Someone had to do it.
Just to get you up to speed, the 12 Apostles were the primary disciples of Christ. They were his most devout followers and the main teachers of Jesus’ gospel. Got it? Great.
But more importantly than that, it’s reasonable to assume that these twelve rambunctious fellas had at least a sliver of banter in them, some more than others.
So the task set out before us is very simple. The Apostles must be ranked from least to most banter based on nothing more than a slightly beyond healthy knowledge of their alleged personalities.
This is all in good fun. This is normal. This is content. This is journalism.
12. Philip
Pip comes from Bethsaida and was said to have been present when John The Baptist pointed out Jesus as the Lamb of God. An opportunity like that comes around once in a lifetime if even, but Philip dropped the ball. He should’ve made sheep noises on the spot, sang ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ and nicknamed Jesus ‘Lamb Boy’, but he didn’t. Philip said nothing, thereby wasting the opportunity and cementing himself as the Apostle with the least amount of banter.
Before the fishes and loaves miracle took place, Jesus asked Philip “Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat?” and Philip replied “Two hundred penny-worth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one may take a little”, because he appears to have been a bit of a tight bastard.
He put Jesus in a tight spot, where he had to magically multiply the food so that everyone could get a decent feed, rather than simply taking “a little”. This is incredibly shit banter from Philip. He’s the type of guy that would order the least amount of food in a restaurant, then demand a sample of everyone else’s dinner to fill the hole. He would then refuse to split the bill evenly, whipping out a calculator to accurately tot up what he owes.
11. James The Less
Incredible name aside, James has a distinct lack of notable banter according to those wacky religion books. He’s remained quite aloof, with little known about his temperament, which almost always means that the person in question is no banter whatsoever. If he was banter, somebody would’ve written a quick passage in the Bible such as ‘That Time James The Less Purposely Tripped And Dropped A Two Litre Carton Of Milk In Tesco’ or ‘When James The Less Said ‘Present’ Instead Of ‘Here’ During Roll Call At School’.
It’s safe to conclude that James, the less or otherwise, was a quiet guy. He went about his devotion to the Lord in a private way, remaining a constant professional in representing the other Apostles. Perhaps he had a deep dark secret, such as a fondness for gambling or organising household items in order of size and most used, but we simply will never know. Quite clearly, his banter was either so bad that nobody cared to document it, or so salacious that it could never be spoken of. I choose to believe the former rather than the latter.
10. Thomas
Doubting Thomas was very weak banter because he simply wasn’t gullible enough to have fun with. Upon first hearing of Jesus’ resurrection, Thomas was having none of it, not until he saw the Lord’s wounded body and then he was like ‘Oh right, fair enough’. He’s the prehistoric version of a guy that replies ‘Didn’t happen’ under viral tweets and as we all know, that is a level of banter that is firmly in minus figures. You simply cannot be nicknamed ‘Doubting Thomas’ and put forward any reasonable case of being good banter.
After literally touching Jesus’ wounds for proof that he was crucified, Thomas then decided that he believed him. This is the ultimate ‘Pics or it didn’t happen’ level of paranoia and the earliest trace of this kind of personality type we’ve seen documented in history. If Doubting Thomas was alive today, he would write a salacious weekly column for the Daily Mail, probably have been on Big Brother for a week and absolutely be a flat earth truther. The banter score for Thomas is -4009.
9. Simon The Zealot
This mysterious Apostle carries with him a bit of excitement, but for a very boring reason. His identity remains a total mystery, with scriptures revealing next to nothing about him. All we know is that Simon was present with the Apostles after Jesus ascended to Heaven, but that’s more or less it. So it’s unfair to speculate whether he was banter or not, but taking a similar tough stance as we’ve done with James The Less, we have to be honest with ourselves. If Simon the Zealot was banter, somebody would’ve remembered to log it in their blog/vlog/diary at the time.
My suspicion is that Simon was the Nicola of Girls Aloud. Sure, a necessary visual prop to identify the band as a five piece (or in this case, a twelve piece), but having no real impact on the day-to-day running of things. Nicola rarely got the solos, she was usually relegated to the back during dance routines and it often seemed like her main contribution to the band was solely being the ginger one. Simon’s hair colour was never accurately documented, but perhaps he too was a ginger. The Apostles kept him around for some diversity and spice. He never spoke a word because he wasn’t allowed to.
8. Jude / Thaddeus
Another Apostle who kept to himself, perhaps the most exciting thing about Jude is that he had two very different names, like some kind of pop star eager to distance themselves from a troubled family member. Jude, Jude of James, Jude Thaddeus. Make up your mind, dude. He spent more time adding names to his repertoire than being a credible source of banter, which impacts heavily on his positioning in this list.
He was said to have been a tender-hearted, gentle man who had childlike humility, which sounds a bit too similar to a certain king of pop for my liking, but that’s best kept clear of. Jude is now the patron saint of Armenia, which is fun. Armenia is home to the world’s oldest winery, and as we all know, wine usually results in banter, be in life-destroying or physical surroundings-destroying. It’s also the ancestral homeland of Cher and Andre Agassi, which is quite a boast. Was Jude / Thaddeus banter? No. But his legacy is, which gives him a slight advantage over the rest.
7. Matthew
Originally called Levi, Matthew changed his name presumably to distance himself from the jeans company so as to avoid any obvious association with the devil’s fabric (denim). Matthew started out as a tax collector before he decided to follow Christ, which isn’t very banter at all. Not until you learn that Matthew was collecting taxes dishonestly. He was driven by greed and operating on behalf of Rome. Everyone hated Matthew, which is quite a substantially banterous thing when you think about it. He was a prick.
