What's going on here!?
We've just had Christmas.
For the last week, most of us have been enjoying a daily calorie intake akin to Augustus Gloop on a comfort-eating downer.
As well as turkey and eggnog, the other part of the festive holy trinity of overindulgence has been chocolate. For days, you've scoffed chocolate coins, rinsed the Celebrations and got repetitive strain injury from putting those Lindor balls in your mouth.
You've even been waking up and seriously considering having the rest of that half-eaten Toblerone for breakfast.
And for a few days it was great. Chocolate all day, every day. Just like you hoped adulthood would be when you were nine years old.
But not now.
By 30 December, you've reached critical mass. The affair is over. You never want to see another Quality Street again/until mid-January at least.
Your mind is shifting down a clean leaving tangent. Usually you can't stand those lycra-clad wellness pricks. But your recently-expanded body has taken such a calorific pounding it's begging you for drastic change.
Maybe you should go out and buy some actual fruit? Perhaps even upgrade to an avocado or two. No, no. Sod it. Serious action needs to be taken here. You're getting a goddamn Nutribullet and going on a juice fast for eight weeks.
You've made your mind up. You head down to the local supermarket, striding purposefully, imbued with a zeal for health living.
But then you see it. What the actual!?
https://twitter.com/TiredmummyofTwo/status/813449530129715202?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Are those Easter eggs?
FFS.
Has there ever been a more grievous misreading of your mood? Literally no one wants to think about chocolate right now. Let alone contemplate another coco-based bender.
And this is not an isolated incident or corporate madness.
https://twitter.com/fx550Mike/status/813721542001561600?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Supermarkets and convenience stores somehow think this is acceptable.
https://twitter.com/MrDanPowers/status/814839999329947648
It disgusts us too, Tommy Justice.
https://twitter.com/runs4latte/status/814831558720978944
No, sorry Jo, no amount of emojis can sum up the horror here.
https://twitter.com/APhudgellsol/status/814811920930848769
Even more upmarket outlets are not immune to mania.
As Sean Clarke points out though, JC Savages in Swords, Dublin, have been doing this for years!
https://twitter.com/wotgatsby/status/814875105385910274
And just when we thought 2016 had thrown everything it had at us...
This article originally appeared on JOE.co.uk
