Cristiano Ronaldo has done a tweet.
That tweet, unsurprisingly, contains a picture of himself.
In this picture, unsurprisingly, he is not wearing a top.
He is also not wearing any trousers, but he does have a jacket on. The embroidery (it’s an embroidered jacket) is of some plants and flowers. Maybe a dragon somewhere, I’m not really certain, but I’m sure it’s very expensive.
In this picture, Cristiano has his eyes closed. He is lying on the ground, and oh, also, he has his head in a bush.
👍🏼👌🏼 pic.twitter.com/OHd7Hk1Hdu
— Cristiano Ronaldo (@Cristiano) November 4, 2016
So, what does this mean? What is Cristiano trying to tell us here? Is this art? Maybe. Probably not though.
Let’s try and unpick what’s going on. I’m going to start with the obvious, because of the ten thousand things we’re all wondering most about this picture, it’s the one we’re all thinking about most – why does Cristiano Ronaldo have his head in a bush?
Here are some possible answers:
1. He has come home from a big night on the piss and not quite made it to his front door, ending up instead flopped somewhat suggestively in the flowerbed just to the side of the porch.
2. He has seen girls with their flower crowns on tumblr, and decided he wanted not just a flower crown, but an entire bush crown. I don’t know.
3. This is just where he always sleeps.
Which of these do I think is most likely to be true? None of them. I am fairly certain all of these are bollocks, because nothing about this picture makes sense.
What should we talk about next? Maybe the fact that in this picture, Cristiano Ronaldo is asleep, or at least wants us to believe he is.
Did he put his camera on self-timer, or has he paid someone a very large sum of money to take this picture of him lying in a bush in his underwear? The second one, obviously. If there’s one thing we know about Cristiano Ronaldo, a man who paid to open an entire museum dedicated solely to his own existence, it’s that he would definitely pay someone an extremely large sum of money to take a picture of him lying in a bush in his underwear.
Another thing we notice about this photo, when we distract ourselves from Ronaldo’s face and crotch, is that he is lying not on the grass itself, but on some form of mat.
Using my keen investigative skills, I have deduced that this means that Cristiano was probably lying like this for quite a long time – long enough, at least, for his arse to go numb had it been resting directly upon the hard ground.
How long was Cristiano posing like this before they got the perfect shot? Three hours? One day? Two? I would tweet him and ask, but as far as I can tell, Cristiano Ronaldo has never replied to a tweet, so there probably isn’t a lot of point.
What next? We’ve not even mentioned the emojis yet. The pure bollocks of those emojis. It takes a bold man to think one day: “You know what, I’m going to upload a picture of myself wearing just my kecks to the internet”, but an even bolder one to caption that picture with emojis that basically state: “I look the absolute shit here.”
This is Cristiano Ronaldo though. Nothing should surprise us when it comes to Ronaldo any more. If it was anyone else in this picture it would look like they’d gone out, drunk 23 Jägerbombs, stolen a woman’s jacket, soiled themselves, thrown their poo-stained trousers over the garden fence and passed out in their neighbour’s peonies. But it’s Ronaldo, so as ridiculous as this whole photo might be, he still looks the shit.
But what a twat.
