Charlie Sheen’s 20 greatest tweets (so far)

We'll be honest, it was never our plan to follow up last week's Charlie Sheen quotes with another bout of quote-worthy insanity, yet we can't resist the embattled 'Warlock'.

By Emmet Purcell

It has been just one week since we last left you with our Top 20 Charlie Sheen Quotes, yet as we’ve all learned in the past seven days, five years in a regular human’s lifetime is equal to one week in Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood-dripping warlock world.

Last week, Sheen dumped his publicist, had his sons taken into police custody and reached a million Twitter followers in less than 24 hours. How do you top that level of crazy?

Quite easily, actually. This week, Sheen broke 2 million Twitter followers, wielded a machete from the rooftop of Live Nation’s HQ, got fired from Two and a Half Men, posted a series of web video rants and saw a line of novelty ‘tiger blood’ energy drink go on sale.

Our favourite Sheen moment of the past week? Hard to say, although his complaint when unable to get a dial tone to his associate was an instant classic – apparently he was “foiled by a piece of plastic designed by trolls covered in lights and buttons”. The real meat these days, however, is in Sheen’s riotous Twitter page, which has picked up 2.3m followers in the first days of its existence.

Why so many followers? Glad you asked - here is just a sample of our favourite, bat-shit crazy tweets from the man that dedicates every minute of every day to one purpose – winning.

On the title of his future autobiography.

‘The title of my book has finally been delivered thru vast and extensive Lunar channels. "Apocalypse Me" Warlock Latin for WINNING’

On the pain in his heart after one of his live-in girlfriends left him (she returned later).

‘Update: Sober Valley Lodge; Rachel has left the building... We're sad.... Over it... Applications now being accepted!’

On sharing his joy at reaching 1m Twitter followers in just 24 hours.

‘It has all of us within its pages. most Twitter followers EVER, 24 hr period. They should change its title; "The Guinness Book of Us"

On … Warlocks?

This Warlock is in the breach. Poised. T - minus 51 mins. Read my tigerblood dripping lips; you've been warned’

On reaching 2m Twitters before anyone else.

‘Another record shattered. We gobbled the soft target that was 2.0 mil, like a bag of troll-house zombie chow.’

On confirming his earlier statement that revered US founding father Thomas Jefferson was a ‘pussy’.

‘This just in, Thomas Jefferson comes forward to sheepishly admit, "Sheen's right. I am a pussy."

On why only he has tiger blood.

‘The Tigers of the world have issued an apology to Charlie Sheen. In a written statement, "please forgive us all for being such blatant impostors Clearly you, Mr. Sheen, have the only real tiger blood in the known universe.” And yes, they'd been warned.’

On US billionaire entrepenuer Mark Cuban.

‘Cuban, a mad genius, proclaimed every brain cell in this Warlock brain 2 B a weapon of mass destruction. U've been warned; by him.

On media detractors.

‘The trolls are foaming from their toothless holes. rumor mill abundant with evil gossip. mainstream heretics smirking.’

On giving thanks to his followers for entering the Guinness Book of World Records.

‘Thanks to you fabulous and perfect humans, we bludgeoned our way into the 2nd greatest book of all time. "The Guinness book" now complete.’

On his bizarre web video series Sheen’s Korner.

‘Psst, check it, you've been warned. #SheensKorner a violent torpedo of truth. love or hate. Do the math.’

On his recent ‘Earn Yourself’ philosophy.

‘This just in.... another cosmic fastball from the mind of your fav Warlock; Earn Yourself. You already own you. Now go... Earn the power. Earn the Truth. Earn the most important component in this entire dimension. Your Self.’

On the apparent subsequent success of ‘Earn Yourself’.

‘I've been informed me that #Plan Better is rated a major success! thank u all! like my dear friend Gnarls Gnarlington says, #WINNING!’

On ducking out of court with ex Brooke Mueller (Charlie’s tweet actually voided the agreement).

‘Not sure what all the legal noise is about... just verbally reached a deal with B. no court mon. yay....'

On the title of his first web video after being fired from Warner Bros’ Two and a Half Men.

‘"Building the perfect torpedo" or; "How to get fired and still get paid Bazillions." check it.’

On his views of a threesome handbook which was posted by a fan.

'Done! Wrote it in my sleep!’

On ‘the opposition’.

‘..yet the opposition felt it necessary to still harass me with old gibberish.... odd? perhaps. transparent? you betcha!’

On surrendering custody of his twin sons to police last week.

'My sons' are fine... My path is now clear... Defeat is not an option..!’

On whether or not he would follow a fan from Tulsa.

'I invented Tulsa, OK...in my sleep’

On his catchy, one word motto.

‘Face it folks, you just feel better when you say it. #WINNING’