Don’t be worrying lads, we’ve got your back.
It’s a relatively new Christmas tradition which has divided the nation. Like it or loathe it, there will be plenty of people partaking in it and we here in JOE have tried to compile a survival guide of sorts for the 12 Pubs of Christmas.
1. Hydrate
It might seems blindingly obvious, but one way to ensure you don’t wake up the next day with a mouth which feels like it’s a pair of underpants belonging to a camel in a sandstorm is to keep drinking water.
For every pint you have, you should at least have a glass of water. This may mean you spend an inordinate amount of time in the gents, but you will be thankful the next day.
2. Eat
Again, it seems obvious, but this could be the difference between you completing the 12 pubs or being sent home in a taxi after pub number five with a note returning you to your rightful owner. Grab a burger along the way or better still, have a hearty meal before you head out.
3. Watch your attire
Believe it or not, there are a few pubs in Dublin who are opposed to the seasonal pub crawl and have started banning people from entering their premises wearing Christmas jumpers. Wear one if you want, but don’t say we didn’t warn you if you end up being turned away from certain premises.
Besides, who needs a ridiculous Christmas jumper when you can wear one of these instead?
4. Plan your route
It’s a long and treacherous route, especially from pub six onwards. The best way to combat this is to leave as little walking between pubs as possible.
The less walking you have to do, the less chance you have of falling over and ruining someone’s Christmas as you try in vain to recover the fall by dragging on to someone’s bags of shopping. Plan out the route meticulously, ensuring that each pub is within a few yards of the other.
5. Watch your belongings
There’s nothing worse than having a great night only to find, right at the death, that either your coat, phone or wallet is missing. Christmas time is a busy time for thieves and they will be out in force over Chrimbo.
Gangs of people looking inebriated doing the 12 Pubs will look like sitting ducks to these thieves, so keep an eye out for your own belongings and your friends’ stuff too.
6. Pace yourselves
Of course, this might seems glaringly obvious, but the importance of pacing yourself while drinking cannot be over-stated. The 12 Pubs is not a race. Drinking 12 drinks will have most normal people feeling less than steady and indeed would render some of us here in JOE looking a little bit like this…
Take your time and you might even outlast some of the brash, fast drinkers who after pub seven have now resorted to running around the bar naked from the waist up and singing ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ in a falsetto voice.
7. Don’t be a show-off
Some lads with festive cheer and a bellyful of pints can get a bit boisterous and intent on impressing anyone who happens to be in their company. You know they type: loud as a motorbike (thanks Jay-Z), brash and insufferably smug.
They often think the measure of a man is how many measures of spirits one can do. Stay away from this fool and if you don’t know who it is from your group, it’s probably you. There is always one.
8. Know the seven that are seven too many
Pub crawls of this variety brings peer pressure of having to actually drink alcohol in every single pub. This is not written in law. Sure, head along to each pub, but you are under no obligation to drink a beer or an alcoholic beverage in every single one.
Most mere mortals would be very worse for wear after five or six drinks, so do not feel obliged to keep up with the show-offs. Have a water instead, thus complying with rules number one and six from on our survival guide.
9. Don’t get into a round or if you do, keep it small
If you’re not in a round, you are not obliged to drink in every pub. Buy your own drink and be the master of your own finances and destiny. Sure you might be deemed a bit of a Scrooge, but hey, at least there’s a good chance you’ll still be standing come the end of the night.
10. Arrange to be collected
Most people at the end of this quest will be less than stable and will possibly be turned away by taxi drivers. You can also lose stuff in taxis, especially when you are three and a half thousand sheets to the wind.
Having someone to pick you up will prevent all sorts of mishaps. Unless, of course, your collector is your partner and you’ve just got into the car with lipstick and mistletoe all over your face. You’re on your own there sunshine.
11. Pick busy pubs
This might sound a bit weird, but hear us out. If you go into a quiet pub, you’re going to draw attention immediately and upset the people who have decided to have a nice quiet pint.
Think of others; it is the season of goodwill after all. Plus, in a busy pub, you have the added bonus of not getting drink in too quickly and you can properly pace yourself.
12. Avoid other 12 pub groups
At this time of year, that might seem nigh on impossible, but people get confused when drink is on board. All of a sudden you’ve been in pub number seven with your own group and then leave with another group who are only entering pub three.
It’s a myriad of danger and potential pitfalls out there folks. Be vigilant, watch out for each other, have a good time, but don’t go overboard.
Sláinte!
Click here for even more tips on how to enjoy the night without getting utterly s***faced!
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
