Big bag of doing your best to stay hydrated for the lads.
Folks, it is positively sweltering outside and I for one have had enough. Us Irish people, as a species, are simply not built for this kind of carry on and this has gone on too long. Give us a dark, cold, wet winter’s day and we flourish. Our default setting is miserable and I fucking love it.
For the past two weeks, we’ve been subjected to what I can only describe as torturous conditions. It’s hot, clammy and painfully sunny. People are at breaking point and we need an intervention.
To help combat the weather conditions that every other country is used to except Ireland, I’ve put together a handy list of tips and tricks to help you stay cool this summer.
1. Wear light clothing, or ideally, nothing at all
Don’t even think about putting a full length garment near your appendages for the next 8 weeks you moronic piece of garbage. It’s hotter than the sun’s arsehole and your body needs to breathe. Might I suggest opting for light clothing both in texture and colour to prevent those unsightly sweat patches which are a dead giveaway that you possess a perfectly normal and functioning body – GROSS!
If possible, walk around in the nip. Get comfortable in your own skin, heck, join a Naturist Society for the coming months. The pros are endless: you’ll get an even tan, finally use up all those spare bottles of suncream lying around the house and get to subtly compare your shitty naked body with countless others. Watch out for nettles though! Also camera phones! And the Gardaí!
2. Break up with your significant other immediately
They’re dead weight and you don’t need them. Significant others are the absolute worst, always wanting to spend time together and touching you. Ugh, get lost loser. You’re going to want to pull him/her aside and commence a very swift and vague break up for the summer months. Explain that it’s simply not working out and you’d rather have some time apart for the moment. When Autumn rolls around, you’ll rekindle things quicker than you can say ‘What the fuck am I reading?’
Your new single life will be a breeze. Sleeping arrangements now consist solely of one heat-generating body as opposed to the previous setup of two (or more if you’re a big polygamist legend), meaning you won’t lose your entire body weight in sweat between the hours of midnight and 7am. You can also bask in your own shite during the day without having to do repulsive activities such as “hiking” “going to weddings” or “spending time together”. YUCK!
3. Stop drinking water, you gullible piece of shit
Sick of sweating? Maybe stop guzzling water then, you silly sausage. Sweat is made up of fluids being excreted from your body so if you completely starve your body of any fluids, you won’t sweat anymore. It’s basic science, look it up if you don’t believe me, idiot.
I recommend ceasing all water intake around mid-May, that way when the warm weather comes creeping in, your body will be in a state of extreme hydration deprivation, which means no more unsightly sweating! After about 21 days, your body will begin to shut down, but don’t panic because that means your sweat glands are also shutting down. When you eventually die from a voluntary lack of water, you’ll be sweat free FOR GOOD 🙂
4. Sacrifice a small child to the Sun Gods
This is an ancient Japanese ritual that hardly anyone talks about, but it’s definitely real and proven to be 100% effective. Thousands of years ago, when an unexpected heatwave would cast itself upon the good people of Japanesia, the townspeople would gather together and select their least favourite child to sacrifice in exchange for some less humid weather and a bit of welcome cloud cover.
More often than not, they’d spend so long picking the worst child that the weather would turn cold before they ever reached a unanimous decision. But on several occasions they successfully sacrificed a small child in exchange for some colder times. Sounds cruel? Wrong. The children they sacrificed were Timothy Snout, Jeffrey Lipbalm and Annette Etch-a-sketch, three future evil dictators. So let’s employ this effective method in Ireland and rid our country of the next Annette Etch-a-sketch.
5. Emigrate, you weak little shit
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” – Irish weather, 2017. Listen, if you’re too much of a wimp to starve your body of water, I’m all out of ideas. Just get out of here, go somewhere with a lower temperature and higher quality of life. I recommend Iceland because, as the name suggests, the entire country is probably made from ice.
Be super careful where you put your tongue. When I was in primary school, our teacher warned us about licking frozen things because she knew a little boy who ripped his whole tongue off by licking a Cornetto for too long. That’s absolutely factual so don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now get out of here you absolute scamp, we don’t need your kind on this beautiful emerald isle.
6. Blame it all on a Healy-Rae
Those pesky brothers are always up to no good, so let’s just lump this patience-testing heatwave on them and whatever kind of voodoo witchcraft they’re definitely practicing down in Kerry right now. They’ll try to blame it on some nonsense like God, but we all know that only the true power from within can control the weather, which is something most of us are yet to unlock.
It’s important that you loudly blame the weather on a Healy-Rae so that people nearby can overhear how worldly and well-educated you are when it comes to politics and slagging obvious targets. It’s imperative that your tone suggests that you’ve just discovered an entirely new way of radical thinking, along the lines of joking about leaving the immersion on because you are a true comedian of this generation.
7. If nothing else works, get a fat grip you absolute moan
Let’s get a little perspective here, if we may. On average, we get two hours of sunshine in Ireland each year. On the rare occasion that it lasts a little longer than advertised, we lose our absolute reason and it’s getting a touch embarrassing. Warm weather is nice and it doesn’t stick around forever. But do you know what does? A bad attitude, Ciara, you fucking moan.
I know your deal, you complain when it’s too cold in winter as well. You’re never happy, that’s why your ex left you. You lack focus and motivation in life. Not to get too personal, but you’re scum. A hedgehog is less of a prick than you. Get out there, enjoy the sun and have a quick game of frisbee with your one remaining friend. Smell that? It’s the smell of success, my friend. Happy holidays 🙂
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
