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11th August 2018
03:00pm BST
When you finish chugging your whey protein shake, please read this important and accurate assessment of you as a person. Your entire personality revolves around the fact that you go to the gym. You proudly stuff your meal prep lunchbox into the work fridge each morning, loudly informing all within earshot that you're 'bulking, not sulking' and 'on the gain train, non-stop high-speed journey to Henchtown'. You bring an enormous kit bag into work every day, which contains a towel, shorts and a t-shirt, but you like the option of being able to fit 7kg of potatoes and a family of 8 inside it as well.
On a typical summer's day, you'll be wearing a tank top that says 'FBI - Female Body Inspector', a long pair of shorts to hide your insufficiently pumped legs and on occasion, a rosary bead necklace. You'll meet the boys down at the park and toss around a frisbee for 20 minutes to garner the attention of any females in the vicinity. After being thoroughly ignored, you'll crack open some tinnies and head back to Jay's to take turns playing Fortnite until someone gets annoyed and heads home. You are still heartbroken after being dumped in year nine, but at least you've got your gym membership to keep you company.
It's very likely that you are reading this on your gold encrusted iPhone X, which you bought after dipping into your hefty trust fund. You parents, by all accounts, are absolutely minted. They have so much money they're not entirely sure what to do with it, so they've started buying property next door to every one of their already existing properties. Luckily you've remained incredibly humble despite being born into such a lavish family. For example, you got the underground one day last year, not even for a dare, you just full on used it as a mode of transportation like a commoner, LOL.
You've got a large group of friends who are also C@$H money recipients. Your go-to summer attire is a pastel shirt tucked into knee-length shorts with a belt, boat shoes and a pair of Wayfarers. You'll wear this outfit exclusively from May-August to your various social engagements, such as watching the polo and making fun of working class people in town. Your parents paid off a girl who accused you of shoving her on a night out because it wasn't worth the hassle of you giving her a well-deserved apology. You work in your Dad's company and every single one of your colleagues despises you, except Dean, but he's a moron.
Wrap Arounds
You are a father of three who loves cycling and reading the newspaper. One time a birthday card made you laugh so hard, you choked on your tea. It said 'Hippy Birthday' and there was a picture of a hippy on the card. Upon further inspection, it turned out that the hippy was you. It was was an old photograph from the 70s. Technology is wild! You love having a can of beer while you're doing the BBQ and can't enjoy Christmas Day unless you're kitted out in a novelty jumper, Christmas cracker paper hat and The Little Drummer Boy is playing on vinyl.
Truly, you exude what it is to be a Dad. Before your children were born, you were a Dad. Some would classify you as a Turbo Dad, but I won't bestow that honour. Not after what you've gone through. Your hero and lycra-wearing inspiration Lance Armstrong was found out to be a massive cheat a couple of years ago. It rocked your world, the very foundation upon which you were built. Heroically, you're still going for a casual cycle down to the village and back once a week to buy the paper, but it's a bittersweet experience. Stick to your morals, champ. Do not let performance enhancing drugs tempt you.
I'll keep this one brief as it's likely that your Nokia 3310 with WAP capabilities will run out of battery shortly. You, my dude, are a gigantic hipster. Not even a regular one, a huge one. You've bought a pair of sunglasses that cost €350 in a bid to seem earthy and neat. You liken yourself to an undiscovered Keanu Reeves and vow to maintain a down to earth lifestyle even when you're incredibly successful and have a net worth of $350m. Heck, you might even ride an adult electric scooter to various movie sets so that everyone can see how chill you are.
Your laboriously minimalist apartment comes with a hefty monthly rental fee, but your Instagram followers don't know that. The truth is, you're financially crippling yourself in a bid to seem as though you're surviving on pittance. The rare LP purchases, frameless glasses, beard oil, intentionally ripped jeans, artisanal coffee beans, they're all bankrupting you. If you were a true hipster, you'd live in a tent and wash your body with leaves. You're not a true hipster, you're a poser. A fakester, if you will. Stop being so try-hard. Smoke a rollie cigarette without a filter, FFS.
Bit of a genius, aren't you Darren? Saved money by buying one single piece of eyewear which serves the purpose of a pair of sunglasses and regular glasses when the situation dictates, didn't you? Unfortunately I've drawn the short straw and must be the one to inform you that you look like a Mum. Specifically, a Mum of four and grandmother to two. Her name is Debbie, she exclusively wears clothes with muted floral patterns and uses orthotics for preventative measures as opposed to out of medically-recommended necessity.
Sure, once the glasses have adapted to their surroundings, you look normal. But for the five minutes it takes for the sunglasses to turn into regular glasses when you move indoors, you look like a sex pest. You're a simple soul who enjoys life's innocent pleasures. Things like remembering to eat a yoghurt the day before it expires, getting to go for free on the bus because the machine is broken and seeing a celebrity in Nando's but taking the moral high ground by not asking to get a photograph with them despite your strong desire to do so. On behalf of society at large, I beg you, please buy a separate pair of glasses and sunglasses before you get preemptively put on the register and no fly list.
Oi oi, the legend bus is now boarding. Can I see your ticket please? Sorry pal, you've got the wrong one. This is for a return journey to Banterville. You'll have to wait at platform 8 for that service, should be along in the next 10 minutes. JUST KIDDING HAHAHA! THE BANTER HAS BEGUN, GET ON BOARD! You are a massive legend who craves banter at any cost. You work all week and boy oh boy do you let loose at the weekends. Sometimes you'll go out at 7pm and not return home until after midnight. Your phone battery will probably die as well!
You still live at home and your Mum does your washing, but it's a good system you've got in place. You pay zero rent and get to have everything done for you, in return, all Mum asks is that you keep your room tidy. Do you do that? Absolutely not, because that is not the way a banter-craving legend lives his life. You've got empty cans of Monster Energy strewn across the floor, dirty clothes, even an empty selection box left over from Christmas. Outside the hours of 9-5pm Monday-Friday, you are banter personified. You were born to party and attend festivals in a onesie. Go forth and live your truth, champ.Explore more on these topics:
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