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Happy Ash Wednesday to you and yours. Today, for many, is a wonderful day where they get to put dirt on their foreheads and not eat any meat because a magical book tells them to do so.
A lot of people turn to psychics and clairvoyants to find out about themselves and their future, spending an obscene amount of money in the process.
But savvy Christians need only wait until Ash Wednesday to gain an insight into the inner-workings of their psyche.
If this is you, simply match your ashes to the closest representation below and prepare to be amazed.
The Battery
This particular shape is actually quite a helpful indicator put in place by the priest. He’s signalling the positive end in your battery (of life). If you look closely, there should be a minus symbol on the sole of your left foot as well. Alternatively, maybe your name just begins with ‘T’?
The Loser
This subtle shape is actually quite informative. The priest is very gently trying to hint at the fact that you might be a massive loser. It’s coming from a place of love, also he wonders how on earth you’ve never been informed of this shortcoming in the past. Worrying that he can tell you’re a loser simply by how you walked to the altar for a blessing. Sad.
The Wizard
You are Harry Potter. You’re a wizard whose parents were killed by ‘he who must not be named’ and you’re also a massive dork. Instead of using your magical powers for cool things like unlimited Freddos, you use it to seek revenge on the man (with literally no nose) that killed your parents. Get over it, dork.
The Helicopter Landing Pad
Your forehead is insanely large, so large that you could comfortably land a helicopter on it. The priest is aware that viable helicopter landing spaces are few and far between these days, so he has located a large enough area of vacant space to save pilots the trouble of finding it themselves. In years to come, you’ll be thanked for your service and likely to receive a lifetime achievement award.
The Retweet
Very subtly here, the priest is requesting that you retweet him. It’s likely that he’s followed and unfollowed you on Twitter multiple times to get your attention, so this latest stunt shouldn’t come as a surprise. Give him a courtesy retweet (after mass), you can undo it later. To be fair, his ‘Fantastic Priests and Where To Find Them’ meme was actually pretty funny.
The Dickhead
It would appear that you are, unfortunately, a dickhead. As you approached the priest and gave him a cheeky little wink before he spread the ashes across your forehead, it was likely in that moment he realised your true character. Not to worry, with the right support and determination, this is something that can be fixed before the decade is out.
The Tyson
Congratulations, you appear to be Michael ‘Mike’ Tyson. Although you tried to disguise yourself during Ash Wednesday mass, you couldn’t pull the wool over the priest’s eyes. He spotted you a mile off. Joke’s on you because he’s used his street smarts to unveil you as the former boxing champion that you are. Embrace it, champ!
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