Biscuits, am I right?
Today, we conquer the journalistic equivalent of Everest.
The time has come to rank 26 popular biscuits from worst to best. It’s a difficult task and one that hasn’t been taken lightly. The following list has been years in the making. Many drafts have been scrapped and biscuits re-tasted. Frankly this whole process has been hell, but it needed to be done.
But a winner has prevailed, and following that, 25 other biscuits in definitive order from worst to best.
All decisions are correct and final. Do not @ me.
Now then. Let’s! Get! Ranking!
Currants have no place in society, let alone in our biscuits. When you bite into a Garibaldi, the biscuit doesn’t even produce a crunch, it just sighs heavily and bends like an elderly person picking something off the floor.
The whole point of having a biscuit is that it is an indulgence. If it contains one of your five a day, it can (respectfully) get fucked. Also, we as a society need to downright refuse to consume a biscuit that is nickname for a hairless man named Gary.
25. Fruit Shortcake
A similar logic is being applied to this particular type of biscuit as has occurred with the Garibaldis above. They’re slightly less awful because the actual biscuit is a soft shortbread drenched in sugar, which helps to mask the healthy addition of currants somewhat.
Still, it’s an abomination that fruit is involved, but the sugar and biscuit quality is a welcome distraction. Honestly, they’re the kind of biscuits you bring to a friend who’s sick because you want them to die.
24. Ginger Nuts
NOW! EVEN! MORE! GINGERY! Terrific, let’s amp up the spice so that we can all choke every time we take a bite. Ginger Nut biscuits are a health hazard. They’re far too crunchy and you risk slicing the roof of your mouth clean open with every crunch.
The flavour is perturbing. It’s an unsettling feeling, certainly not one of joy that should come with a biscuity treat. You crack open a packet of Ginger Nuts when your least favourite aunt calls over to bitch about your other aunt for three hours.
23. Rich Tea
Why waste 38 calories on the most boring biscuit in existence when you can just immediately die on the spot instead? Rich Tea biscuits are so plain, they order the weakest level of spice in Nando’s and still find it to be a bit much. They’re just very boring, is what I am saying. To get any real sense of joy out of a Rich Tea, you need to add something to it.
A spoonful of Nutella, some peanut butter, half a litre of vodka, whatever your personal taste is. If Rich Tea biscuits were so great, why would they have needed to bring out a chocolate covered variety? Eh? Yeah. Exactly.
Viscounts are a fraud and this is the hill that I am willing to die on. The packaging suggests that you’re about to indulge yourself in something lavish. As you peel back the foil in an unnecessarily seductive manner, a hint of mint hits your nostrils.
Everything feels special, as any foil-wrapped biscuit should, but then you bite into it and it’s just fine. It’s absolutely fine, no more, no less. They’re setting us up for a loss from the outset. If you’re going to have such a lavish foreplay, you need to back it up with taste. Thank you for your time.
21. Fig Rolls
Fruit, as we have learned, does not belong in a biscuit under any circumstances. Although Fig Rolls are inexplicably better than Garibaldis and Fruit Shortcakes, they’re still not terrific. The biscuit part does the heavy lifting here. It’s smooth, crunchy and slightly doughy which works well with the fig filling.
In fairness to the fig, it’s heavily sweetened so that it doesn’t feel overly healthy, but it is. Deep down, it contains health and that is not the objective of a biscuity treat. Your Nan buys Fig Rolls. For you. But you decline them, you ungrateful but absolutely correct son of a bitch.
A biscuit that has been named after a bodily function does not deserve respect, frankly. Digestive biscuits should never be anyone’s first choice. If a Digestive biscuit was a person, it would be Ross Geller.
A digestive biscuit will always be there, should you need it, but ideally you’re never going to be in a position where that’s a top priority. Their performance when dunked into tea is laughable. They leave a trail of crumbs wherever they go and overall, they’re boring as hell.
A Hobnob is just a Digestive that goes to the gym. Everything is a bit tighter, he’s more sure of himself, he’s probably contributing to a pension fund every month. A Hobnob is, at its core, just a very condensed and dry flapjack. Personally, I haven’t got a lot against Hobnobs, I think they’re very solid lads. But they’re in a list with the greats.
They can’t compete. There are far better biscuits to come. They know it, I know it, even you know it. If someone offers you a Hobnob, you’ll take it, gladly. But if you had to choose between a Hobnob or literally any other biscuit, the latter is going to win every single time.
One time, not to brag, but I saw a packet of Nice biscuits in the supermarket and they were priced at 69 cent. That’s probably the most exciting thing that has ever happened in the history of Nice biscuits, which says a lot.
Everyone’s life is broken into two distinct halves: The time before you learn that Nice biscuits are coconut flavoured, and the time after. That’s the subtle taste you get off a Nice biscuit. That’s what it is. Coconut.
