Search icon

Life

27th Jul 2015

These are, quite simply, the worst kinds of people

We wouldn't let them near the house...

Tony Cuddihy

Get ready to get angry. These people are the worst.

1) American red carpet reporters

“Who are you wearing?”

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 25:  E! LIVE FROM THE RED CARPET -- Pictured: (l-r) Actress Claire Danes and TV personality Giuliana Rancic visit E! 'Live From The Red Carpet' at the 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards held at the Nokia Theater on August 25, 2014.  (Photo by Imeh Akpanudosen/NBC/NBC via Getty Images)

“Well, Anastasia, tonight I’m wearing six-year-old faded jeans from Penney’s along with a grey t-shirt from TK Maxx that’s been through the wash a record 617 times. Yes, that is faded bean juice you see and no, I’m not wearing any underpants. Now leave me alone.”

2) Anyone who’d mime a sexual act behind a live reporter

One of the main reasons we watch Six-One, apart from Dobbo’s superlative sense of style, is to count how many gobshites will stop and stare directly into the camera when David Davin-Power is reporting from outside Government Buildings.

sky_3178156b

That’s nothing compared to the parade of eejits who torment the Sky Sports News reporters on Transfer Deadline Day, however; this is the quality of gentleman who lives off the oxygen of banter, innit, as he twerks and straddles a carrot behind poor Kaveh Solhekol, doing his best to explain why Carlton Cole’s move to QPR has fallen through.

3) Dublin taxi drivers who start a sentence with “I’ll tell you what the problem with this country is…”

The problem with this country is, invariably…

Immigrants; Irish people; other taxi drivers; Michael O’Leary; the Luas; traffic lights; gay people; straight people; the English; American tourists; Spanish students; globalisation; communism; football supporters; GAA supporters; Leinster supporters; people who don’t like sport; the price of drink; the price of petrol; the price of a bar of chocolate; water charges; water protests; the bleedin’ government; Southsiders; Northsiders; pub owners; festivals; banks; Enda Kenny; RTÉ; Cork.

And after all that?

taxi

“That’ll be €26.90, bud.”

4) Chuggers, and the way that they might call you ‘dude’ or ‘man’

I had a pocketful of change and it was heading your way, then you went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like, “hey DUDE how are YOU today? Cheer up MAN you know it might never happen BUDDY.”

Money goes back in pocket, to be spent on a worthy GoFundMe project instead.

5) People who don’t eat the crusts on pizzas

What the actual f*ck?

I put this one to the lads in the office. Paul Moore claims that the best eating is in the meat and everything else is just filler, which might explain the uneaten crusts on his dinner table.

Pizza

Me? I’m of the humble opinion that any uneaten pizza is a crime against food.

6) People who talk at the cinema

OK, one last time, going to the cinema is not an opportunity to catch up on why Michelle and Tadhg broke up, on the reasons why Taylor Swift is, like, rilly rilly sound AND pretty, on… anything at all.

That’s what pubs, sitting rooms, parks, cafés and every-bloody-where else is for.

If you go to the cinema to talk sh*te with your friends, you are positively dead to us.

7) Anybody who uses the words ‘hater’

It’s down there with someone who says “lol” out loud without even breaking into a smile.

In this world of ceaseless, sticky, spludgy positivity you’re branded a ‘hater’ the moment you express even a mildly spicy opinion that sails against the wind of popular public opinion.

Like disliking the music of Ed Sheeran. Or rugby. Or Tayto crisps.

Gripe against any of the above and you’re inviting actual Irish grown-ups to label you a term that originated with chewing gum-popping, ohmigodohmigodohmigodding Californian teenage girls.

Not in our house.