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07th Nov 2018

In defence of weak tea drinkers…

We're not looking to change your mind, we just want you to understand

Ciara Knight

Unlike our tea, we are strong…

Weak Tea Legend – Noun: Someone who enjoys tea which has been brewed for a minimal amount of time, teamed with a large amount of milk.

I, like many others, make what is widely regarded as a shite cup of tea.

While I’ll admit that it is a very serious character flaw, it’s one that affects as many as 1 in 10 people worldwide.

It’s important to understand that most of us didn’t choose the weak tea legend life, the weak tea legend life chose us.

I’m not looking to change any minds here today. All I want is for you to understand.

Weak tea is fit for consumption as soon as it’s made, strong tea has a wait time of 17 years

Unlike strong tea, weak tea is ready to go from the outset. It hits the ground running thanks to the healthy dose of milk that quenches the heat which can reach temperatures hotter than the sun if left unaided. A cup of weak tea will pass your lips without any threat of burning as soon as you add the milk. Strong tea requires an average wait time of seventeen years before it’s ready for drinking, which means you inevitably forget about it in the interim period and only remember it once it’s gone cold. Respectfully, life is hard enough without that kind of hardship.

Weak and milky tea has your back. It’s an instant hit of delicious and warming goodness, putting your comfort ahead of its own. Have you ever burnt your tongue? It takes a full calendar month to heal properly, rendering all food tasteless in the meantime and aching every time you senselessly touch it off the roof of your mouth. Strong tea doesn’t care about your oral health. It’s too macho for its own good. Strong tea will happily scald your lips, tongue, throat and belly with its bravado bullshit. Weak tea is nurturing. It cares.


Weak tea would never allow your delicate hands to get burnt, strong tea doesn’t care if you die

Have you ever picked up a mug of tea without using the handle? Seems likely. I can tell from the way you’re scrolling through this article. Your fingerprints are less pronounced than they used to be, your hands slightly more hesitant to commit to action. That’s from making strong tea. A mug of weak tea will still burn your hands a tiny bit, but to a far lesser extent than strong tea. At the end of the day, they’re both hot liquids, but only one of them will kill you instantly without regret.

Weak tea wants to make life easier for you. We’ve already established that it’s going to be at drinking temperature far quicker than strong tea, but its welcome addition of a heap of milk is going to cool that mug right down within seconds. You could hold the cup without using the handle as quick as four minutes into the cooling process. Cup handles represent societal expectations to conform. Weak tea wants you to step outside the box. Explore your creativity. Live.


Weak tea provides you with a healthy dose of calcium, strong tea wants you to reach your untimely demise quicker

It’s recommended by experts that you get 1000mg of calcium every day. If you’re a hardcore weak tea legend, you could get that entire amount in as little as one (1) cup. Otherwise, the average cup of milk contains 300mg of calcium, so every deliciously milky brew is comfortably getting you on track to hitting that target. But what good is calcium? Well, as that irritating 90s TV advert suggested, them bones, them bones need calcium.

More importantly, calcium is good for our blood, muscles and heart. When you’re a Weak Tea Legend, you need a strong heart to withstand the jibes from those that aren’t accustomed to the WTL way of life. The strong tea crew are hellbent on tearing down Weak Tea Legends simply because they don’t understand us. But we can take it because our hearts are stronger thanks to all that extra calcium we’re getting. They might laugh now, but they won’t be when their blood fails to clot and they, tragically, die.


Weak tea is a reliable conversation starter for all involved, strong tea is common as muck

When you choose to drink weak tea, the bodying is insufferable and relentless. From the moment you reach for a cup until you see the entire process through to completion, there’s a never-ending onslaught of nearby spectators casting judgement on your life choices. “Yuck”, “Wait, you actually drink that milky water?” and “My life hasn’t quite panned out the way I’d hoped so I’m going to take my frustrations out on your God-given right to drink a warm beverage in any way that pleases you”, the cruel remarks are relentless.

But in a way, the bullying brings us all together, Weak Tea Legends and otherwise. A crowd will often gather in the office kitchen so that the entire workforce can methodically work their way through destroying your character because of your tea preferences, but it’s comforting in a way. Everyone joining in, banding together at your expense. Jeering, joking, spitting in your face. It’s endearing. You’re the catalyst for change. The world will unite to body you, together. You’re a hero.


Weak Tea Legends are better equipped to deal with the harshness of everyday life, strong tea drinkers are ultimately wimps

Much like those that have been mercilessly bullied during their schooldays, Weak Tea Legends are hardened to the ways of the world. We’ve been subjected to incessant taunting our whole lives, from friends, family members, loved ones, strangers, even the new guy at work who’s trying to fit in by following everyone else’s lead in mocking your tea preferences despite not being at a level of familiarity with you that makes that an okay thing to do just yet. Basically, we’re tough cookies, is what I’m saying.

We frequently call on the strength we’ve gained from persevering through the constant bodying and channel that into our temperament. We’re patient folk. Not patient enough to wait for a strong cup of tea with a dash of milk to cool down so that we can then drink it, but patient in other ways. We know how to channel your insults into resilience. Many Weak Tea Legends hold positions of power in the free world. Legally, I can’t disclose their names, but they’re there.

Life just doesn’t attack us in the same way it does strong tea drinkers. Everyday challenges rarely go much deeper than surface level in our psyche. We source our inner strength from the name-calling, not the tea. We hit rock bottom each and every time we make and consume tea in public. There’s nowhere to go but up. Strong tea drinkers, you may try, but you will never break us. Ours is a bond stronger than your brew, and that’s the tea.

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