That sound is the bell ringing because school is in, and the first class on your schedule is Gym Etiquette 101
It’s now officially Christmas season so we’re all bound to put on a few pounds. Then, come January, the New Year's resolutions will kick in and the gyms will be packed to the brim with wider waists and good intentions.
So, what are the dos and don’ts of the gym? What will be frowned upon by your fellow armchair athletes and what should you be doing before you even hit the bench?
Do use more than just the treadmill. For seasoned gym goers, looking at someone who refuses to do anything other than run on a machine makes them think that they were once a bit of a chunky monkey. Do you want people picturing you as a sweaty, obese mess while you hardly look your best anyway? No one wants to be "skinny fat" HIT THE SQUAT RACK, BRO.
Do bring the right gear to the gym. Make sure you have something to drink your water out of, a shake for afterwards (if it's muscle you're trying to build) and that you have a towel to wipe down whatever machine you were using with your sweat towel when done using it. Yes, that means you should have a sweat towel with you at all times in your gym bag. Being that you’re a JOE reader (thus sound) we’ve gone ahead and assumed you were smart enough to know that much. We'll also assume that you'll know you need to put Cicaplast Hands by La Roche-Posay in there too to make sure that your hands are in tip top condition and you don't have to deal with calluses.
Do replace free weights after use. This is common sense really, but you’d be surprised how many people forget to do a simple task like this. Despite what a certain group of people think, throwing the weights down on the ground and walking away does not make you look cool. Yeah, you know who we’re talking about… and if you have no idea then it’s probably you.
Do try to keep the grunting to a minimum. We’ve heard that story about how Arnie wore a nappy when he was deadlifting, but we're fairly sure even at that he didn't groan like he was giving birth to Danny DeVito. Screaming like a plank won’t make them any lighter. And if you’re thinking you may actually need a nappy then the weights you’re lifting are probably too heavy for you. If the Terminator can do it quietly, so can you.
Do remember to wash your gym clothes and not on a bi-monthly basis. Remember, someone will have to train near you and there are few more disgusting things than a fellow gym goer who trains in clothes that they regularly have to peel out of their gym bags. It’s school rules, people, and no one wants to sit next to the smelly kid!
Don’t forget that your more athletic days may very well be behind you. This means that although you fill out a provisional rugby jersey well enough, that may not be muscle pushing cloth and you should probably avoid harkening back to the days when it was. Aesthetically it’s an issue for those around you and it really can’t be THAT comfortable.
Don’t take the long walk from the weights room to the water fountain RIGHT next to the spinning class just so you can look at yourself as many times as possible in passing mirrors. People notice this and you’re not impressing anyone; this includes the ladies in said spinning class who are uncomfortable with you staring at them while trying to tense your arms as much as possible but just invariably looking constipated instead.
Don’t wear matching shorts and socks if it’s a sporting kit unless you’re playing a game for said team. So you were on the bench for your local GAA team a few years ago… that’s great and we’re not belittling that achievement at all, it’s just GAA shorts are particularly short and, well, do we have to draw you a diagram!? Keep the mouse in the house, man.
Don’t forget there is a different kind of etiquette for the changing rooms too. This means that you’re not in your jacks at home so act as such. Flush the toilet (double-flush if you’re heavy on the protein shakes) and use the showers as quickly and as hygienically as possible – someone has to go in after you ya filthy animal. You know what we mean…
Don’t leave your towel on machines you take an age to come back to. It’s mad how we take the piss out of the Germans for leaving their towels on sunbeds next to the pool on holiday, but some people think it’s fine when they’re in a gym. It’s probably the most frustrating thing you can do in any gym. Keep going with your circuit and just accept that someone else is using that machine. Time moves on, so should you. Also, be aware that sighing loudly is passive aggressive.
