7 deadly shifts: from the washing machine to the Dyson Fury

Shift happens...

We’ve all been there. Whether it was at the back of Supermac's sharing a taco chip, or with that 100% totally legit, absolutely, definitely real girl who you met “on holidays”, we’ve all had a shite shift at some point in our lives. Yes, it's awkward, and yes, our jaw hurts. We understand and we’re here to help. The Constitution of a Bad Shift is the bible of bad shifting. With such glorious names as “The Slobber Special” and “The Dyson Fury”, it is the definitive list of all gob-lobbing nightmares and shifting styles to be avoided. Submitted to us anonymously*, our aim is to spread awareness of such tonsil tennis traumas to ensure you never shudder in post-snog silence again.

1. The Washing Machine

Circular motion, generally unsatisfactory. “She explored my mouth on full spin.”   2. The Cat A boring and motionless shift. Known to be common with frigids. “Licky Licky."     3. The Slobber Special Like a wet fish. Known to cause lockjaw in extreme cases. "He had the jaw worn off me." 4. The Head-Butt An overly-aggressive shift involving head-thrusting and gripping the neck. "He kept stalling and mauling." 5. The Slug A Dull and dreary shift. Has been known to put people to sleep. "It was silent but deadly."   6. The Dyson Fury Involves a lot of suction. A dry and unmotivated shift. "It was like getting CPR, but in reverse." 7. The Cheese Burger Involves a lot of teeth, and very little tongue. Common among those shifting on an empty stomach. “She ate the face off me." Go forth and shift responsibly. *The person wishes to remain unnamed to protect the identity of the Tinder dates which subjected her to these Crimes Against 'Shift-ianity. In her own words she describes the experiences as the kissing equivalent of "inviting yourself in for tea, and not even bringing biscuits". We can confirm her name does not sound like Sustine Jafford.