EU Official: "Theresa May didn't have a plan so we came up with one for her"
The worrying reality of Brexit - it may actually never end
So here we are then, squinting our eyes, trying desperately to scan the consuming black dark for the thin rays of light to guide us out of all that is Brexit, now the artist formerly known as Brexit.
Britain's stormy, jilted-lover 'don't you dare follow me outside, I'm going, honestly, for good' exit from the European Union had long been marked on the calendars for March 29.
On Thursday, presumably because absolutely nobody has any fucking clue what exactly is going on at this point, some 723 (seven! hundred! and twenty! three!) days after Britain voted to leave the EU, that date was postponed.
Now Britain has an unconditional extension until April 12.
An EU official was asked what exactly happened in Brussels on Thursday. According to reports, the 27 European Union leaders asked May what her alternative course of action was if her deal was, shock, gasp, voted down in parliament (again).
It's a likely scenario given her past two efforts to get her deal pushed through. You know, the ones that ended in near historical failure.
The UK Prime Minister, so resilient in her incompetence by this point she wears it like ABBA wore spandex, replied that she was simply dedicated to following through on her 'Plan A'.
It's the kind of response that you might accept from a child pondering their future, imagining a potential career of 'Just, I dunno, being a dinosaur' because they like dinosaurs, not yet concerning themselves with the harsh reality that just being a dinosaur might not pay off the mortgage.
According to the official, the EU then took it upon themselves to "come up with a plan for her", a sentence so damning it has now made the entire island of Britian sink back into the murky depths of the Atlantic ocean in embarrassment like Homer Simpson retracting back into his garden hedge.
Another EU source confirmed the leadership horrorshow, stating that similar to a Jose Mourinho away leg in the Champions League, "It was 90 minutes of nothing".
"She didn’t even give clarity if she is organising a vote. Asked three times what she would do if she lost the vote, she couldn’t say. It was fucking awful. Dreadful. Evasive even by her standards," they added.
EU official says that when leaders asked May what she was going to do if her deal was voted down, she would only reply that she was following her 'Plan A' of getting it through. It was then they decided 'she didn't have a plan so they needed to come up with one for her'.
— Nick Gutteridge (@nickgutteridge) March 21, 2019
To summarise, "12 April is the new 29 March", Theresa May doesn't have a plan B if her deal isn't passed by the House of Commons even though this situation categorically requires that she, like, should definitely have a plan B, and a special team has been deployed into a bunker under the Ministry of Defence.
Brexit means Brexit. And Brexit, it seems, means nothing.
Sky News can reveal the armed forces have activated a team in a nuclear bunker beneath the Ministry of Defence to step up preparations for a 'no-deal' Brexit
— Sky News Breaking (@SkyNewsBreak) March 21, 2019