Just in case you were doing well at keeping your New Year's resolution.
News of Krispy Kreme's imminent arrival in Dublin has undoubtedly generated a bit of excitement, made all the better by the fact that it's getting a 24-hour drive-thru too.
It's unhealthy sure, but look, it's also the main reason I've now considered getting a drivers licence.
Of course, another doughnut store landing in Dublin is going to make a few eyes roll. There are in excess of 20 scattered around the place already. We're using the term 'Peak Doughnut' to describe the product's saturation on the market. It's a ridiculous term and even the most evangelical of doughnut lovers are getting a bit jaded by the whole craze at this stage.
This is also due in part to the fact that so much of what is out there just isn't that good. It's too big. There's too much sugar (yes, even for a doughnut). Butter's too expensive, so people are using margarine instead. Actually, the doughnuts are too expensive.
It doesn't feel like it's worth the cost.
And yeah, we'll still eat them, because that's what doughnut lovers do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtEFEdrrXc4
Clip via Leah Heflin
But, at the end of the day, most doughnut fanatics will agree, the semi-stale jam doughnuts flogged at 5 for €2 (at the most) are still a work of art. They're not pretty at all. They are the resistance movement to the glam-doughnut doing the rounds and being flaunted on Instagram by influencers who clearly don't sit and absentmindedly eat a box of twelve while accidentally watching The Boss Baby... twice.
While those overpriced doughnuts look good, it's important to stress something big here. Just because somebody stuck an Oreo or an After Eight into some cream dumped on top of the doughnut, doesn't mean it's good or creative.
So to honour the doughnut good and proper, here are a few of the absent, but most ingenious inventions in the trade.
To those selling our ringed friends, take a few notes.
1. The Peanut Butter and Jam Doughnut
There are a few kinds of peanut butter and jam doughnuts doing the rounds right now. However, there is one that is head and heels over the rest. It lives in Lower Manhattan, but instead of trying to smooth out everything to fit the normal doughnut shape, it is the size of an actual sandwich and about as rough as sandpaper.
Inconveniently delicious.
The best don't conform folks. No, no, this baby is the Bob Dylan of doughnuts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BeXdbKfHqUr/?taken-at=254451158
2. Crème brûlée
This mythical beast populates Japan, and should not be attempted by anyone with high cholesterol.
In most cases, it resembles a baked potato with cheese on top. In reality, it is a miniature bomb, which effectively eliminates all hunger for at least two hours.
If you have the guts to confront two extremely filling treats in one go, the good news is that it could be rolling into town along with the drive-thru, since Krispy have been known to dabble in this darkest of all arts.
Godspeed.
https://www.instagram.com/p/_2uJ2xuDkA/
3. The Holes
The most nonsensical side of the doughnut is the hole is also one of its greatest assets, but ironically nobody bothers to sell these much in any Irish stores.
Just think about it a moment: why can't you just make a doughnut in a ring shape as opposed having to cut out the hole in the first place.
It's ridiculously unnecessary, but so is eating six doughnuts in 10 minutes.
In short, someone needs to start selling these babies. By being as pointless as those people who bake a whole muffin, but only sell the top, the holes are essential to the whole experience.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BeTtgVHHBp1/?taken-by=ofbatteranddough
4. The Old Fashioned
Again, the simplest of things get overlooked sometimes.
Ironically the doughnut called Old Fashioned is one of the least produced in Dublin.
They are rough, extremely straightforward and quite buttery or moist inside despite the fact that they look as dry as a sandal on the beach.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bd9FnX8BrUA/?hl=en&taken-by=wehavedoughnuts
When it comes to drinking coffee however, the Old Fashioned is the only one that actually fits perfectly. Think of THAT handshake in Predator between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers, and imagine that in food form.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItzslynRhwg
Clip via Kalashnikov Artem
5. The Ice Cream Sandwich
If you have never heard of David Chang, today is your lucky day. The Korean-American chef has made a living off creating absolutely bizarre meals and snacks; coffee gravy, frozen hot chocolate, spicy beer, you name it.
A few months ago however, he blew the universe apart by deciding to split the doughnut.
Then, he added ice cream...
The world exploded.
Behold, the doughnut ice cream sandwich, or the reason why you need to start going to the gym more.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BYhFMbej4ae/?taken-by=davidchang
6. Dausage
Okay, a sausage doughnut... This both looks and sounds disgusting.
Actually, that's probably because it is, but still, whoever came up with this deserves praise. It's a terrible idea. Terrible, terrible, terrible. As bad as coddle pizza or sushi croissants, but when the Wright Brothers managed to fly the first plane, it too wasn't exactly great.
But look at us now.
Here's to the future. A place of flying cars, teleportation machines and sausages filled with stawberry jam.
https://www.instagram.com/p/4uX1m7ldfZ/?tagged=dausage
