Some alternative cracker suggestions.
We love pulling crackers here in JOE and what’s a cracker without a joke inside?
It’s nothing more than a cracker without a joke, that’s what it is!
Ahem… so we’ve decided to come up with some alternative Christmas cracker jokes that more than likely have nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. They’re more one liners than cracker jokes in fairness, but we are all about the alternative here in JOE.
1. I didn’t see much of my own father growing up. Mainly because I wasn’t born when he was growing up.
2. If a female camel wears really tight trousers, is it just called toe?
3. Dog whistles – if there’s a better form of canine communication, I’ve yet to hear it.
4. My wife’s cooking rocks!!! However, I don’t like eating rocks.
5. I never get tired of insomnia.
6. There is a special place in hell reserved for people who use this metaphor continuously.
7. I don’t need the internet. My missus tells me all. I have wife-eye.
8. Never try to kid a radiologist. They can see right through you.
9. Before I entered show-business, I thought cabaret was a taxi full of fish.
10. My daughter is going to the Gaeltacht this summer. I told her to stock up on coffee as there’s apparently a ban on tea.
11. Went to the barbers and asked him for a number 1. So he pissed on my lap.
12. I’m bringing my Miami Vice suit to Spain this summer because I heard it’s well into the 80s over there…
13. The word ‘chastity’ is unfortunately similar to the phrase ‘chase titty’.
14. I live in a two tiered society, the haves and have-nots. Those who have been to jail and those who have not been caught yet.
15. Bono claims to be from Ballymun, but no self-respecting Ballymunner would ever write a song called Vertigo.
16. I only sing that Band-Aid song when I’m plastered.
17. IKEA – Where people with flat caps can pack flats with flat packs and cat flaps.
18. What do you call a heavy metal band who only do Christmas songs? Sleigh-er!
19. I’ve watched all the Lord of the Ring films and the elves haven’t mentioned Santa once.
20. My dad has never worked a single day in his life. He works nights.
21. I got married, but it didn’t work out. So I told it to join a gym or I was divorcing it.
22. It is not correct to assume that her full name is Yoko Or Nearest Offer.
23. I once dated a girl who was in hairdressing college. She graduated with a GHD.
24. If they were so wise, how come those three men didn’t have a map and relied on a star to find the stable in Bethlehem?
25. If the opposite of ‘savoury’ is ‘sweet’, how come the word unsavoury is anything but sweet?
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
