Happy birthday Facebook, you look gorgeous hun xoxoxo
In case you missed the news, Facebook celebrates its tenth birthday today, with Jesse Eisenberg Mark Zuckerberg setting up the online social networking service way back on 4th February 2004.
To be honest, we only realised this because one of those annoying little Facebook birthday reminders kept popping up on our phone. We didn’t actually remember the date at all. Sorry Facebook.
And so, because we obviously didn’t bother to get Facebook a real present or even a card with a €2 coin sellotaped inside, here at JOE we’ve decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by picking out the Top Ten Most Annoying People You Always Find On Facebook.
Recognise anyone?
1. Illiterate Ian
We come from the country that has produced Joyce, Wilde and Beckett, but that doesn’t stop our Facebook friends from using really bad txt spk in a feeble attempt to communicate with the world around them.
These poor people wouldn’t know a vowel if it came up and kckd thm n th bllx.
2. Arty Aodhán
The lad is convinced that he’s taking supremely arty photos; he’s the Andy Warhol of Borris-in-Ossory – “Look at me in Berlin with a picture of a broken umbrella lying in a puddle.”
Deep man, reeeeal deep.
The meaning. Not the puddle.
3. Fishing-For-Compliments Fiona and Poor Me Mary
You know the ones – the people who update their statuses with desperately obvious cries for attention like “oh my God I’m so fat and ugly” and “I can’t believe I’m having the worst day” and “JEEBUS WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME.”
Y’know, subtle sentences like that.
All the ‘victim’ has to do is sit back and wait for the inevitable deluge of disingenuous compliments and repeated posts of “You OK hun?” to come their way; a tsunami of feigned friendship that they gladly let wash over them in a wave of smug self-justification.
You OK hun?
No. No we’re not. Stop doing this.
4. Your Like Button-Obsessed Granny
Or any older female member of your family for that matter, be it your mother, aunty or aforementioned Granny. This elderly lady will spend a marathon six hour session retrospectively liking every single one of your embarrassing old photos from 2007 when you were going out with that girl that you’re not going out with anymore.
Scary stalker level = through the roof.
5. Harry The Hyena
A monkey riding around on a pig, somebody getting hit in the face with an exercise ball or the terrible conflict in Syria – Harry inevitably finds everything hilarious and obviously feels that every status update warrants a LOL, a LMFAO and a ROFLMDOLR.
We’re not sure what that last one means either but we’re pretty sure it’s damn funny. LOL.
6. Andy In Amazing Australia
Andy, one of your oldest and best friends from back home, went to Australia just after Christmas and is absolutely having the time of his life. And he wants you to know about it.
Hence the gazillions of photos of the wonderful weather, gorgeous girls and beautiful ice-cold beers as Andy drives you completely mad with jealousy.
Andy in Amazing Australia usually hangs around with Hot Dog legs Helen, who’s constantly posting pictures of her Hot Dog legs on the beach. See? You’re not sure whether they’re hot dogs or legs.
7. Updates On EVERYTHING Eileen
Ah Eileen, the Facebooker who feels the need to constantly update anyone and everyone on her current situation in mind-numbing, mundane detail. No aspect of her life is too pedestrian, regardless of whether people actually care or not.
We don’t care Eileen, in case you’re reading.
“I’m inside and it’s raining outside LOL.”
“I’m thinking about getting the bus.”
“Bed.”
Stop this Eileen, stop it now.
8. Gym Guy Gerry
Gerry’s the guy who seems to be at the gym all of the time. All day. Every day. Working on his traps or lubing up his anterior delts, Gerry’s at the gym and and now you have to watch a video of him wearing short shorts that are way too short and all he’s doing is screaming his bulging head off, trying not to pop a vein.
Gym Guy Gerry usually hangs about with Inspirational Quote Quentin who’ll kindly spot him at the gym, all while shouting encouraging Marilyn Monroe quotes at his head like “you’re great,” “well done” and “please be my boyfriend.”
9. Baby Picture Breda
Breda’s had a baby and, in between roaring at her partner and sucking Grade A helium from the baby balloons, she’s posting terrifying photo after terrifying photo of her new-born baby. A new-born baby who looks creepily like Eamon Dunphy in his 60s.
10. ‘Foodie’ Fintan
First of all, Fintan deserves to die for calling himself a ‘Foodie.’
He’s the man who almost loves his food as much as Breda loves her baby, the main difference being that Breda (hopefully) won’t eat her baby.
Fintan, on the other hand, lets his dinner get cold as he 1) takes photos, 2) photoshops/vintage-ises/Instagrams these photos and then 3) uploads photos. All 48 of them.
I don’t have time for this Fintan. Just eat your horrible, horrible food.
If you can think of any other incredibly irritating Facebook friends that grind your gears and that JOE may have left out, then just let us know in the comment section below and we’ll all dislike them together.
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