In this week’s Transfer Window round-up, we look at in-demand Germans, Woy Hodgson’s Liverpool targets and who might be pitching up at Chelsea.
Ze Germans are coming!
An amazing World Cup has seen German footballers become a next season must have. England’s most hated have turned into England’s most wanted. If a Deutschland international isn’t in your starting 11 come Premier League kick off you will be more out of fashion than Emile Heskey. Like an American high school kid without the most up to date ‘trainers’ Premier League sides without a German will be subject to ridicule and bullying from opposing fans.
As a result Premier League football fashionistas are ready to spend big money to ensure they get the latest in football trends. In a bid to stay trendy Manchester United, Arsenal, Birmingham, Liverpool, Chelsea, Manchester City and even West Ham are all parading the German high street for quality ware.
United have decided to table an offer for the brilliant Mesut Ozil. Chelsea and Arsenal are also interested in the frog look-a-like football prince and his £25m price tag is proof he is a brand name.
Chelsea are also said to be trying on Thomas Muller, the back-in-fashion Bastian Schweinsteiger, Sami Khedira and any player with a German Granny for size. United and Spurs will duke it out for the most under rated full back in world football, Philipp Lahm.
Miroslav Klose saves all his goals for the biggest stage so West Ham are interested. The man who netted less goals than Heskey, Richard Dunne and even David James last season couldn’t stop scoring at the World Cup. However since the bubble blowing brigade will not be able to provide a raised platform never mind a big stage for the German to perform on, he might retire without scoring another goal if he signs with the Hammers.
Birmingham have been chasing a left sided midfielder for so long that they have become more synonymous with the term ’left wing’ than the Socialist Party. And now that Germans are the must have Big ’Eck is after another player who only plays well for his country, Lukas Podolski.
Manchester City certainly don’t want to be caught sporting the wrong players and have also been linked with all of the above and 30000002 more. Having a fashionable, well groomed, stylish Dad, Joachim Low-type manager in charge might make City more appealing to the young brand of Germans. Nothing to do with the £400,000 an hour the Eastlands club is shelling out.
Rafa gets one over on Fergie – FACT
He couldn’t do it whilst at Manchester United’s most hated rival’s Liverpool, but Rafa Benitez has finally got one over on Alex Ferguson.
The Spaniard tried and failed to overthrow the Premier League king during his tenure at the ’Pool. However, everything including Rafa’s famous rant backfired and Benitez became a laughing stock.
But Rafa finally got one over on the old enemy. FACT! Wesley Sneijder has decided to turn his back on a move to Old Trafford. FACT! The Dutch midfielder has also decided to stay at Inter to work with Rafa. FACT! Who’s cracking up now?
Well not Mr Ferguson by all accounts. The Scot wants to have the last laugh. He now says he never made a bid for the Dutch fluky goalscorer.
They certainly are not good buddies and JOE doubts Monsieur Wenger gets a glass of Sir Alex’s post match red, but somehow the United manager has caught the Wenger bug.
Fergie of the non Black Eyed Peas kind is trying to fool the public by claiming he doesn’t need to buy as he a good batch of kids coming through. In fact there could be so many teens on display at Old Trafford next season that the Theatre of Dreams could become the Theatre of Wet Dreams.
So good are these kids, or so poor is Ferguson more like, that the likes of Mesut Ozil, Sneijder, Luis Fabiano, Mario Balotelli, Raul and Karim Benzema don’t interest him in the slightest. That, however, hasn’t stop the red tops from linking them to a United move.
Liverpool’s comings, goings and stayings
A new manager at one of the world’s best known clubs inspires an abundance of gossip.
Woy Hodgson’s appointment at Liverpool saw more rumoured coming and goings at Anfield than Ashley Cole’s bed. But it is news of who is staying that has taken up the most column inches.
In the big story this week, Stevie G looks certain to choose life at Anfield ahead of Stamford Bridge or the Bernabéu, while crocked Spanish front man Fernando Torres doesn’t seem to have a choice. Woy is trying to price El Nino out of a move. Dream Boat won’t be sailing off to Man City or Chelsea unless they fork out a figure worthy of the Euromillions jackpot, £100m.
In another twist in the story Woy celebrated like a Spaniard when a picture of Torres celebrating Spain’s World Cup win with a LIVERPOOL scarf around his neck was published in his local paper. So imagine how Wenger felt when he saw Cesc Fabregas partying with a Barcelona shirt on?
