How important are you? This is the narcissist’s guide to giving up Twitter.
Next time you contemplate announcing your departure from social media, know that we’re on to you. And nobody bar the most sycophantic follower (or your mam) will notice your absence.
This is how it all plays out…
Day 1. Announce to your followers that you are thinking of taking a break from social media.
Day 2. Quote tweet your own tweet in which you threaten to take a break from social media, with the line, “Still thinking about it.”
Day 3. Announce to your followers that, “I am closing down my Twitter account in exactly six hours”.
Day 3 + 6 hours. Announce to your followers that, “Yes, it’s true, I’m actually doing this. I’m leaving Twitter.”
Day 3 + 9 hours. Having spent three hours refreshing those notifications, tweet a final “K Bye.”
Day 3 + 10 hours. …and a final FINAL, “I’m really doing this. Over on Instagram if you need me. Over and out.”
Day 4. Check notifications. One retweet. Two likes. All bots.
Day 5. Check notifications. One reply. Thanks Mam.
Day 5 + 1 hour. Smugly state that being off Twitter is way less toxic than being on Twitter and how your emotional intelligence has improved drastically since giving up social media.
You announce this on Twitter; how else will people notice your absence if you’re not there to tell them how you’re not there anymore?
I can’t stomach any more Trump Derangement Syndrome, Brexit hysteria, Omarosa bullsh*t or ‘Madonna inspired me to be f***ing annoying’ birthday tributes.
Frankly, I’m bored witless by all YOUR opinions…and by MY opinions.
So I’ve gone to this beach for a Twitter detox. Bye. pic.twitter.com/owL2Vlye0P— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) August 16, 2018
Day 6: Lurk. Search your name for mentions.
Day 7. Lurk. Search your name for mentions.
Day 8. Lurk some more. Still no mentions.
Day 9. Accidentally on purpose retweet a Buzzfeed article about the dangers of social media addiction without even a trace of self awareness.
Day 10. Write a Medium.com article about your reasons for deleting all social media apps from your phone as though absolutely nobody has written that exact fucking article before.
Day 11. Still no mentions. Still no Change.org petition to get you back on Twitter, even though you still haven’t technically left Twitter.
Day 11 + 2 hours. Tweet to promote your new book of six-word stories, signing off with, “Still off Twitter, tweeps! The publishers made me tweet this!”
Day 12. Tweet, “Love being off Twitter, peeps, nobody bringing me down.”
Day 13. Tweet, “Still loving being off Twitter, folks. You should all try it some time. Don’t be a hostage to @Jack. Free yourselves. READ A BOOK!”
Day 14. Tweet, “Back on Twitter by popular demand!” even though the only evidence of any demand, or your popularity, can be found on your mam’s timeline. Bless her.
Day 15. Tweet, “I’m quitting Facebook.”
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