Shitting and washing, those babies are recession proof.
LinkedIn is a horrible corner of the internet. It’s like a virtual All Bar One, full of disingenuous people shaming you for not getting up at 4am to neck a smoothie and do some meditation.
That’s why your productivity is down, you’re getting too much sleep. Idiot! The only way to achieve your goals is to strip away any semblance of life from your work/life balance and spend every waking hour doing things you hate, because that’s capitalism, baby.
It’s shit.
But, very occasionally, it can throw up a bit of comedy. For instance, Boris Johnson (or his PA) recently created a page on there for him, which we all had a good laugh about. And now, someone has actually created a profile for Mark Corrigan from Peep Show. Why? F**k knows. But it makes for an enjoyable read.
His list of accomplishments include the catastrophic Business secrets of the Pharaohs book, by Mark “Crorigan” as the phoney publishers printed, as well as the famously unproductive ‘Project Zeus’ workshop, which ended with him pretending to be terminally ill to save face in front of a board of directors. “New wall” is also listed as an accomplishment.
His ‘skills’ section is predictably mundane but it really comes to life under ‘other skills’.
The most intriguing skills listed are “clarinet” – correct me if I’m wrong but did Mark not constantly tell himself he would learn the clarinet and then fail to ever do so? – and “pretending to play football”.
The football scene is unforgettable, as he rocked up to a game of five-a-side to extract information about Dobby’s possible move to New York from her ex, Simon, and in doing so, completely exposed himself as a football virgin. Classic Corrigan.
Ah, Darty. Ain’t no party like a Darty party, etc and so on.
Scroll up to his ‘experience’ section and you are reminded just how many jobs Mark had throughout the show’s nine series.
Remember when Mark tagged along to that Christian Rock Festival? When he and Jeremy destroyed the band manager’s trailer, smashing a crystal skull in the process, and the episode ends with Jez playing a gig on his own, to an audience of one? A sensationally tragic tale, but it still gets a mention on Mark’s CV, under ‘Roadie’.
The description reads: “LIFE 08, Christian Rock Festival. I bought a tour jacket especially. It’s leather and has lapels, so I can wear it to work. Drugs, birds and physical labour – them’s me specialties. Became ‘The Messenger’ in the style of Tony Soprano and an FBI Stripper.”
Mark then spent six years at JLB, before Steffan Straus and the overlords in Frankfurt closed the branch. On his second promotion to senior credit manager, Mark’s LinkedIn says: “I smashed the glass ceiling with my greasy pole. I’ve only got my own bloody little office.”
It’s the small things in life.
Another small job on the list is his short stint as a man with a van, or one of three Men With Ven. The job wasn’t suited to Mark though, as he couldn’t even get a McDonald’s order right.
Also on the list are his various short term spells working as a waiter at Banditos, which ended in horror as he was caught trying to urinate into the sauce in the kitchen to spite a customer, his gig as a tour guide, and his time working with Johnson as executive partner of Consultio/Consultius.
Then of course there is his time as a bathroom salesman, and finally a loan manager at Metro Bank.
“Johnson got me in and he’s off the sauce,” the description reads.
“Finally working at a bank and banks have turned into phone shops. But it is still a bank. I’m The Wolf of Wall Street! Look out Boots, I’m going to buy 100 Meal Deals and eat them off a prozzie in the nude. Gerry’s sales record shits on mine! I need to sell a loan!”
It’s not clear who is behind this LinkedIn account, but it’s fun to imagine the recruiters who might have seen it, having not seen Peep Show and don’t know who David Mitchell is, and offered him work.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
