No YOU don’t understand what ‘definitive proof’ means.
It has recently come to my attention that Prince Harry is able to communicate with dogs. Put him in any situation and he will locate and interact with a canine companion.
A number of images have surfaced over the years which show the Royal fawning over dogs, but what’s more, and I truly mean this, the dogs appear to be thoroughly engaged in conversation with him.
The evidence is indisputable, The Duke of Sussex is able to converse with canines.
But what is he saying? What Royal secrets is he spilling among the dog community?
Finally, my lipreading degree can be put to use. Not just for me, but for journalism.
Eton Manner, 2003
“This ball reminds me of billiards, a game which I thoroughly enjoy. You seem to like it too, good boy. Perhaps in ten years I shall play billiards in a foreign land, on a different continent entirely. That would be fun. I’m thinking of heading west, perhaps to the billiards capital of the world – Las Vegas. Unfortunately you good boys can’t come with me, but you won’t miss out on much. Just a quiet night of billiards with some friends. Nothing too crazy, we’re not going to strip off our clothes and have photographs leaked, for goodness sake.”
Midhurst, 2010
“Hello sweet angel. Are you a therapy dog? I think you are. Well, I’ll let you in on a secret. One time I went to rehab for a day. Honestly, it was a place called Featherstone Lodge and it was harrowing. They made me talk about my feelings and promise to stop getting drunk, well, to stop people filming me when I’m drunk. Completely cured my debilitating weed addiction though, so it wasn’t all for nothing. I would’ve much rather spent the day with you. Just us boys, couple of tinnies and some rollies.”
Midhurst, 2010
“Easy girl, you remind me of a pop singer I’m going to date in four years time. Perhaps we shall last an eternity, or a few short weeks. I hope that she can love me like you do, I’d hate to see the whole thing burn out quickly. Really lights up a room, this girl. Anyway, enough about me. Do you like gentle choking? Come on, let’s give it a go. See, not so bad, is it? You are my best friend. If Disney doesn’t make a movie out of this photo op I’m going to be livid. ‘The Prince and the Pup’, come on, it’s gold.”
South Africa, 2015
“Camilla?”
New Zealand, 2015
“We have a rug like this in Kensington Palace. Actually, goodness, you don’t happen to have any siblings that went missing under mysterious circumstances? Nevermind. I must ask, what conditioner are you using? Is it TRESemmé or are we talking L’Oréal? I feel like I could tell you anything. Have you ever heard of a guy called Ronald Crumb? You haven’t? That means my time travel machine worked. I’ve saved humanity, again.”
Orlando, 2016
“You’re a medical alert service dog, right? Cool. Basically, a friend of a friend once drank champagne out of a prosthetic leg and I was just wondering is that bad? I didn’t drink too much, just a couple of sips really. It’s my understanding that you’ve had basic medical training so you can advise whether I need to get a tetanus or go on antibiotics or something, right? Just want to be sure. Again, I cannot stress enough, this is for a friend. Stop looking at the camera like that, you’re not Jim from The Office.”
King’s College, 2016
“Sorry am I fucking boring you there, Alfie?”
Lesotho, 2017
“Dear boy, you are cute as a button. I could drown in your eyes, much like that time I was caught dancing in a nightclub and fell backwards into a swimming pool. It was quite a spectacle, but you’d never do anything like that, would you? Promise me you will never get so turnt that you accidentally immerse yourself in water? Thank you. I feel like we can really understand each other. You can tell me anything. What’s that? My Dad’s not what? Haha silly boy that’s not a funny joke.”
Bath, 2017
“It wasn’t really a Nazi costume, it was just an armband with a swastika on it. Could’ve been anything. People jumped to conclusions, you know? They can be so cruel. Not like you, you’d never hurt me. I took a swing at that photographer because he was being aggressive towards me. Everyone enjoys a drink, just because I’m part of the Royal Family doesn’t mean I can’t partake as well. Who among us hasn’t taken a hit of a joint anyway? I can tell you anything. I fancy the girl off Suits and I’m going to marry her next year. Mark my words.”
Chichester, 2018
“I don’t care what the laws are. I’m leaving her for you. I’ll be back in twenty minutes, say your goodbyes to your family. We elope at noon.”
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
