Fallen Kingdom is a fantasically scary monster movie, lost in the middle of a very weird Jurassic Park movie

Props where props are due... this was VERY unexpected.

There is a certain mapped out DNA to these Jurassic movies. The first Park took us on the dream trip of visiting a dream island sci-fi theme park paradise before it gets overrun with tourists, and then made it all the more exciting by letting the prehistoric zoo get turned upside down. The Lost World tried something new, by dropping the "Oh, did we forget to mention?" fact that there was actually a whole other island full of dinosaurs, and then accidentally let the biggest one loose in downtown San Diego. III brought us back to that new island, now lost to the ravages of time and nature, and the "Oh, did we forget to mention?" fact that there was an even bigger-than-the-T-Rex bad dinosaur. Even Jurassic World, which finally gave audiences what they didn't realise they'd wanted all this year, and showed the fully functioning park, and then made it all the more exciting by letting the prehistoric zoo get turned upside down, followed the rule of the Jurassic movies. And that simple rule is as follows: Get off the tropical paradise filled with dinosaurs as soon as humanly fucking possible. Which is why it is fairly ballsy that Fallen Kingdom essentially hits the self-destruct button on that set-up, by destroying the tropical paradise filled with dinosaurs with a "Oh, did we forget to mention?" suddenly active volcano. It is a big, blockbuster-y premise that we can totally buy into, and getting the legitimate genius director J.A. Bayona (The Orphanage, The Impossible, A Monster Calls) behind the lens was another feather in an already over-feathered cap. There are scenes in this movie that really show off his scalpel-sharp skills at cranking up the tension, and when JOE sat down to speak with him, he specifically noted that, of all the movies in the history of cinema to be influenced by, Bayona stated that he really wanted to evoke the atmosphere of Dracula. Yep, he's going old-school horror, and we are totally on board with that, too. The movie even does a good job of explaining away the John McClane problem (seriously, there are only so many times you can find yourself in these situations before you have to ask whether or not the universe just wants you dead), by giving Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard's characters legitimate reasons to be back in the mix of things, and their characters have much better chemistry this time around, too. The movie's baddie is much better than Jurassic World's was, most of the supporting characters are pretty great, and there is actually a scene that will evoke a tearful reaction from the audience for the dinosaurs. And yet... you knew from that headline that this was coming... there is no other way to put it: this movie is a mess. Colin Trevorrow co-wrote the script for this movie, and he is the guy who directed Jurassic World to the $1.672 billion worldwide success that it became. He is also the guy who was hired to direct Star Wars: Episode IX, but was then promptly dropped due to "creative differences", and was replaced by The Force Awakens director J.J. Abrams. You can very much feel Trevorrow's script is almost constantly at war with Bayona's directorial style, giving him the playground to have fun, but then filling it with a screenplay that feels like unset cement, one that Bayona keeps getting dragged down by. The first inkling kicks in during the very first scene, as a group of mercenary scientists (?!) break into the now abandoned Jurassic World, and everyone is a bit freaked out about approaching the big tank with the giant crocodile dinosaur that helped kill the Indominous Rex at the end of that movie. But then one of the men reminds the crew - and us, the audience - that "It has had nothing to eat, so it will be long dead by now". Yeah, it should. But guess what? It isn't. It is the first of many, many occasions across Fallen Kingdom when the movie seems to be acutely aware of potential plot-holes, being smart enough to point them out, but too lazy to actually do anything about them. And that doesn't even begin to approach one of the major plot-developments in the movie that we're not going to spoil here, but OOOHHHHHH BOY. It is going to go down in the history books of cinema for one of the most WTF? moments in blockbusters, and not in a good way. This is a tough thing to talk about without actually talking about, but it is another example of the movie attempting to be smart, but just ending up looking profoundly lazy, with another "Oh, did we forget to mention?" moment, but one so out-of-nowhere that it is likely to give the entire audience whiplash. Plus there is the cliff-hanger ending, one which actually seems kind of cool for about five seconds, until you put any kind of thought into what it means, and realise that it makes zero sense. By completely ditching the DNA of the Jurassic movies, the folk behind the Fallen Kingdom deserve some credit for trying something new, but instead of feeling fresh, it feels more like a Frankenstein's Monster, with real talent and intelligence put into something that already feels like it is decaying. When this is Bayona's movie, it flies. When it feels like Trevorrow's movie, it crashes and burns. Either way, it is definitely worth a look, if for no reason than to watch a tried-and-tested, hugely successful formula get thrown out the window for something far riskier. That being said, there is that whole second location from The Lost World and III that everyone in this movie seems to have just completely forgotten existed, so it is good to know there is a back up tropical paradise filled with dinosaurs to use for the inevitable Jurassic World 3, which is already set to arrive in cinemas on 11 June 2021. And it is to be directed by... Colin Trevorrow.