There’s plenty of great songs that have been written to celebrate this time of year. They have no place here.
Some artists manage to make a decent claw wedge out of writing a top quality Christmas song, and manage to survive off the proceeds from that for the rest of the year until the Yuletide season rolls around again the next year.
Obviously, that idea appeals to a lot of people, and everyone tries to jump on the bandwagon and cash in, but the following list of songs fall under the ‘must try harder’ category on the report card.
Some of them fall under the ‘must never try again, please for the sake of humanity put down your instrument and walk away’ section. All of them should do a pretty good job of getting the relatives out the door on Christmas day when you’ve had enough of their company, however.
The Vandals – My First Christmas as a Woman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xqvQOvE0vA
We’re firm believers that the word “genitals” should not appear in your Christmas song lyrics. Take note if you’re planning on releasing one next year.
New Song – The Christmas Shoes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpkI7GW2V34
Not only do the lyrics here seem to have no respect for the concept of rhyme, but this topic couldn’t be more depressing whilst simultaneously being ludicrous. Why are you buying her shoes little boy, she’s dying! Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Cheeky Girls – Cheeky Christmas
Remember the Cheeky Girls? If not, then you’re probably better off. Their thinly veiled sexual innuendo has no place under the Christmas tree, but that didn’t stop them from at least “writing” this song, if you can consider what you’re hearing as having been authored. We prefer to think that it was brought in to existence by the feverish dreams of the Prince of Darkness, using the Cheeky Girls as his Satanic vessel of misery.
Justin Bieber – Mistletoe
We only have two things to say here that will justify this song’s inclusion on this list. Firstly, here’s a sample of the lyrics: “Word on the street, Santa comin’ tonight”. They had all year to write those lyrics, and they came up with that. Secondly, it’s Justin Bieber.
New Kids on the Block – Funky, Funky Christmas
Christmas shouldn’t really be funky, and it should definitely not be funky, funky.
Destiny’s Child – Little Drummer Boy
We thought we already told you about the funk. Please children, don’t make us tell you again about the funking.
Neil Diamond – Cherry Cherry Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3Jn9tIM4lo
“Have a very, merry, cherry, cherry, holly-holy, rockin’-rolly Christmas”. We love you Neil, but what the hell are you talking about?
Cyndi Lauper – Christmas Conga
Cyndi Lauper has a few efforts that could make this list (she really has kept trying, what a little fighter), but each effort has been worse than the last. Perhaps she’s doing this on purpose?
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
