How many of these do you recognise?
Irish people have an unbreakable love for the cinema but there’s always certain types of people that you see during any trip to your local theatre.
Here are just a few of them.
1) The annoyingly cute couple
You spot them in the lobby having a small but playful fight about which film they want to see or who has to pay for the tickets/food.
The words, “you choose. No you choose” are usually overheard when you’re around these people and if you ever see them having a cutesy ‘fight’ like this you have our permission to shake some sense into them.
JOE instantly feels like interjecting into their conversation by saying, ‘excuse me but this relationship will never last because you Sir fail to plan properly while this young lady is far too indecisive. Enjoy the movie guys. Your relationship is doomed”.
You know you want to do the same.
2) The angry couple
Now we’re talking because these are our type of people.
The guy usually wants to see Fast & Furious 37: Monaghan Motorway Madness while the girl is desperate to see Fifty Shades of Twilight School Musical.
Cue an epic and tense argument that involves serious negotiation and delicate tactics. We usually just buy Maltesers to smooth things over, they make everything better.
3) The frustrated person because they’re late
We like this person because JOE can’t stand being kept late for the cinema. Our friends/partner really need to understand that the trailers are an important part of the whole experience.
If you both agree to meet at the cinema for 19.30 then that’s that. No exceptions, we’re strict like that.
4) The holier than thou fan
These are the type of people that you usually overhear whilst queuing for tickets who try to pass off some small factoid or piece of info that they read on-line as their own.
FYI, just because you read a Wikipedia article doesn’t mean that anyone else gives a rats ass about your opinions pal. Keep them to yourself and let me enjoy the film.
They’re also the first people to complain about this hack of a writer/director who had the nerve to change a single word of dialogue from the comic graphic novel that they clearly adore.
In the comic-book edition #502, Batman clearly says ‘We are in danger Robin’, it’s not ‘We’re in danger Robin’.
Worst. Film. Ever.
5) Billy no mates
We have some time for folks that go to the cinema on their own because not everyone works ‘social hours’ and there really shouldn’t be a stigma attached to going to the flicks on your own.
When you think about it, the cinema is one of the least social places to go with somebody because we never talk to the people we’re with once the film starts playing.
JOE is like a monk that took a strict code of silence once those opening credits roll.
Then again, if you show up with an animal or a pet parrot then you’re just a weirdo.
6) The intimidating teenagers/ groups of hyper children
We’re adults and really should know better but sometimes we just want to hit these little ADHD riddled teenage pups who just can’t shut their gobs or keep still during the film.
FYI, we don’t do this because 1) we’re patient, 2) it’s wrong and 3) they may be 14 but we swear that they’re actually 47 year old convicts who are out on parole for the day.
7) The pee’er
Some cinema-goers really shouldn’t be allowed to have a drink in the theatre because they usually have to use the bathroom every 7 minutes.
Don’t break the seal before sitting down. Golden rule.
Have you ever been sitting down and quietly enjoying the film only to have some oaf either, 1) stand on your foot or 2) stick his ass/genitals directly into your personal space?
Awkward.
8) The loud eater
Popcorn is fine to eat during a tense horror or a summer blockbuster, it doesn’t really seem appropriate though during a dramatic film like Schindler’s List though.
Cue everyone instantly turning their head in the direction of the person who sounds like they’ve ordered a garbage bag full of popcon,
9) People on the phone
If anyone answers their phone in the middle of a film then you’ve our permission to instantly take it away from them and beat them over the head with it.
Cinema patrons who also think that the light from their screen has magically become invisible once the lights go off also deserve a paddling.
10) The chancer
Hands up if you’ve ever spent a rainy Monday afternoon aimlessly wandering from screen to screen in your local cinema hoping not to get caught by the staff?
The trick is to never draw attention to yourself and always stay clear of areas where the staff gather.
In the event that you’re spotted at the door without a ticket then this is the proper response.
11) The really precious about everything guy
Ok, you’re occasionally allowed to whisper during the film if something is really important or you didn’t understand a plot development.
Cue the guy in front of you instantly turning around with a face that looks like he was just after sucking on a lemon.
His bat-like hearing and draconian cinema rules clearly don’t like your whispering and he’s keen to let you know.
These people are also the types of cinema goers who usually turn around in utter disgust at even the slightest kick/bump to their chair.
12) The late arriver / wrong seater
You took the time to buy tickets for the sold-out premier of a certain film and you specifically booked a seat that’s central so you’ve a good view of the screen.
As per normal, there’s some jackass that got ‘confused’ between his seat in 1A and your seats in row J10. Easy one to make in fairness.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPiMPwDin7U
13) The question asker
What’s this about? Is this the same guy from that film we saw? Is this a sequel? Is that a monkey or just a really big cat? What did he say when I asked that last question?
14) Kissing couples
We get it, you’re in love. Big fecking deal, now act like normal people and keep the public displays of affection down to a minimum.
15) The Smuggler
Fair play to this person who has managed to smuggle their own popcorn, 2 bags of jellies, a bottle of TK Cream Soda, a whole pizza and two rotisserie chickens past the cinema staff.
You just can’t get good chicken in a cinema anymore.
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