate enterprises or political organisations, everyone wants to captivate the attention of the masses and get their point across. Brand recognition is key.

With this in mind, you’ve got to feel for xenophobes and racists. There is no denying that they’ve enjoyed a hell of a year, what with far-right nationalism on the rise across Europe, and Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign proving a stunningly effective exemplar in poisonous rabble-rousing.

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That said, they are in need of yet another rebrand. As we all know, more transparent descriptors – such as ‘racists’ or ‘white supremacists’ – are frowned upon as ‘problematic’ these days because they come across as, well…a teensy bit racist and white supremacist.

It is part of the reason why Adolf Hitler plumped for Nationalsozialismus, instead of plain old ‘Fascist Jew-haters’. Then of course he shortened it to ‘Nazi’ to make it more catchy and hashtag friendly. But alas it wasn’t long until even the term ‘Nazi’ was seen as a bit off, so it was back to the drawing board!

The latest umbrella term for your friendly neighbourhood fascists/racists/xenophobes is the ‘Alt-right’. Despite the fact it sounds like both a keyboard command and a dodgy electro-pop group, the trendy new moniker has been extremely successful as a socially acceptable synonym for racist-y racists.

Sadly, even this harmless term for people who hate other people is now under threat (I know, I know – it really is political correctness gone mad!) The libtards, ruddy feminists, and corrupt mainstream media are on a real downer about using it any longer, and so yet another reinvention is required.

With this in mind, here are a few possible alternatives to rumbled ‘Alt-right’:

The Melaninally-Challenged

Pros: Beat the PC-gone-mad brigade at their own game by making clear how not being a member of an ethnic minority (and thus lacking melanin pigmentation) is basically a disability these days. Maybe push for free parking too.

Cons: People might get confused and think it’s some kind of Melania Trump Appreciation Society. Also, it’s a bit too close to ‘mentally-challenged’, and that kind of goes against the whole racist-friendly phrenology argument.

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The Neo-Supremes

Pros: It’s fresh, it’s positive, and it sounds kind of fabulous. Much like ‘alt-‘, ‘neo-‘ is a convenient prefix for old-fashioned ideologies of hate to zhuzz them up a bit for a new generation. ‘Supremes’ as in ‘supremacists’, but catchier.

Cons: Sounds like a tribute act for Motown chart-toppers the Supremes. Not only were they lacking in any white members whatsoever – quite the contrary in fact – but they were strong independent women and that’s a big no-no.

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Pros: Shortening or abbreviating words has always worked a treat for far-right groups, all the way from Nazis to the KKK. This essentially takes two central tenets of the cause – nationalism and the sanctity of Western society – and combines the two.

Cons: There may be copyright issues with this one.

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Factor 30

Pros: It’s a clever one this, and could potentially take the media even longer to cotton on to than ‘Alt-right’ really just meaning racist misogynists. The basic premise being that only people who need to wear factor 30 sun cream are okay.

Cons: It sounds a bit like Combat 18 and that could give the game away. Also, it may discourage potential members who have white supremacist tendencies but at the same time enjoy sporting Donald Trump style tangerine tans.

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Burka Patrol

Pros: Let’s face it, Muslims are the real enemy here, with their Muslamic rayguns and halal Nando’s. This will make it clear that women must be free to wear what they want – unless it’s the burka and various other things decided upon by men.

Cons: Burka Patrol actually sounds like a really cool cartoon featuring renegade Muslim women cleaning up the streets using ninja skills and stuff. Totally the wrong message.

Sharia Sheriffs

Pros: As above.

Cons: As above.

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The Culturally Uniform Nationalists Teaching Separatism

Pros: It’s perfect. Cultural uniformity is the very antithesis to the type of inclusive multiculturalism that is ruining our once great country. Separation of different creeds and cultures is the only way forward. Nationalism is the only way forward.

Cons: Nothing. Zero cons. C.U.N.T.S sums up the Alt-right perfectly. You’re welcome, racists!

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