56 useless Game of Thrones characters we wish were already dead

Enough already...

Patrick McCarry

56 useless Game of Thrones characters we wish were already dead

Time is running out and everyone is still squabbling over the Iron Throne.

Meanwhile, if anyone would bloody well listen to Jon Snow, the Night King is leading an army of the un-dead to an imposing wall that has a massive, accessible wooden gate at its’ base. They are slowly, ominously coming.

It is time to cut out the weak, useless and annoying characters – and the ones chewing up screen-time – get together and prevent the long night from setting in once and for all.

Here are the 56+ Game of Thrones characters we could happily live without…

Bran Stark: Utterly pointless character who is now annoying us about being the Three Eyed Raven. Would spare him being eventually absorbed by a tree.

Gilly: Had her moments but in the way now.

Gilly’s child: No offence but he has no plot purpose. Won’t contribute anything in the final shake-up.

Samwell Tarly: Peaked when killing the White Walker. Still bungling around and apologising for it. Didn’t listen when Stannis was talking about Dragonglass.

The Mountain: Gregor Clegane was once feared. Now he is a stiffly moving and charred sausage.

Ed Sheeran: Cooler cameo would have been a gruesome murder at the hands of Arya.

Credit: HBO

Euron Greyjoy: Love the bravado but you know he’ll be dead soon so just get on with it.

Jorah Mormont: Likeable enough curmudgeon at the start but has run out of use. Has been creeping after young Daenarys for far, far too long. Get the point mate – no means no.

Varys: Ever since he revealed he had some old codger locked in a box, the fun-loving spark left his eye.

Theon Greyjoy: Has somehow made it this far. Showed potential by burning the iron monger’s kids but have been a snivelling wimp ever since.

Robin Arryn: ‘Sweetrobin’ still hanging on in there. A whelp.

Littlefinger: His stock has plummeted. Getting bossed around by protegé Sansa. Should never have left King’s Landing.

Nymeria: All direwolves – apart from Ghost – have proved to be massively disappointing.

Thoros of Myr: R’hllor is taking the piss with this lad.

Beric Dondarian: Ditto. Had promise but The Hound showed him up. Badly. That was yonks ago.

Grey Worm: Was cool enough until he found his weakness.

Missandei: Said weakness of Grey Worm. This isn’t Dawson’s Creek.

Tormund Giantsbane: Agreeable fellow but reduced to bit-part comedy and puppy-dog glances.

Tormund & Brienne pic.twitter.com/hu2kEEgV1E

— Lyanna Stark (@xLyannaStark) July 31, 2017

Meera Reed: Got Bran back to The Wall. Thanks for that. You can go now.

Yara Greyjoy: Was acting the spoon below decks when her entire fleet was smashed to bits. Her time is up.

Ellaria Sand: Yara Greyjoy? Really?!

The last Baratheon bastards: King Robert fathered 16 extra kiddies but Queen Cersei saw off most of them. We reckon four or five are left – including Edric Storm and Gendry. They can all go. Claims are useless now.

Hot Pie: Ta for the memories.

Alys Karstark: Was convinced to marry Wildling leader Sigorn, Magnar of Thenn. That’ll do. White walkers will gobble them up.

Podrick Payne: A poor man’s Samwell Tarly. Hopeless case.

Randyll Tarly: Sam’s father and a right old hard nut. Will plough on a while yet but destined to cop a spear through the sternum or get hoicked off a cliff.

Dickon Tarly: Ser Jaime couldn’t even remember the chump’s name.

Melisandre: Ever since she took that amulet off, even for a while, it just has not been the same. She has put in a shift for 800-odd years but she really botched the whole Stannis ‘one true king’ farce.

So we’re at 33 now [and quite a few thousand of the Unsullied] but we’ll keep our vow and make it to 56 by clearing out another bunch of sods that have gone rapidly downhill since season one.

Dothrakis: Once feared by everyone across the Narrow Sea. Now very much at heel, guarding Jon Snow’s boat and resorting to looking like surly, ‘roided-up chumps.