JOE's guide to surviving a Zombie Apocalypse
Good evening Ireland and that's an order. Have no plans? Read on...
Prepare yourself for anything on a night out...
Picture the scene. You've got your good jeans on and you've ironed the collar of your favourite blue and white check shirt. You're heading into town for a well-deserved night out with a gang of your best buds. The night is young, spirits are high and your evening is full of potential.
Who knows what might happen?
You may randomly bump into some old school friends? Perhaps you'll strike up a rapport with a gorgeous girl in the bar? OR MABYE THE DEAD WILL RISE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE AND ZOMBIES WILL WALK THE EARTH?
As we said, literally anything could happen so here JOE's five most important tips to help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse coming your way...
1. Forget about the rest of them and run for the hills...
You're on your own here buddyballs, it's survival of the fittest. Our advice? Forget all of that selfless, chivalry nonsense and save yourself.
OK, sure, that aforementioned lady that you were getting on surprisingly well with at the bar has a great sense of humour, but the zombies won't be laughing at your witty punchlines when they're trying to eat your brain, will they?
No. No they won't. Because everyone knows that zombies have a terrible sense of humour.
2. Stock up on supplies
When zombies inevitably decide to take over the world there'll definitely be one positive thing to come out of it all; there'll now be no need for you to worry about any of that "healthy eating" malarkey that sexy scienticians are trying to convince you to live your life by. So put down the paleo and stock up on as many bags of crisps that you can get your greedy hands on.
Just because there's an apocalypse happening doesn't mean that it can't be a tasty apocalypse.
Now, we'll admit that you may eventually become fat and sluggish, and of course that will make you much more appetising for the flesh-obsessed walking dead, but look on the bright side, you'll be living off tasty crisp sandwiches until the day you die... which will probably be very soon.
3. Toilet paper
Remember when your Granny always used to say "toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper?"
Who knows why Granny JOE always repeated the word toilet paper three times? Maybe it had something to do with that time she fell off of her Harley-Davidson? Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that she just really loved toilet paper.
Whatever the reason, she had a point. It's going to be a long and uncomfortable zombie apocalypse, especially after all of those crisp sandwiches you've just devoured.
4. Make sure you have your copy of Shaun Of The Dead on you...
If anything's going to help you with the onset of a terrifying zombie apocalyspe, it's a DVD copy of the first film of Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost's Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy, the super Shaun Of The Dead (2004).
The ZomCom is (quite literally) a side-splitting homage to the George A. Romero zombie films of old and it's probably best if you think of the film as more a 'How To' guide when trying to survive scary zombie attacks.
So grab your copy and follow the lads' example of how you should most definitely use your soon-to-be-eaten brain...
5. Challenge the Zombies to a chess-off...
We're not too sure when and where this bizarre tradition started, but it's a well-known fact that zombies cannot refuse a game of sit-down chess when offered, even if their in the midst of a bloodthirsty rampage.
And people laughed at you when told them you were President of the Chess Society. Who's laughing now, eh?
The good news is that you don't even need to worry about carrying a full-sized chess board on your person either, as one of those teeny-tiny, pocket-sized, magnetic travel boards will definitely do the job. So start brushing up on your classic Kasparov and sit down and have a chess-off... all before that zombie rips your chest off.
Brought to you by Jameson...