Dear Hollywood, please don’t make sequels to any of these films…
We recently brought you the news that Chuck Palahniuk was about to break the first rule of his own book, Fight Club. Apparently the gifted author is working on a comic-book follow up to his seminal 1996 novel.
Much like everything else, if it’s successful we have no doubt that it will be turned into a film. To be honest, we would be sceptical about any sequel to the brilliant David Fincher film but this has got us thinking, what other films should never ever have a sequel made?
The Big Lebowski
A film that is essentially about nothing could have endless possibilities for a sequel but we feel that The Dude should be allowed to abide and preserve his legendary slacker cool status.
JOE imagines that he has better security now, especially since the rug that really tied the room together was stolen by German nihilists all those years ago. Anyways, El Duderino would much rather spend his time drinking white Russians, bowling and enjoying the occasional acid flashback.
Top Gun
Apparently, a sequel to the ’86 classic is already in the works but we think that the original cannot be topped for the following reasons:
1) That soundtrack can’t be beaten. 2) The original director was supremely talented and is sadly missed. 3) Tom Cruise wasn’t as annoying back then. 4) Too many films have already bastardised ‘The Need for Speed’ ethos. 5) They probably don’t plan on bringing Goose back as a ghost.
Nail, head, hit. Have a look.
Clip via – Screen Junkies
The Shawshank Redemption
Any sequel to this could only go one way.
The Mexican police raid Andy Dufresne’s hotel where they arrest him and Red for parole violation. The duo are sent back to Shawshank prison where they serve out the rest of their sentence in solitary confinement within the highest walls possible.
Jeez, talk about a downer.
Zoolander
We absolutely loved the original because we see a lot of ourselves in Ben Stiller’s loveable model.
Just like the world’s most famous male model, JOE is also ridiculously ridiculously good looking, we’re ambi-turners to and we also have plans to open the ‘JOE Centre for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too’.
One thing we can’t get on board with is any idea for a sequel, just because time has proven that sequels to smash hit comedies are never as good as the originals.
Zoolander is perfection as a stand alone film, just like the man himself.
Clip via – NicoleMorelz’s channel
Gladiator
The scary thing about this is that a sequel was actually very close to being made. We have one question. Why?
Ridley Scott’s swords and sandals epic is a near perfect film with a career defining performance from Russell Crowe. Having watched it again recently, the effects haven’t aged at all and the story is given extra gravitas by the presence of the late greats Richard Harris and Oliver Reed.
Plus, there seems to be one obvious glaring issue, Maximus did die at the end.
What was the sequel going to be about then, you ask?
Well, the story that was written by musician Nick Cave revolved around Maximus gladiator-ing (is that even a word?) against some Roman Gods in the afterlife until they all agree to let him go back into the land of the living.
The newly reincarnated Crowe then spends some time in Rome defending early Christians from persecution and somehow manages to become immortal.
During the next two hours, we watch Maximus kick ass throughout history, being present at every war that was ever fought from the Crusades right up to Vietnam. So this film would essentially be, Russell Crowe fightin’ round the world. Brilliant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSomiNeUIfY
Clip via – MOVIE Channel
A Nightmare on Elm Street 74
Didn’t they say everything that was needed to be said in the first 73 instalments?
Ferris Bueller
This film could only turn out these ways:
1) Ferris goes to college and skips class in favour of the bar… just like every college student in Ireland.
2) Ferris grows up and becomes a responsible adult who values punctuality and hard work over excitement and fun, aka a boring fart.
3) A middle aged Ferris gets an office job where every once in a while, he sends Cameron a Facebook message begging him to cut work for a day, which goes unanswered. Sloane then begins to worry that her husband keeps saying catchphrases to no one. Pass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKTKqP7Qg4s
Clip via – MyDonkness
E.T.
This is another sequel that was very close to being made, however, JOE would love to have five minutes with the studio heads to see if they would listen to our ideas on what it should be about.
We think that any sequel should revolve around the fact that E.T. was originally left on earth as an evil scout whose sole purpose was to befriend, study and observe potential weaknesses in the human race.
Using this information, he rejoins his family on their space ship and then they instantly hatch a cold blooded plan to take over the earth ‘Independence Day‘ style.
E.T. and his family then return to earth and enslave all humanity, starting with Elliot of course, who E.T. captures and tortures. Now that’s a family movie.
The Goonies
This will probably incite controversy and a plethora of angry emails but let us make our point.
To begin with, The Goonies is one of our all time favourite films and not a day goes by without JOE practising the truffle shuffle in the mirror.
The sad fact though is that Mikey, Mouth, Chunk and company have all grown up and they probably don’t even need Sloth’s help anymore… apart from Chunk because they do everything together. We like to think that they even went off to college as a pairing.
Like a lot of the films in this list, the original is absolutely perfect because it captured a unique time on film when more non-PC things were allowed.
Any sequel will probably involve the original Goonies getting up to crazy antics and passing wisdom onto their own kids and we don’t want that.
We want to see Mouth being cheeky and asking the Fratellis for a good fettucini alfredo and a bottle of fettucine 1981 or Chunk breaking down doors because he is so enraged that his friends are trying to sell naked pictures of his mom or Chunk pretending to throw up all over a cinema full of people or this…
Clip via – dominooo385
Seven
Another David Fincher film that we would never like to see a sequel to because the Brad Pitt/Morgan Freeman thriller is an absolute classic with one of the best endings in cinema.
Any sequel would probably also require a re-write in the Bible also. JOE would be curious to see what the eighth sin would be though. Death for anyone who wears socks and sandals, orders half a pint in a bar or uses their phone in the cinema. Any more ideas?
Con Air
Because it’s bloody perfect. The bunny stays in the box. FACT.
Clip via – jonnybwright’s channel
So what do you guys think? Any other suggestions? Feel free to let us know in the comment box below.
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