They’re good biscuits, they can withstand a decent tea dunking and they are, as the name suggests, quite nice.
17. Chocolate Chip Cookie
For the benefit of this piece, we are exclusively talking about chocolate chip cookies that come in foil packets. The kind you get in a paper bag from fancy supermarkets in multiples of five are a completely different ballgame and merit a 5,000 appreciatively worded article at a later date.
The standard chocolate chip cookie is a bit lacklustre. They’re always too crunchy and insufficiently sized. If the cookie isn’t the size of your face, slightly moist and dense AF, is it even worth eating at all? NO.
16. Malted Milk
Although the name suggests that they are thoroughly disgusting, Malted Milks are actually a very sturdy biscuit. The ridges on the top provide an interesting eating experience, plus it’s always fun to eat something that has a picture of a cow etched on the front of it.
Nobody really understands where the milk comes into it, but who cares, they’re good biscuits and can withstand several dunks in a cup of tea. Malted Milks are the kind of biscuits you bring out when your friends are over and you want to impress them, but save the good packet of biscuits for yourself.
15. Pink Wafers
At the risk of creating mass unrest, I was tempted to put Pink Wafers in the top ten, but then I located my brain and realised that that would be a disastrous decision. I’d be plagued with strangers berating my choices, questioning my morals and palate. Instead, I bitched out.
I’ve landed Pink Wafers just outside the top ten because I can’t justify how they’re so delicious despite being such a lazy attempt at a biscuit. The cream filling is tasty, the biscuits are light as air and you can easily eat an entire packet in one sitting. But are they mesmerising?
No. They’re just very good biscuits.
14. Jaffa Cakes
Not even giving rise to the biscuit/cake divide here because it’s the most boring discussion since the great sparkling water debate of 2013 which we have all blanked from our memories. Jaffa Cakes are a confusing biscuit, they don’t crunch, they don’t snap and they certainly don’t adapt to the conditions met with being dunked into a cup of tea.
Whatever they are, they’re not awful. If someone put a plate of Jaffa Cakes in front of you, are you going to eat one? Yes, absolutely. At the end of the day, they are a treat. They combine chocolate with some sort of dough, ergo, they are not bad.
A solid halfway placement for the pacesetter of the biscuit world. People are quick to dismiss shortbread, but where would we be without it? Bloody nowhere. Often ridiculed for its simplicity, shortbread is confidently basic. Have you ever tried to make shortbread yourself? Of course you haven’t, because you’re a wimp.
That shit is difficult and commands respect. Shortbread is an accessory to greatness. It’s a good biscuit. I will fight to the death to garner some respect for shortbread. It’s a bit boring, but it’s sure of itself and that’s what matters.
12. Chocolate Hobnob
I’ve made my feelings on Hobnobs perfectly clear when I gave them a 19th place positioning in this list, but with the addition of chocolate, they’re an entirely different ballgame. Chocolate makes everything better. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, all of these mealtimes can be improved with chocolate.
So, can a biscuit as weak as a Hobnob reclaim some dignity with the addition of a chocolate coating? It absolutely bloody well can, yes. Chocolate Hobnobs taught me to love again. They are delicious, albeit a bit crummy in their aftermath.
11. Chocolate Finger
They are biscuits, please just trust me on this one. Chocolate Fingers are unstoppable. From the packaging right down to the shortbread inside, they’re a force to be reckoned with. Think back to the last time you ate some Chocolate Fingers.
At a guess, how many did you eat? That’s right, you can’t remember. Could’ve been two, could’ve been twelve. That’s the beauty of Chocolate Fingers, they are unapologetically moreish and above all else, an incredibly reliable biscuit.
10. Party Rings
A BISCUIT WITH ‘PARTY’ IN ITS NAME!!! IS THIS A JOKE???!!! No, it is very much a reality. Party Rings are a gift unto humanity from the Lord himself. On the first day, he created man. On the second day, he created colourful ring-shaped biscuits that are reserved exclusively for children’s birthday parties.
Party Rings are delicious. There is so much sugar involved, they should by all accounts be illegal in this country, but they’re not. Not yet. Party Rings are a wild ride. Relive your youth with a packet of these wonderful treats today.
9. Chocolate Digestive
As seen with the controversial Chocolate Hobnob, Chocolate Digestives reclaim all that plain Digestives lack. They’ve gone from a zero to a hero with the addition of some chocolate. Turns out that’s all it took. Digestives are like Mia Thermopolis in The Princess Diaries before she gets a makeover to become the Princess of Genovia.
They simply poured a generous amount of chocolate over her and then she flourished. That’s what happened with Digestive biscuits. Their mediocrity festered for so long, then they caved and took them from a 2 to a 10. God bless you, Chocolate Digestives.