However, the third of Liverpool’s holy trilogy, Javier Mascherano, is destined to leave. Midfield knasher Mascher will be reunited with Rafa at Inter as Barcelona are struggling to raise the funds needed to sign the Argentine.
That Masch cash will then fund a massive Liverpool spending spree. Despite being relatively broke Hodgson has a list of targets as long as Inspector Gadget’s go-go-gadget arm, including Wigan left-back Maynor Figueroa, Wolfsburg’s £30m-rated hit man Edin Dzeko, Nice striker Loic Remy, Ghana striker Asamoah Gyan, Joe Cole, Rafael Van de Vaart and Danny Murphy.
Sounds to JOE like Hodgson is going to scrap his ultra cautious approach. With so many attacking options the new look Liverpool may resemble Ossie Ardiles’s free scoring regular conceders, Spurs. Liverpool fans should get ready for a host of 5-5 draws.
Carlo’s long-lost love
Carlo Ancelotti could be reunited with his long lost love Kaka if certain rumours are to be believed. The religious football god looks set to be a failure at Chelsea. Brazilians have been so poor in England that they have become as unpopular in the Premier League as the waxing equivalent is amongst 80-year-old continental women.
Indeed the football genius could ruin his legacy by emulating fellow one-named one-hit wonders Robinho and Elano by failing in the Premier League. One player Carlo won’t be reunited with, however, is Alexandre Pato. The Milan striker is staying put in Italy.
That low standard is also attracting former Chelsea star Joe Cole. Cole must be confident he can stand out in the poorest ever Serie A and possibly impress his national boss. He has requested his agent secure him a move to Italy.
The midfielder’s namesake Ashley Cole is also keen on a move abroad but prefers Spanish to Italian women and is all set to rejoin the Special One at Real Madrid. The best left back in this summer’s World Cup, Fabio Coentrao, looks set be Cashley’s replacement. There will be a lot of lonely women around London next year and you don’t need any octopus to predict that.
Villa Hunt down not so class Klaas
Under advice of the most gifted player ever to play in the Premier League, Dennis Bergkamp, Klaas Jan Huntelaar is going to move to England.
Huntelaar reckons he is best suited to the Premier League and will be a success at none other than Aston Villa. Considering the front man Dick Advocaat labelled ‘the most natural finisher in world football’ has failed to do the business in Spain and Italy he’ll have to retire or worse – go back to Holland – where big Neil ’Razor’ Ruddock would score 50 goals a season, if he doesn’t hit Premier League nets. Surely he couldn’t score less than the prolific non finisher Emile Heskey, who by the way is Celtic bound!
Heskey’s move to the Scottish Premier League, where surely even he could hit double figures, could see Irish international Aiden McGeady move the other way. McGeady might finally get to prove that although Brazilians don’t do well in England a Brazilian approach to the game could be effective.
Spurs villain David Bentley could also become a worshiped Villain if he allows Aston Villa to rescue his career. Martin O’Neill is also said to be interested in helping out Robbie Keane and Stephen Ireland. The unwanted pair could be available on the cheap or as part of James Milner swaps.
Going going Gosling
Everton runaway Dan Gosling could find refuge in a number of clubs. In the strangest if not most sensational gossip of the week, the much heralded midfielder walked out of Goodison Park for free after his contract expired. Now a possible future England international could be playing for Newcastle, Fulham, Birmingham or Aston Villa next term.
Best of the rest
Ian Wright will be delighted to hear his son Shaun Wright-Phillips is in talks with Arsenal. Matthew Upson cant judge the flight of the ball but luckily for him his new manager Avram Grant can’t judge a good centre half – the former Chelsea boss has turned down a staggering £7m for the over rated defender.
Man City are also turning down big money. Then again they can afford to. City have said no to a £16.7m offer for Brazilian Robinho from Turkish club Besiktas. The Eastlands side want to recoup the bulk of their record £33m losses.
Former Liverpool winger and tag wearer Jermaine Pennant could be on his way to Italian side Napoli from Real Zaragoza. Chelsea are in danger of missing out on Holland defender Gregory van der Wiel with Bayern Munich set to land the £14m-rated Ajax star
And the ones we don’t believe…
Manchester City are lining up a £20m bid for Chelsea striker Didier Drogba. City are also eyeing a shock swoop for former Arsenal keeper Richard Wright, who is a free agent after being released by Ipswich.
– Jonny Stapleton
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