We’d be first in the queue.
Now that Tayto Park have called their big new roller-coaster attraction, Cú Chulainn, it has inspired us to have a bit of craic and have a look at what an exclusively Irish theme park would look like.
The Tax Dodgems
From multi-award winning bands to big corporations, we have a lovely heritage of dodging all things tax. You step into the vehicle, drive around and avoid all checkpoints. If stopped you will be asked to STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE.
The Ghost Estate Train
A train that goes around an eerily empty, half-finished housing estate. Feel the terror as you are brought around dark, unlit roads with the odd bit of spider web rubbing off your face.
The Tunnel of Begrudgery
Similar to the tunnel of love, except when you start the journey in the little car with your other half, all you hear is tutting and whispering. You can barely make out something along the lines of ‘I hear they’re not even married’ or ‘They think they’re so in love. The state of them.’
The Irish Water Log Flume
This ride will not be available when the park opens and will probably take months to install. If it does open, it’ll be the most expensive ride in the park, but we’ve been told that the ride will be the best one in the park in the years ahead for our grandchildren and their children.
The M50 Shades of Grey Ride
Okay, 50 Shades is not Irish, but Jamie Dornan kind of is and that’s tenuous enough for us. This ride (no pun intended) will be be you sat in a car, not moving much and being pelted with butt plugs.
The Stephen Ferris Wheel
Like your typical Ferris wheel, except it won’t be operated by machinery. It’ll be operated by the giant Ulster man who will just stand there and spin it himself with his colossal frame. He’ll accept euros.
Spacer Mountain
We’re quite excited about this one. It’s a mountain full of spacers. You pay your money and then attempt to climb the mountain and along the way you will meet spacers. People roaring stuff like ‘Jesus!!! My underpants are at home!’, ‘Does anyone know the way to Amarillo?’ or ‘I pour jam on me chips.’
The Mechanical Bull McCabe
As you can guess, this is the traditional mechanical bull, but instead of a bull, it’s our favourite field minder, Bull McCabe. If you manage to stay on it for the allotted time, you will be given a field as a prize. No Americans will be allowed on this ride.
The Crystal Swings
Just like the more popular Chair-o-planes, you take your seat and as soon as the ride starts turning, the Huckelbuck song comes on. This is a limited addition experience as the people who get on, never get off. You are left spinning into oblivion for all eternity as that song is played over and over.
The Ronan Keating Roller-Coaster
Shtep right up folksh! Evaluate your life and agree or disagree with Mr Keating’s assertion that your life is just like this ride. It’ll take you through the Boyzone and then all of a sudden you’ll be in the seat alone, followed by a trip down under with you ultimately screaming ‘JESUS CHRIST! (Shupershtar)’.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
