10 reasons to wish music wasn’t a thing.
Music is amazing.
Let’s just get that out of the way for the record before anyone gets upset.
That said, every year brings fresh crimes against music.
It’s inevitable, yet no less harrowing.
As such, it is this writer’s civic duty to compile a list of the very worst songs that emerged over the course of a calendar year.
It’s 2019, so you know what that means…
#10. Taylor Swift ft. Brendon Urie | ‘ME!’
“Girl, there ain’t no I in ‘team’ / But you know there is a ‘me’.”
There’s not though. Stop lying.
#9. SZA, The Weeknd, Travis Scott – ‘Power Is Power’
“A KNIFE IN MY HEAAAAAART, COULDN’T SLOW ME DOOOOWWWWN…”
Heralding the complete collapse of Game of Thrones, a trio of superstars do their best to go as painfully literal as possible on the lyrics front on what is – and we’re being kind here – a mess.
#8. Anything off the Liam Payne album
Seriously, take your pick.
#7. Miley Cyrus ft. RuPaul – ‘Cattitude’
A hugely misguided and woeful creative endeavour, but you knew that the second you saw the title.
#6. Coldplay | ‘Guns’
You really do want the best for Chris Martin and Coldplay.
They’re just so bloody earnest and mean very well indeed. Still, every now and then, Martin will unleash something akin to an enthusiastic Labrador hoping to solve climate emergency.
‘Guns’, an ode about guns being not great, fits that bill.
#5. Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber | ‘I Don’t Care’
In which marital bliss sounds both beige and extremely fucking boring.
#4. Maroon 5 | ‘Memories’
Not content with heading up one of the worst Super Bowl performances ever recorded, the boys Maroon 5 found further ‘gold’ at the very bottom of the barrel.
#3. Lil Dicky | ‘Earth’
An actual disgrace.
#2. Tones and I | ‘Dance Monkey’
No pithy explanation required, surely?
#1. Jeremy Renner | ‘Heaven Don’t Have a Name’
Yes, that Jeremy Renner. Hawkeye himself.
Undoubtedly a talented and committed actor, Renner fell foul of Hollywood hubris to a jaw-dropping degree when he gazed at the bright lights of the pop music world and thought:
“I’ll have some of that.”
Step forward ‘Heaven Don’t Have a Name’, the pick of a truly disastrous bunch of songs that the man released either side of dodgy covers (the Crash Test Dummies one is an all-timer) and luxury car advertisement soundtrack duties.
This really is something else, unleashing a litany of clichés and nonsensical lyrics – “She keeps it old school, feels like rock and roll but got that new groove” – not to mention production choices that you’d immediately fail a college student for attempting.
Still, there’s an undeniably charming train-wreck element to the whole affair and despite the range of dreadful tunes in 2019, there was only ever going to be one winner.
Congratulations, Jeremy!
Clips via Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Liam Payne Official, Miley Cyrus, Coldplay, Ed Sheeran, Maroon 5, Tones And I, Lil Dicky, Jeremy Renner
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