Good evening Ireland and that’s an order. Have no plans? Read on…
Prepare yourself for anything on a night out…
You’re over at your friend’s house before you and the lads head out on the town, the craic is 90, and spirits are high, the night has endless possibilities…
You can go to your favourite bar for a quiet one, you can explore the city and see what happens, the night is yours…
That’s all great until you flick on RTE news to find a flustered Sharon Ní Bheoláin reportedly an impending ALIEN INVASION ON IRELAND!!!
As we said, literally anything could happen so here JOE’s five most important tips to help you survive the Alien Invasion coming your way…
1. Get to Area 51, pronto…
Okay, the last-minute flight might be a little bit expensive but as far as we’re aware Area 51 could be the safest place for everyone.
They have all the defence weapons we’d need to fight off those pesky aliens but getting there is the problem, there aren’t many flights from Ireland to the Nevada area so you’ll have to get booking straight away.
If you do manage to get a flight, we advise you to avoid the window seats, streams of alien spacecrafts passing you isn’t exactly a recipe for a comfortable flight.
2. Ring your old buddy, Predator…
In these kind of situations, you need experience and who’s experienced in fighting aliens, Predator.
If you had Predator leading you through this battle you would have a pretty good chance of coming out the other side.
He proved he can work with humans at the end of Alien v Predator so he’s a team-player, he’s enormous and most importantly, he’s good at fighting.
His communication skills aren’t the best, he screams a lot; so maybe whatsapp or email him…
3. Find the makers of Space Invaders and get them to help you…
Tomohiro Nishikado is the man you need to track down. He created Space Invaders, the game who’s purpose is to destroy alien invaders.
The game format will give you the perfect training for a situation like this and it shows you exactly how to defeat the aliens. Since Tomohiro created it, we presume he has some inside information on how we can defeat our scary visitors.
It’s hard to know how much a video game released in 1978 can help us but we’re desperate here!
4. Somehow supply the Aliens with excellent telecommunication devices…
If we’ve learned anything from movies it’s that the aliens love talking to the other creatures back on their own planet, they want to phone home.
Why don’t we make it easier for them to do that by leaving our smartphones, tablets, laptops, carrier pigeons and tin cans tied together out in the open for the aliens to find…
The hoping here is that there may be an emergency back on their own planet. Maybe a cow is calving or the immersion is left on for too long, JOE’s thinks they would leave us alone then, although a tip would be to install the ‘Find my device’ app beforehand.
5. Distract them with saucers and attack…
You know when you’re driving down the road or walking down the street and a car that looks like your friends drives past. You’ll probably give a double-take and it’ll take a bit of time to figure if it is or isn’t indeed your friend.
Let’s do that to the aliens…
JOE’s plan is to transform a clay-pigeon shooter into some sort of modified saucer/plate shooter. The aliens will spot these disc shaped objects flying through the air, they’ll turn to see if it’s one of their friends in a flying saucer, then BANG! We’ll fire whatever the Government or President assign us to fight these bad boys.
I love it when a plan comes together….
Brought to you by Jameson…
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
