You may protest, but you WILL end up watching at least some of the Toy Show. Just give in.
Much like mulled wine and carols, the Late Late Toy Show is synonymous with Christmas. It’s a tradition that stretches back to before JOE was a babba, so we like to think we’re a bit of an authority when it comes to the language of this unique televisual phenomenon…
1. ‘ The absolute state of his jumper.’
For one reason or another, what Ryan Tubridy wears always gets a lot of attention. Invariably he will wear a Christmas jumper, but as you and I know, every single Christmas jumper is, by its nature, hideous. This comment is, therefore, redundant.
2. ‘Hope he crashes on that tractor.’
Ryan usually likes to get hands on with the toys and at some stage he will attempt to ride a toy tractor of sorts. The begrudgers that we are, we’ll all be willing him to crash into a camera, breaking the tractor and the hearts of toy manufacturers everywhere.
3. ‘Not another bleedin’ song.’
The Toy Show has many performers. Many, many, many performers. Tons of talented kids belting out big musical numbers and of course, the first few will be getting a few ‘awws’ and a few ‘wows,’ but it will eventually descend into ‘Ah heyor, another bleedin song. Just show us the toys, I’m sick of them kids and their high-pitched warbling.’
4. ‘He doesn’t know how to talk to kids that Tubridy fellah.’
Tubs (we call him Tubs cos we’re tight) will speak to lots of kids on the show. They say never to work with animals or kids, but it must be a challenge to work ONLY with kids for a two hour live show. The chances are that not every conversation with one of the kids will hit the spot and that’s when the ‘experts’ will tell us about Ryan’s inability to interact with kids. Despite being a father of two.
5. ‘They should let Dustin present it next year.’
The turkey usually makes an appearance and we are sure he’ll be there tonight popping up with his insults to Tubs and causing general mayhem, but that’s enough about Gay Byrne. Dustin the Turkey will probably show his beak and the Tubs haters will be yelling out to let the turkey take over.
6. ‘Who in their right mind would buy their kid a book for Christmas?!’
Believe it or not, there are those out there who think game consoles, laptops, tablets and all sorts of electronic gadgetry are the only ways to appease kids these days. The book section will be greeted with disdain by the lads who want full on electronics and batteries.
7. ‘Ah look at the cute little working class kid.’
Every year there is always one standout child from the Toy Show. One kid who is blissfully unaware of being on live television, who says something inappropriate or says something incredibly articulate, belying their tender years. That kid will probably come from the inner city or Northside of Dublin.
8. ‘I hear there’s a 27-year waiting list for the Toy Show.’
Admittedly it is nigh on impossible to secure tickets for the Late Late Toy Show (believe us, we tried), but this is nonsense.
9. ‘Worse it’s getting! I’m never watching it again!’
Every year, there is always criticism no matter how good or bad the show has been. It’s the nature of the beast and every year people will swear that they won’t watch it again and every year the viewing figures are enormous. Last year, over 1.4m people tuned in and there wasn’t one bloke called Nidge to be seen.
Plus, it’s always better than the Eurovision.
10. ‘HOW MUCH?!?!?!’
Panic-stricken parents everywhere will recoil in horror when they find out the price of the robot that shoots darts out of its arse. They will facepalm when they hear the price of the doll who can speak in seven different languages, but turns into a vampire at night. Parents will be watching with their kids and coughing very loudly when an expensive looking toy appears.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
