These Pokemon sex toys will ruin your childhood
They had to go and do it, didn't they?
Even if you're not spending every spare second of your day playing Pokemon Go, only the cold-hearted cynics would deny that the way the game has captured people's nostalgia-filled hearts and minds is quite a pleasant side-note to all the terrible things happening elsewhere in the world.
And even if chasing invisible monsters around the park isn't your bag, it's innocent fun that is taking millions of people back to their childhoods, when nothing mattered more than having a shiny Charizard in your pocket.
But as we know, no pop culture phenomenon is sacred in the weird and wonderful world of sex toys, so yes - themed dildos have inevitably arrived to cash in on all the Pokehype.
The website GeekySexToys has unveiled its Pokemoan range, which includes four silicone dildos based on the three starter Pokemon, and Pikachu. Once again, the collection is called Pokemoan.
We're sure you're all debating which one to buy for that special someone in your life, so here are your options.
Bulby, inspired by Bulbasaur, comes recommended for its 'large seed tip', because that's what everyone who likes to get off on fictional monsters is looking for.
Charmy's 'flaming tail' will probably set someone's orgasms on fire, or something to that effect. This Pokemoan dildo is also the tallest in the range.
Squirty is a water Pokemoan with a 'large grooved turtle shell on its back'. Sounds like one for the experts.
And finally, with the final nail in the coffin of your youth, we have Piky, described as a - wait for it - 'small electric type anal Pokémoan... an extremely cute yet essential addition to your team'. Basically it's a Pikachu butt plug. Ash would be traumatised for the rest of his days.
It won't shock you to learn that Nintendo haven't yet endorsed the Pokemoan, which cost $69 (€62) or $50 (€45) for Piky. Geeky Sex Toys told MIC that the incredible success of the Niantic Labs' augmented reality game had spurred them into making the kinky toys. A representative for the site said:
"We had always intended on doing a Pokémoan range of toys. When Pokémon Go came out we decided to move them up the priority list."
"It's definitely an independent thing. Our products are inspired by geek culture in some way or another, but we are very careful in the way we parody each fandom."
Choosing the right Pokemon for you has always been a tricky dilemma and it sounds like it won't be much different here. To reference the iconic theme song:
"I wanna be the very best
Like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause
I will travel across the land
Searching far and wide
Each Pokemon to understand
The power that's inside..."
Thanks to dildos, that has just taken on a whole new meaning.