JOE's guide to surviving a Godzilla attack 8 years ago

JOE's guide to surviving a Godzilla attack

Good evening Ireland and that's an order. Have no plans? Read on...

Prepare yourself for anything on a night out...

Advertisement

Picture the scene. You're on a class night out with your pals when suddenly the lights flicker. The ground begins to shake beneath your feet. Suddenly, the TV in the bar stops playing the amazing video to Cotton Eye Joe and is instead replaced by awesome anchorman Bryan Dobson, frantically explaining that the King Of The Monsters is on its way to your beloved hometown.

No, you silly billy, not Twink; it’s Godzilla of course.

godzilla8

Fear not though JOE reader, even though anything could happen, we've prepared this simple guide consisting of five of the most important tips to help you survive the deadly destruction coming your way...

Advertisement

1. Find Bryan Cranston and become his best friend...

This may seem like an obvious piece of advice, as everyone in the world wants to be best friends with Bryan Cranston. However, seeing as he is currently starring as a super scientist in the stomp-and-romp fest that is Godzilla (in cinemas now), he's clearly the man to know if you're looking for an expert on all things Godzilla-related.

Plus, the man is Heisenberg and not even Godzilla has the cojones to start on Heisenberg, right? Right.

cranston

Advertisement

2. Put on your old arm-bands...

We know that this suggestion sounds slightly ridiculous but, believe us, there’s only one surefire way that you’re going to know that Godzilla is on his way.

No you eejit, he doesn’t text you in advance to say that he’s coming to destroy your lovely home; what actually happens is that all of the water in the surrounding area drains as the beast approaches under the cover of a giant tidal wave.

And how do you survive a tidal wave? With a pair of hilaaaaarious armbands of course.

Advertisement

arm bands

3. Carry an umbrella at all times...

Godzilla’s a clumsy aul creature and, as everyone knows, he’s got a tendency to knock over anything and everything in his path. As a result, you’ll no doubt be surrounded by dangerous descending debris and, seeing as you're not the hat-wearing kind of person (they make your ears stick out), it's probably best if you have an umbrella to protect you.

Plus, if it rains while Godzilla is destroying all before him, then you'll stay as dry as a bone. Double bonus.

umbrella3

Advertisement

4. Stock up on packets of chewy sweets...

Always have a packet of really chewy sweets on your person because Godzilla absolutely LOVES eating chewy sweets. It's a science fact.

Be careful though, you can’t use any of your fancy-schmancy chewy sweets that you just picked up in your local EuroGiant. The survival sweets in question need to be from the 1980s, as the amazing authentic science documentary below proves...

5. Grow a beard...

Nothing says "grizzled, tough survivor" like a scraggly, hairy beard. In fact, the messier the beard, the more of a survivor you'll be. While you're at it, you might as well make Bryan Cranston grow one too.

Trust us, Godzilla will take one look at the pair of you and know that he's messing with wrong pair of furry-faced fighters.

walter2

Brought to you by Jameson...

// ]]>