Then Jesus came along and saved him from a shitty life. He turned things around and showed Matthew the ways of living an honest and fulfilling life whilst spreading the word of the Lord. But what happened when Jesus left? Matthew continued doing good things, writing the gospel that appears first in the New Testament, but people still didn’t really like him. What’s more banter than being universally disliked by everyone except the one person that truly matters? Honestly, very little.
6. Andrew
Big boy Andy made a baller move when he abandoned John The Baptist to become Jesus’ first follower. He instantly recognised him as the Messiah and jumped ship, kind of like when you’ve just started a new job but already start eyeing up a sweeter gig elsewhere, which is an incredibly banter move. HR has just sorted out your tax arrangements, given you a swipe card with a branded lanyard and even introduced you to the crotchety receptionist, then a week later you announce that you’re leaving. Banter.
Andrew introduced his brother Peter to Jesus and quickly got him inducted into the Apostles clan, which is a very solid thing to do. Some people find their brothers to be cringe, refusing to be seen in public together, but Andrew brought his own flesh and blood in on the side hustle with J-Dogg. It’s not an outwardly banter thing to do, but when you think about it, the most banter thing you can do in life is look out for your family members. And vape.
5. James
The son of Zebedee and brother of John was the first Apostle to be martyred and one of only three selected to witness Jesus’ transfiguration. That means James was there when Jesus became radiant in glory atop a mountain. The gang all went there for a quick pray, but were alarmed by the arrival of the prophets Moses and Elijah who came to speak with them. A voice in the sky referred to Jesus as ‘son’, so it was either a Mancunian or God, and James got to see all that first hand.
Can you think of a more banter-filled occurrence than that? You cannot. James was there alongside Jesus to provide verification of the admittedly very farfetched story. He vouched for Jesus when people doubted his tales and Jamesy boy was always by his side ready to attest to the miracles. That’s a good friend and a very banter-heavy job to take on. Then, in the ultimate act of commitment to banter, James was killed by Herod The King’s sword for his beliefs. Imagine dying for your cause? That, my friends, is very banter indeed. James was the very first martyr for banter.
4. Nathanael / Bartholomew
This double-named legend had a strange first encounter with Jesus. When he was invited to meet the Messiah, Nathanael was skeptical but tagged along. He immediately questioned Jesus’ overfamiliarity with him, as any true legend does. Jesus responded, “I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you”, and with that, it didn’t take long before Nathanael was convinced to follow the ways of the Lord, proving that it takes but a mere sliver of paying attention to someone to woo them.
Being desperate to be liked is one of the core properties of banter. You must crave attention and the approval of others, which is something that Nathanael / Bartholomew was unaware of in himself, not until Jesus payed him a small bit of attention. He went on to stay devout to a man that basically said “Hey I like your vibe, you can be in my crew” and the rest is history. This is an Apostle who not only purveys the banter lifestyle, but basically invented it as well.
3. Peter
As the official spokesperson of the Apostles, Peter is the most famous one and always the first to be listed. He was one of Jesus’ closest companions and got to witness many of his miracles firsthand. Famously, Peter denied Jesus three times on the night of his betrayal, perfectly in line with Christ’s initial prediction. That’s like when you warn your mate not to text their ex on a night out and they swear blind they’re not going to, then you catch them in the toilet sending a three-paragraph message about why they should give things another go. That is banter.
After Jesus’ resurrection, Peter became one of the greatest leaders of the early church and paved the way for what Christianity is today. When he was sentenced to crucifixion, Peter insisted that his face be turned to the ground because he felt that he wasn’t worthy enough to die in the same manner as his Saviour. Basically, Peter backed his mate until the end, dying for him long after he had gone, but still didn’t feel worthy of a similar accolade. A key property of the banter lifestyle is looking out for your mates and Peter did that. Peter and banter both end in ‘er’ too. Coincidence??
2. Judas Iscariot
Although he was a firm purveyor of the banter lifestyle, Judas cannot be awarded the top spot because he had one very big flaw. You see, Judas loved kissing, he loved it more than most, but it was the very thing that he loved that ended up doing him in. Kissing, when consensual, is very banter, but Judas used it for malintent. He used the kiss to identify Jesus which ultimately lead to his arrest and subsequent crucifixion. He betrayed his friend for money. Judas was consumed by greed and it led to his demise.
The banter lifestyle, although Jude undoubtedly dabbled in it, ultimately consumed Judas. He wanted material possessions and he wanted them without earning them. So obvious was his lust for drama, Jesus predicted his betrayal in advance. Judas was a large amount of banter, but he got carried away in the end, proving that the banter, much like the rhythm, will ultimately get you. In short, Judas took the banter too far. He paid the price for his indiscretions and will forever be known as the Apostle who ruined banter for everyone.
1. John
Jesus legitimately nicknamed John as one of the “Sons of thunder”, which is just about the most banter name you can be given aside from Master Baiter if you send a lot of texts that start with ‘You’re not gonna believe what happened…’ and then neglect to follow up the conversation for several hours. Even better than that, John genuinely self-nicknamed himself with ‘The Disciple whom Jesus loved’. He was claiming to be Jesus’ favourite long after the main man had departed this earth for pastures new. What an absolute lad.
He was said to have a larger-than-life personality, often recorded as being a colourful character. It’s reported that John raced Peter to the tomb on Easter morning after Mary Magdalene said that it was empty. He won the race and bragged about it until the end of time, but still allowed Peter to enter the tomb first. That’s banter like no other. He was skilled enough to win the race, baller enough to brag about it to everyone that would listen, but then man enough to let his mate get a look inside before he did. This proves that banter isn’t all fun, games and bravado, it’s politeness as well. John is the most banter Apostle. No further questions at this deeply blasphemous time.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