8. Jammie Dodgers
An insane choice? Surely not? Well, you better believe it. Jammie Dodgers have been deprived of acclaim for far too long. Sure, they’re not as established as some of their biscuity counterparts. They didn’t burst onto the scene until a short 50 years ago, but they’ve made great headway in that time.
Their salty shortbread mixed with root canal-inducing raspberry jam provides a legitimate party in your mouth with every bite, especially combined with a mandatory cup of tea. You feel satisfied after a Jammie Dodger. Not all biscuits truly sate your appetite like these beefy boys do.
7. Bourbon Creams
The boys. The lads. The Bourbon Creams. They’ve never hurt anyone, never asked for much acclaim. They just sit in the background of a biscuit tin, not particularly interested in doing the heavy lifting. They’ll still be there once all your favourites have been eaten.
They’re an old reliable. Bourbon Creams come in giant packets for some reason. Nobody knows how many are contained in the packet, could be 20, could be 1,000. Nobody in the history of humanity has ever just had one Bourbon Cream. It’s a minimum of four, or none at all.
6. Jam & Cream
Also known as ‘That biscuit from the tin that everyone fights over at Christmas’, Jam & Creams are rarely seen traveling in packs larger than two. Nobody has ever purchased a packet of Jam & Creams, they just pop up at different intervals in your life to check in on you.
A birthday party, Christmas, Easter, your wedding day, you’ll never be further than 100 metres from a Jam & Cream, should you need it. They’re a slightly more rigid Jammy Dodger, but you still get a good bang for your buck. Biscuit, jam, cream, sugar. It’s heaven. It is bliss. It is a reality.
5. White Chocolate Fingers
Basically everything terrific that regular Chocolate Fingers combine, except they’re made with white chocolate. White chocolate is a divisive subject, I know that. I am wise to it. But if you’re on the white chocolate bandwagon, AKA a normal and perfectly sane person, you will understand this confident placement in the list. White Chocolate Fingers are creamy beyond belief.
They’re delicious. They’re always there for you, regardless of age or gender. White Chocolate Fingers don’t discriminate. White Chocolate Fingers would’ve voted for Obama to do a third term if they could. Buy yourself a bumper sized packet of White Chocolate Fingers and allow them to convince you of this 5th place rating.
Possibly the fanciest biscuit on the list, these guys are pure decadence. They ooze sophistication and grandeur. Having a Viennese biscuit means you are a person who deserves and indulges in life’s finest things from time to time, not because you have to, but because you want to. These are satisfying biscuits. There’s a high quality chocolate piped through the middle and the crunch is life-changing.
Credit where it’s due, a Viennese is a delicious biscuit. A cup of tea is mandatory to activate the melting of the chocolate as well as the softening of the biscuit itself. It’s not an everyday biscuit. It’s a treat and it’s a goddamn good one.
3. Custard Cream
Of course they’re in the top three, they’re Custard bloody Creams. They’ve been around longer than the world. You’ll find them at every birthday, wedding, funeral, job interview and subsequent job firing meeting because they’re always there for you.
Custard Creams don’t ask for much. They just plod along in this godforsaken world, doing their best and encouraging you to do the same. Dip them in tea, eat them dry, do whatever the hell you want. Just be happy.
2. Tea Cakes
THEY ARE BISCUITS PLEASE JUST HEAR ME OUT OKAY STOP SHOUTING THANK YOU.
Marshmallow and chocolate on a BISCUIT base. Ergo, they are biscuits and what’s more is they are magnificent. The individual foil wrappers add to the spectacle that Tea Cakes demand. They are delicious and a fun treat to consume.
Often forgotten in this hectic world, Tea Cakes are a vital part of modern society. Please, I beg you, make some time to consume a Tea Cake before the week is out. You deserve it. Give one to a friend. Phone a distant family member. Kiss a stranger’s baby. Live your goddamn life.
1. Chocolate Rounds
Oh heck yes. Oh absolutely Jesus suffering Christ yes.
If you’ve lived a pathetic life which doesn’t involve experiencing these wonderful biscuity specimens, please get acquainted immediately. Stop reading this. Leave your phone at home. Run to your nearest supermarket or corner shop. If they don’t have them, keep running. Run to the next biggest city if you have to. Get a Chocolate Round in your gullet at any cost.
Shortcake biscuit, thick (and what I really mean is thicc) chocolate that is a quality beyond any chocolate biscuit coating you have ever tried before, it is perfection. Dip it in tea and suck the melting chocolate until the shortbread lies naked underneath.
Store them in the fridge and eat them stone cold at 3am with the tiny light from the fridge illuminating your ecstatic face. Put them in another orifice apart from your mouth if you want to.
Please, treat yourself to The Greatest Biscuit Currently In Circulation According To One JOE Writer.
Allow the rest of your life to begin. You’re welcome.