REGISTER TO VOTE!
First of all, we need to address the slogan ‘Everybody’s getting onto it’ which is most definitely a phrase we can attribute the beginning of a large portion of addictions in this modern world.
Regardless, the people on the form all look extremely gas. If we’re being honest, the photographer absolutely had a part to play in this. His directions seem to have been “Smile, some of you show teeth, others don’t smile at all, maybe look like you’ve murdered someone before and you are willing to kill again, but only in the name of registering to vote.”
For no reason other than stupidity, I’m going to rank these fine young folk in order of their apparent eagerness to vote.
20. Passport Photo Guy
I’m certain this man has been in an instructional leaflet about how to take the perfect passport photograph because he is exuding experience in that field here today. He couldn’t give a flying fuck if you register to vote. In fact, he wishes you wouldn’t vote at all. He’s not going to vote, he doesn’t give a flying Flump. Take back the power, overthrow the Government, bring a liquid larger than 100ml in your hand luggage. Live your fucking life. This man has seen some things. Go, save yourself. Burn your house to the ground and leave this form in it.
19. Disappointed Lady
This lady is sick of your shit. No matter how many times you two try to talk things over, you keep making the same mistakes over and over again. She has a life too, responsibilities, a career, ambitions. You’re 27 and you still haven’t registered to vote? You’re a piece of shit. Disappointed Lady sees through your bullshit. The movie Liar Liar was based on your life. Stop telling people that Bali changed your life, you spent three days on the toilet and found out you were allergic to henna tattoos. Register to fucking vote. Or don’t. Who cares. You’ve already disappointed her.
18. Bartender Guy
He’s probably not a bartender but his outfit suggests that he’s either a bartender or a magician, so I was torn. Either way, this man is going to slowly and painfully remove all of your toenails if you do not register to vote. Those piercing eyes are looking straight through your body and into the fiery pits of your soul. This man can see sounds and smell colours. He once solved a Rubik’s cube without looking… because it was in his large intestine. He knows where you live and where the bodies are buried. He doesn’t care about voting, he’s too busy eating bat droppings for dinner.
17. Hollyoaks Extra
This guy’s hair is spiked with Dax and the tears of regretful voters’. He didn’t want to take part in the photoshoot for this leaflet, he’s far too busy with his schedule as an extra on Hollyoaks. He got roped in by his friend because he heard they were offering €50 and a free lunch. He hasn’t actually registered to vote himself, so the irony of the situation isn’t lost on his pretty little head. The photographer instructed him to smile, so he tightened his mouth ever so slightly and somehow got away with it. Legend. Fuck registering, have cans instead.
16. Eyebrows
In a way, we are all Eyebrows Girl. We’ve all been forced into invisibility by an elaborate fringe one time or another. This girl got out of bed one morning, had a shower, curled her hair, applied makeup and accentuated her eyebrows. She arrived at a photoshoot twenty minutes early and chose practicing her smile over making smalltalk with the other attendees. Sure, they might think she’s a bit rude, but she’ll have the last laugh when the image is printed. Wrong. Eyebrows Girl was shafted and you will be too if you register, so don’t bother.
15. Confused Man
Spade a spade, this man is a little perplexed by the situation that is currently unfolding. There’s a toothy smile to his right, an unnecessary amount of blank space to his left and a faceless girl behind him. He’s here to convince you to register to vote, but it’s unlikely that he’s going to vote himself. Truth be told, his mind’s been elsewhere the past few weeks. Things haven’t been the same at home since his company went under. His wife’s been going to yoga a lot more than usual and the house feels eerily quiet with the kids at college. He won’t have time to register to vote, not with such a heavy mind.
14. Half Face Man
What the fuck happened here, Register To Vote Leaflet Photographer? If you scroll to the main image at the top of this article, you’ll see that there’s actually quite a bit of space on the left hand side, if they needed to crop it without hitting a face. This senseless act of insensitivity has left a man unrecognisable in his leaflet debut. He was amped about registering to vote at the time, you can see half a smile on his precious little half a face. But not anymore, that smile was wiped away once the leaflet arrived in his door. It’s drenched with tears now. He wants you to boycott registering. Fuck those guys.
13. Offended Lady
A fourth row placement for this lady who very clearly got a blow-dry in advance of the photograph being taken? Those motherfuckers have some nerve. She’s a small lady, both in frame and height, but she’s got big dreams. She should be the biggest cover star, front and centre, not some Johnny-come-lately hoofed into the background. Her smile says ‘I’m here, but I’m not in the least bit fucking happy about it, God forgive me for swearing’. Add to this, the fact that a solid quarter of her face is being obstructed by a bald head, and you’ve got one offended lady. She’ll still probably register, but she’ll do it begrudgingly.
12. Non-Committed-Smile Man
“Oh you want me to smile, do you? Even though I’ve been shoved in the back here like some sort of human tree in a school nativity?” He’s a good looking guy with a very warm and reassuring smile, and he sure as shit knows it. Similar to #13 above, he feels truly taken for a ride in this photo shoot. He’s already registered to vote, but now he’s questioning having any part in the decisions that have led to a country to being this blasée about crowd photograph arrangements. He wants you to register so you can vote for a better future, one where you can speak up in times of hardship.
11. ‘Doing Her Best’ Lady
Seriously who the heck took this photograph and have they ever taken a group photograph before? Was there no one on standby to ensure that things ran smoothly? Evidently not. This lady registered to vote and has subsequently voted in every election since she turned 18-years-old. What she didn’t vote for was a world where she would have approximately one third of her face obstructed by another man, forced to tilt her neck in the most unbecoming manner so that she can be seen. She has a voice, but does she have a whole face? We may never truly know.
