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Movies & TV

09th Feb 2021

Ranking the best fights between John and Mary from Father Ted

"You've a face like a pair of tits"

Paul Moore

Father Ted

“You’ve a face like a pair of tits.”

One of the main reasons why Father Ted is such an iconic show is the incredible array of supporting characters that live on Craggy Island.

Much like the infamous Father Larry Duff, John and Mary had one recurring gag in the episodes they were in but the most deranged couple in TV always made us laugh.

Underneath all the insults, stabbings and drownings, they must love each other. Yeah, right!

Without further delay, here are their best fights.

Father Ted

Episode: Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading.
Why they’re fighting: They arrive on the doorstep of the Craggy Island parochial house, with chocolate in hand, but instantly start fighting and accuse each other of showing off to Father Ted. I reckon they’re just suffering from some Lent crankiness after giving up sweets.
Best insult: Mary to John –  “Oh, Father, you’re brilliant. Father, you should be Pope. It doesn’t impress him. Makes me sick.”
Winner: Mary because she snatches the egg away and gets the upper hand.

Father Ted

Episode: Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep
Why they’re fighting: For some odd reason, John has decided to lock Mary in a cupboard and throw away the key. My theory is that John found out that Mary was flirting with Hud Hastings and Giant Reed.
Best insult: John to Mary – “Ya can stay in there until you learn some feckin’ manners.”
Winner: John starts off on top but Mary delivers the final blow so we’re going to call this one a draw.

John and Mary

Episode: Old Grey Whistle Theft
Why they’re fighting: Mary has decided to try and drown John by submerging his head in a bucket. My take on things is that she’s beginning to suspect that her husband was the whistle thief.
Best insult: Mary to John – “You bastard!”
Winner: Mary because she probably would have finished the job had it not been for Father Ted’s arrival.

Clip via Hat Trick

Episode: Entertaining Father Stone
Why they’re fighting: John’s headache required a trip to A&E, while Mary had a ‘wee accident’ after lifting a bag of coal. It’s either that or else they were beating six shades of shite out of each other with knives.
Best insult: John to Mary – “Shut up ya old bitch.”
Winner: John because he gets the final insult and manages to stay conscious despite Mary’s frequent attempts at stabbing him in the head.

Father Ted

Episode: The Passion of Saint Tibulus
Why they’re fighting: My guess is that Mary wants to stick a knife up John’s arse because he didn’t book tickets to Craggy Island’s latest blockbuster. Is it dubbed or subtitled?
Best insult: It’s all gold, but my favourite line is Mary’s hate-filled delivery of the line “don’t talk to me like that you big pile of shite!”
Winner: They both give as good as they get so I’m going to call this one another draw.

John and Mary

Episode: Good Luck, Father Ted
Why they’re fighting: My theory is that John wasn’t happy that Mary didn’t get the Crunchies out of the car quickly enough.

Father Ted
Best insult: Mary wins, just for this priceless line.

Father Ted

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