Admittedly, we haven’t watched every single movie on Netflix, but we cannot fathom another cinematic monstrosity on the same level as Nine Lives.
A 2016 release starring Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken sounds like it could be worth a watch, but we feel obliged to inform you all that having a tarantula lay eggs in your ears would be a more enjoyable experience.
(Spoilers aplenty from here on out, but the movie pretty much spoils itself by existing in the first place)
Billionaire Tom Brand’s (Spacey) mind becomes trapped inside the body of family cat Mr Fuzzypants, recently sold to him by cooky cat-salesman Felix Perkins (Walken), after a fall off the soon-to-be largest skyscraper in the Northern Hemisphere leaves him in a coma.
Being a cat leaves Brand downtrodden initially, (he always hated them) but soon he embraces his furry, four-legged prison and uses it to bond with his daughter.
As you will observe from the trailer, these bonding sessions involve normal, everyday, run-of-the-mill cat activities such as acrobatically playing with a ball, dancing with humans and preventing cyber-bullying by flushing a child’s phone down a toilet.
Nine Lives reaches its peak when Mr Fuzzypants scurries to his son David’s rescue. He believes David is going to commit suicide by launching himself off his skyscraper. (This is supposed to be a kid’s film.)
It turns out that David isn’t actually attempting to shuffle off his mortal coil, but rather it’s all a big PR stunt for an incredibly stupid reason that has to happen this way in order for him to overcome his crippling fear of skydiving.
So many layers to this movie.
As obvious as that twist is, it’s impossible to guess when the scene starts due to the distinct lack of parachute.
Enter would-be saviour Mr Fuzzypants, who heroically risks one of his nine lives to save his son.
Mr Fuzzypants grabs a length of hose that has no business being on the roof of a skyscraper before making the jump. Despite being significantly lighter than the fully-grown adult male human, and that pesky hose stalling the momentum of his fall, he’s still able to catch up with his son because… we don’t know, magic?
A few agonisingly long seconds later, the audience realises the wool has been pulled over their eyes.
A wild parachute appears.
Mr Fuzzpants is as shocked by the nonsensical revelation as everyone else.
Mr Fuzzypants’ heroics won’t be in vain though, even though his son wasn’t planning on plummetting to his death. But we’ll come to that in a bit.
Back to the action.
Despite the camera angle suggesting that Mr Fuzzypants was dropping directly above David, the next shot shows that he somehow managed to change ‘air lanes’ at the crucial last moment.
Mr Fuzzypants falls straight down, but now he’s to the right of his son. Although his faster descent means he overshoots the fall, Mr Fuzzypants was able to use that trusty magic yet again to slow himself down and match the speed of the descending human.
Mr Fuzzypants calls to his son who, not only manages to hear the faint meow, but he also manages to pull off a perfectly-executed, unaided mid-fall turn to see the source of the noise.
The cat, of course, follows suit.
Remarkably, David did not recognise the family’s uniquely magical cat at first glance.
The confusion results in the third greatest line in movie history.
Now we find out the reason why Mr Fuzzypants need to follow his son off the building.
Tom was an avid skydiver in his billionaire’s body. Even though he now has whiskers and a fluffy tail, those instincts remained. He was able to tell David the exact moment he needed to pull the cord.
At this point, any normal person would consider the possibility that there was no way in hell that could actually happen in real life. They might conclude that the parachute failed, they were now dead and free-falling with enchanted cats in the afterlife.
They might also consider that their eyes did not deceive them. Wouldn’t this make anyone overcome with sadness? Surely you would take a moment to lament the loss of a magical being that must have been placed on this Earth by some higher power for a great purpose.
David didn’t react either of these ways though.
He was just thrilled that he pulled the parachute on time.
Then came the second greatest line delivery in movie history. This one came from the internal voice of the cat.
“My son, you were a man all along.”
Cue fireworks!
After 72 seconds of nosediving, it becomes apparent that Mr Fuzzypants, the loveable hero of the tale, is actually going to die.
The cat accepts his fate.
However, this is a kids movie, remember? They’re not going to kill a cat on screen.
Instead, as Mr Fuzzypants heads towards the concrete, the pavement transforms into a blinding ball of white. The cat dissipates into the light and the film cuts to Tom in a hospital bed, surrounded by his family.
He wakes up from his coma in a panic, and with his first breath, he delivers the single greatest line in movie history.
End of scene.
If you’re a glutton for punishment and you want to watch the movie in its entirety, you can catch it on Netflix. If you want to spare yourself all that and just watch its stand-out worst scene, just click here.
All screenshots/gifs via Joel Wilson
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