13 things that you’ll never hear your father say 5 years ago

13 things that you’ll never hear your father say

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For the week that’s in it.

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Something happens to most Irish men when they settle down and have a few kids.

It’s like they suddenly access some sort of collective paternal consciousness that makes them speak and act in a certain way. Suddenly, they’re making Dad jokes and adopting phrases that were used by their fathers and their fathers before them.

With Father’s Day coming up, it seemed like a perfect time to look at some of the lines that you’ll never hear your father say. We’d be amazed if we heard our fathers utter even a single one of these comments.

1. Modern music is way better than the stuff I used to listen to

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We’re not sure what’s worse. Listening to your Dad complain about your music or the thought of him Dad-dancing to a bit of Stormzy.

2. Sure why don’t you drive my car and I'll ride shotgun?

things you’ll never hear your father say

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The only way you’ll ever drive is if you can pry the steering wheel from their cold, dead hands.

3. Is there anything you want to watch on TV?

The TV remote is the Irish Dad’s equivalent to the conch shell in Lord of the Flies.

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4. I could murder a salad

things you’ll never hear your father say

Irish Dads tend to be about as enthusiastic about salads as they are about routine medical procedures.

5. Life was much easier when I was growing up

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Your Dad would have you believe that he used to walk five miles to school every morning in the pouring rain (he didn’t). And he'll claim that he had to milk every cow in the parish before going on this daily five-mile trek (that never happened). Dads inevitably morph into the Four Yorkshiremen from Monty Python as they get older.

6. If all your friends are doing it, that should be fine

things you’ll never hear your father say

Cliff-jumping, sticking their hands into fires - your Dad seems to think your friends have much more exciting hobbies than is actually the case.

7. I think you should have your say on the rules in my house

things that you’ll never hear your father say

Notoriously democratic, the Irish Dad. Especially when it comes to things that happen under their roof.

8. Relax! School is no big deal

Even Irish Dads who never made it to secondary school will turn into diehard advocates for further education when they have a couple of kids.

9. Those skinny jeans look really good on you, son

You’ll only hear ever this sentence if your ol’ boy is a big fan of sarcasm.

10. My daughter’s new boyfriend seems like a great fella

things that you’ll never hear your father say

The best that a future son-in-law can ever hope for is a sort of grudging acceptance.

11. Do you have any vegetarian options on the menu?

things that you’ll never hear your father say

There’s a reason that “rabbit food” is a phrase that’s primarily associated with Dads.

12. No, I couldn’t possibly drink another cup of tea

“Did you say you were making tea? You didn’t? Grand, sure I’ll take a cup anyway.”

13. Ah, not the news again!

Rolling news was invented for the Irish father. Most Dads can never watch enough news.

If you're looking for great gift ideas for Father's Day, check out the fantastic range of gifts in Lidl from Thursday, 8 June. They have some brilliant offers on best-selling sports books, DVD boxsets that your Dad will love, portable record players and more. They also have everything you need to make the perfect Father's Day breakfast or dinner.

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