Lads, we will have to hand it to you, (not like that, not yet anyway), you haven’t been doing that bad of a job when it comes to sexy time, however, there is always room for improvement.
Here are Her sex tips for those JOEs who may have spent too many hours at home mastering their own joysticks and forgetting that games are always better with two players…
1. Men and Women are not that different
Although statistics have proven that men think about sex in a 24-hour period more than females do, this does not mean that we want it any less, (we’re probably just too busy doing actual work).
We’re very shy and retiring, until it comes to the bedroom, some of us just need a little more coaxing than others. But please know lads, when we want something we will make sure we get it.
2. Role Play
It’s all fun and games until someone gets lost and needs directions. We don’t mind navigating from time to time, but there will come a point when the driver needs to know where to properly park the car – if you catch our drift.
Here is a role we would suggest you try playing for once: ‘Christopher Columbus’. You can get really in to character by investing in a map of the female body and that being said there are a few key things that every man should know the locations of… but you can figure that out for yourself.
3. You are not Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh
Lads, if you aren’t great at initiating a conversation with a woman in a pub or club, what makes you think you’ll be any good at when you’re horizontally dancing? Seriously?
We’re not asking for complete silence, but no one wants a running commentary either. It’s not a football match; we do not need to know when you’re going for a goal. Leave the words ‘pet’, ‘princess’ and ‘babe’ at the door and for once, just once, keep your mouth shut.
4. Just because we’ve had sex does not mean we want to marry you
Contrary to popular belief, we understand The Notebook is a fictional film. We know that Ryan Gosling is an actor and that no Irish man could ever grow a beard that long without a hint of ginger in it.
We don’t want a house, we have resigned ourselves to the fact that kissing in the rain is not romantic, as no one likes getting wet*. And please believe us at Her when we tell you, just because you were the business at the business, does not mean we now want to settle down and have kids with you.
*Terms and conditions apply
5. Usain Bolt is an Olympic champion, you are not
Getting to the finish line in record time, is NOT good for anyone involved. You may not want to miss any Love/Hate, and granted, getting your clothes off and reaching a climax during an advert may well be a record, but it’s not one any woman enjoys setting.
6. Buy us presents, we love presents
Reward your hard work by buying us presents.
Lacy, leather, barely-there presents, whatever you’re into. Lingerie gifts that the majority of Irish women would never purchase for themselves are actually an investment. You’re spending money on us which will make us happy, and when it comes down to brass tacks you will have less to take off.
And while you’ve your wallet out, make sure to get Durex’s new pleasure gels aptly named ‘Embrace’. Warming for her, tingling for you… everyone is a winner.
You don’t have to thank us lads, the pleasure will be all (y)ours…
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
