It’s fair to say that our current Taoiseach isn’t exactly the darling of the nation. With that in mind, we’ve come up with ten ways to rebrand Biffo.
A far from flattering physical appearance, a rather gruff speaking manner and a reluctance to embrace the media that was a hallmark of his predecessor’s time in charge all contribute to Brian Cowen’s somewhat distant relationship with the Irish public.
No model girlfriend on his arm like Sarkozy, no suave or sophistication like Obama, the comical interpretation of his nickname ‘Biffo’, Big Ignorant Fecker from Offaly, is closer to the truth. But surely, something can be done to revitalise the Clara man, to present to the nation an image of the man that we can all relate to.
In the wake of Cowen’s poor performance on live radio, which drew strong criticism from both opposition parties and his own backbenchers, here are some innovative, if sometimes outrageous, ideas to rebrand the leader of our nation:
1. Change Cowen’s surname to Cowell and have him wear belly-high black trousers, tight fitting black t-shirt and groom his hair into an immaculate freshly blow dried look, like the X-Factor’s Simon. A similar no-nonsense approach in dealing with the opposition would also be beneficial.
2. Alternatively, change the ‘i’ to a ‘u’ in Biffo, creating a stronger character known as Brian ‘Buffo’ Cowen. The marketing campaign would include the Taoiseach’s head delicately photo-shopped onto the bodies of strong, athletic men pumping weights and modelling underwear. It would increase support amongst females and empathetic young males
3. Release a warts and all autobiography entitled, ‘The Life of Brian’. The discovery of a few skeletons in the closet haven’t harmed a few other world leaders, namely the Italian lothario Silvio Berlusconi and Barack ‘I’ve taken marijuana and cocaine’ Obama. In fairness, the more we know, the less Cowen has to hide and it would diminish the effect of any attempt at skulduggery from the opposition.
4. Get Brian to open his own Facebook account. There’s no better way of keeping in touch with the young people these days than Facebook. The Taoiseach could tag photos of other ministers on Dáil nights out, publish comments like, ‘Jaysus, Kenny really got on my nerves today’, which would be inevitably followed with 10,000 comments and ‘Noel Dempsey likes this’ accompanied by a thumbs up sign. He could also go risqué by ‘poking’ some of the more attractive female members of cabinet.
5. “I was reared in a pub – as a young fellow, serving in the pub I learnt far more there about human nature than I learnt in any university or school. I think it gave me a great insight into people.” So said Brian in an interview with Hot Press magazine in 2007. Bring Brian back to his roots. A once weekly programme with a title such as ‘Conversations with Cowen’ or ‘Shoot the breeze with Brian’, where the Taoiseach chats with public figures about their lives over a pint would give us a glimpse into his life outside the Dáil in an environment where he is obviously at ease.
6. Continuing with the TV theme, let’s get Brian into the Sunday Game studio. We’ve seen Bertie on ‘The Premiership’, Tony Blair on ‘Football Focus’, now it’s Brian’s turn. None of that fancy-dan soccer stuff though, Gaelic Football is Cowen’s love, sure didn’t he line out for Offaly’s junior footballers in his early days. He’d be well able to mix it with Lyster, O’Rourke and Brolly, while everyone would like to see him remind Spillane of his beloved Offaly denying Pat and his teammates the elusive five-in-a-row back in 82.
7. Get the man some bling. A by-product of today’s celebrity culture is the desire of young people to copy the style set by their ‘heroes’ (cough). The style perhaps most replicated is that of rappers such as Jay-Z and 50 Cent. So let’s apply that to Brian or ‘B-Dog’ Cowen! Some diamond earrings, baggy jeans, silver chain that hangs from his neck to his belly button and some 19 inch rims and a big stereo to pimp out his government ‘ride’ should do the trick. A rap track based around his infamous ‘We need to get a handle on this, will you ring those f***ers’ line to Mary Coughlan in the Dail, complete with obligatory video would enhance this new bling image.
8. Rather than try to change Cowen too much, why not embrace his existing figure and show him in a different light. Get rid of that boring suit and often painful/confused expression and put a smile on his face. Slap on a Hawaiian shirt, put a cigar in his mouth and a cocktail in his hand and you’ve got yourself a party animal like the hundreds of middle-aged tourists who seem to all adopt the same social outfit every time they hit a beach resort. As long as he refrains from the socks inside the sandals approach, the new fun-loving Brian should be a more acceptable fit for everyone.
9. Lighten him up a bit. Don’t take yourself so seriously Brian. The outrage from Cowen and the Government to the frankly hilarious nude paintings of the Taoiseach that were hung in the National Gallery last year was a tad sensitive. The demand for their removal and the RTE apology smacked of censorship and prompted a further decline in popularity for the Taoiseach. Perhaps Cowen should hang the portraits up in his own office or make an appearance on ‘Gift Grub’ lampooning himself to make him more endearing and show that he can have a laugh at his own expense.