10. Blinking Woman
This respectable woman did not pair her finest v-neck t-shirt with an enthusiastic smile to be disrespected in such a vile manner. They would’ve taken upwards of ten photographs for this leaflet and she was unlucky enough to be landed with this finished product. She’s mortified. Her neighbours are going to see this. They won’t say anything about it to her face, but behind her back, they’ll be making snide remarks and Photoshopping her into pictures with Forest Whitaker. She’ll vote, but she’ll do so with sadness in her heart. How fucking dare they.
9. Sinister Man
There’s something unnerving about this man. He seems a bit too content with having a large portion of his face obstructed by a blinking woman. He knows something and he’s not going to tell us. He hasn’t registered to vote, he thinks they’re all ‘a shower of crooks, bunch of c**ts the lot of them’. To be fair, he’s not far wrong. He’s serving a look that suggests he’d quite happily see this country burned to the ground in the name of being able to say that he was right all along. He’s a divil and we are merely pawns in his game.
8. Jessica Simpson’s Dad
Don’t Google him, just trust me that they look similar if you squint a bit. Jessica’s Dad took time out of his hectic schedule to encourage others to register to vote and even allowed her to straighten his hair to give it a bit more oomph for the photograph. What Jessica failed to tell him was that it would be a group photograph, meaning Mr. Simpson would have to share the spotlight with a cohort of fellow fame-hungry mongrels. Embarrassed, but determined to stand out from the crowd, he’s put on his biggest smile and his least offensive shirt to tell you to register, you ungrateful shits.
7. Polite Lady
She’s politely smiling, but is she happy? The answer is no. She’s got a crippling addiction to coupons and it’s ruining her job, marriage and life. It started with an innocent 50c off low fat milk, flash forward two years later and this woman has folders upon folders of clippings that entitle her to over €4,000 worth of savings. She’s had to build an extra shed out the back to store the items she’s buying in bulk all in the name of saving a quick buck. Register, don’t register. She’s got bigger reduced price fish to fry.
6. No Bullshit Dude
Cowabunga dudes and dudettes, this dude is here to have fun, but also hammer home the importance of registering to vote. He’s your typical summer camp steward who’s all buddy buddy until you get caught snorting pixie sticks after lights out. He’s seen it all before and has approximately zero time for your bullshit. He firmly believes that teens are the scum of the earth and is staring directly at them in this photograph. “Register, Michael from Sneem, you greasy son of a bitch”, he’s thinking. Probably.
5. Nadine Coyle
‘What date of birth did I give you….. ON MY REGISTRATION FORM TO VOTE’. It’s no accident that such a striking lookalike was cast in this particular role. She’s here for the under 16 vote, to remind them to register in two years time. Don’t fake your age to get into a mediocre pop band, kids. Just patiently wait until you reach 18 and then register to vote. This gyal has voted more times than you can comprehend, such is her devotion to cause. She’s even had reconstructive surgery to look exactly like Nadine, so her registering advice would be taken with the ultimate amount of heed.
4. One Eyed Lady
Gabrielle’s only had one eye her whole life. People used to tease her and call her ‘Gabrielle with one i’ in school and it’s a stigma that she’s carried around with her ever since. But everything changed on the day she turned up for the Register To Vote photoshoot. She met the most understanding photographer of her entire life, which was really something since she’d only met one before. He positioned her perfectly (at her request) so that she could disguise her missing eye with a heavy crop. Gabrielle wants you to register because it might just change your life too.
3. Happy Mam
She might not be a Mam, this is just an assumption, but let’s roll with it. Happy Mam takes extreme pride in her family, having reared five kids while himself was off galavanting at work, she’s put those little rascals through school and college, and now it’s her time to relax. She keeps busy with book club on Monday nights and bridge every Friday with the girls, but her passion lies in Sudokus. Happy Mam loves a good Sudoku and is rumoured to be able to finish an intermediate level in four minutes. She’d like you to register. If you don’t, she won’t be mad, she’ll just be very very disappointed.
2. Aspiring Xposé Presenter
This lady has big dreams, but she also has a big interest in celebrity gossip and of course, fashion. She actually won a competition to be on this leaflet, which some say was rigged as she received five times as many votes as the person in second place. Either way, this gal wants you to register because it’s totally amazing and very on trend this season. For all her outfit recommendations for heading down to the polling station on the big day itself, be sure to check out her blog on verytrendyandlikeablegal.tumblr.com. Alternatively, keep your eyes peeled as she’s set to appear in a very spicy reenactment scene on Crimecall next week.
1. Stripes
It’s scientifically impossible to look at this isolated image of Stripes without cracking the tiniest of smiles. The man exudes happiness, charm and divilment with his infectious contentment. His teeth have been scientifically evaluated and described as ‘perfect in every way’. Stripes was born to be on the the cover of a Register To Vote form. It was his destiny. Now that he has fulfilled this destiny, he shall be free to do whatever takes his particular fancy.
Stripes registered to vote twice, but the error wasn’t on his part, it was the department’s fault. They were so transfixed by his enthusiasm and beauty, they accidentally put through his details twice. Strips laughed off the confusion, such is his tolerant temperament that we’ve come to expect. Legend has it, Stripes has prevented two world wars from breaking out simply by sending a photograph of his transfixing smile to all those involved. Register to vote, not for yourself, but for Stripes.
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