Using GPS, not solving puzzles and avoiding dolls: JOE’s 5 rules to survive a horror movie

It’s been 18 years since Scream outlined the basic rules for getting through a horror movie. A great deal has changed in the genre since then, but one thing hasn’t: JOE would still totally survive any horror movie...

We don’t just know the rules for surviving horror movies, we wrote the rules. Well we haven’t actually written them down yet… OK, we are presently writing the rules.

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Rule #1 - Be picky when buying a house

JOE: “So tell me about the person who lived here previously.” Estate agent: “It was a serial killer ghost who occasionally zombiefied in this gigantic house, which is over an Indian graveyard. But the house really is cheap. And it comes with a room full of porcelain dolls.” JOE: “We think we'll will pass on this one…” If you do disobey this rule, don’t blame us when appliances start turing on without you touching them. You should also shop around when choosing holiday destinations - Camp Crystal Lake should be avoided at all costs.

Rule #2 – Don’t solve puzzles

JOE has never completed a puzzle in our life, apart from that one time we took all the stickers off our Rubik's Cube. Having said that, JOE has also never been in a situation that would have made for a good horror film. Coincidence? We think not. http://youtu.be/vQ4dnBrtrWc Clip via: mudx0rz

Rule #3 – Don’t follow pets

If you have a pet and you are in a horror movie situation, that animal will invariably run into the dark wilderness. Do not follow. The animal will probably be fine without you anyway. Just look at Jonesy from Alien and Aliens - he's doing great. http://youtu.be/HwaYIwy03l4 Clip via: ImmaDeacon

Rule #4 – Use GPS

You live in the year 2014, there is no reason you cannot use GPS. Also, what’s the deal with shortcuts? What’s the rush? Would you not rather be, you know, alive? If you do get lost and some yokel gives you directions, he is definitely lying to you. Turn around, go home, put the kettle on and wait for all of this to blow over. http://youtu.be/OxuhNXedNqs Clip via: ImageEntertainment

Rule #5 – Don’t buy, inherit or find any dolls

JOE makes a general rule of not going into the doll section of toy stores. We do this not because we are overly paranoid of their freakishly lifelike eyes, but because dolls have a habit of trying to kill you in imaginative ways. Now kites, they’re a much safer investment. http://youtu.be/NSqhmnHmvIA Clip via: xHorrorFesTx

We plan to add to these rules when going to the Jameson Cult Film Club screening of Friday 13^th Part 2 on October 23 & 24. Visit jamesoncultfilmclub.ie for your chance to win tickets. But be quick, Jason’s back and the body count continues.

Become a member of Jameson's Cult Film Club for the chance to win tickets to exclusive screenings.

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