10. Leave him alone. Well, he has got this far without much help hasn’t he? Ignoring blatant political ineptitude for a moment, perhaps Cowen’s slide in popularity is simply down to the fact that we as a nation are simply looking for someone on whom to place all the blame and the buck stops with him. In any case, if we did build up Cowen into somebody we can actually like and respect, our natural tendency towards begrudgery would lead us to find some reason to dislike the ‘new’ Cowen and to bar stool conversations of the ‘Would ya look at him there struttin’ round as if he owns the place’, sort of talk. Perhaps it’s best leave things be.
Change Cowen’s surname to Cowell and have him wear belly-high black trousers, tight fitting black t-shirt and groom his hair into an immaculate freshly blow dried look, like the X-Factor’s Simon. A similar no-nonsense approach in dealing with the opposition would also be beneficial.
Alternatively, change the ‘i’ to a ‘u’ in Biffo, creating a stronger character known as Brian ‘Buffo’ Cowen. The marketing campaign would include the Taoiseach’s head delicately photo-shopped onto the bodies of strong, athletic men pumping weights and modelling underwear. It would increase support amongst females and empathetic young males.
Release a warts and all autobiography entitled, ‘The Life of Brian’. The discovery of a few skeletons in the closet haven’t harmed a few other world leaders, namely the Italian lothario Silvio Berlusconi and Barack ‘I’ve taken marijuana and cocaine’ Obama. In fairness, the more we know, the less Cowen has to hide and it would diminish the effect of any attempt at skulduggery from the opposition.
Get Brian to open his own Facebook account. There’s no better way of keeping in touch with the young people these days than Facebook. The Taoiseach could tag photos of other ministers on Dáil nights out, publish comments like, ‘Jaysus, Kenny really got on my nerves today’, which would be inevitably followed with 10,000 comments and ‘Noel Dempsey likes this’ accompanied by a thumbs up sign. He could also go risqué by ‘poking’ some of the more attractive female members of cabinet.
“I was reared in a pub – as a young fellow, serving in the pub I learnt far more there about human nature than I learnt in any university or school. I think it gave me a great insight into people.” So said Brian in an interview with Hot Press magazine in 2007. Bring Brian back to his roots. A once weekly programme with a title such as ‘Conversations with Cowen’ or ‘Shoot the breeze with Brian’, where the Taoiseach chats with public figures about their lives over a pint would give us a glimpse into his life outside the Dáil in an environment where he is obviously at ease.
Continuing with the TV theme, let’s get Brian into the Sunday game studio. We’ve seen Bertie on ‘The Premiership’, Tony Blair on ‘Football Focus’, now it’s Brian’s turn. None of that fancy-dan soccer stuff though, Gaelic Football is Cowen’s love, sure didn’t he line out for Offaly’s junior footballers in his early days. He’d be well able to mix it with Lyster, O’Rourke and Brolly, while everyone would like to see him remind Spillane of his beloved Offaly denying Pat and his teammates the elusive five-in-a-row back in 82.
Get the man some bling. A by-product of today’s celebrity culture is the desire of young people to copy the style set by their ‘heroes’ (cough). The style perhaps most replicated is that of rappers such as Jay-Z and 50 Cent. So let’s apply that to Brian or ‘B-Dog’ Cowen! Some diamond earrings, baggy jeans, silver chain that hangs from his neck to his belly button and some 19 inch rims and a big stereo to pimp out his government ‘ride’ should do the trick. A rap track based around his infamous ‘We need to get a handle on this, will you ring those f***ers’ line to Mary Coughlan in the Dail, complete with obligatory video would enhance this new bling image.
Rather than try to change Cowen too much, why not embrace his existing figure and show him in a different light. Get rid of that boring suit and often painful/confused expression and put a smile on his face. Slap on a Hawaiian shirt, put a cigar in his mouth and a cocktail in his hand and you’ve got yourself a party animal like the hundreds of middle-aged tourists who seem to all adopt the same social outfit every time they hit a beach resort. As long as he refrains from the socks inside the sandals approach, the new fun-loving Brian should be a more acceptable fit for everyone.
Lighten him up a bit. Don’t take yourself so seriously Brian. The outrage from Cowen and the Government to the frankly hilarious nude paintings of the Taoiseach that were hung in the National Gallery last year was a tad sensitive. The demand for their removal and the RTE apology smacked of censorship and prompted a further decline in popularity for the Taoiseach. Perhaps Cowen should hang the portraits up in his own office or make an appearance on ‘Gift Grub’ lampooning himself to make him more endearing and show that he can have a laugh at his own expense.
Leave him alone. Well, he has got this far without much help hasn’t he? Ignoring blatant political ineptitude for a moment, perhaps Cowen’s slide in popularity is simply down to the fact that we as a nation are simply looking for someone on whom to place all the blame and the buck stops with him. In any case, if we did build up Cowen into somebody we can actually like and respect, our natural tendency towards begrudgery would lead us to find some reason to dislike the ‘new’ Cowen and to bar stool conversations of the ‘Would ya look at him there struttin’ round as if he owns the place’, sort of talk. Perhaps it’s best leave things be.
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