This. Is. SEQUEL.
Well, it kind of is...
301 300: Rise Of An Empire, the latest (literal) butchering of Greek history, sees its awesome action taking place before, during and after the events of Zack Snyder's 300, expanding and developing both the story and world that the hit-and-mostly-miss director first presented in his highly-stylised adaptation of Frank Miller's gore-tastic graphic novel back in 2007.
This time around, however, we're presented with an entirely new bunch of bearded, buff, beastly beauties to make us feel hugely inadequate, led by the legendary Greek general Themistocles, played by a very impressive Sullivan Stapleton.
But JOE, how do we actually know that they're an entirely new bunch of bearded, buff, beastly beauties from the ones that we previously met in 300?
Because they wear blue cloaks, not red ones. Genius.
Loosely based on the second Persian invasion of Greece (you remember that one, right?), Rise Of An Empire opens in super style with Gerard Butler getting his head lopped off, probably due to crimes against Irish accents in film. That's right P.S. I Love You, we're looking at you.
The Spartan leader's head lopper-offerer is none other than Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro); the giant, golden Persian King who, in a pair of yellow speedos and flip-flops, basically spends the entire film looking like an Irish Dad abroad who also just happens to have jaundice and a penchant for bling.
Snyder, opting to make a hames of Man Of Steel instead of helming this particular sequel, has left the directorial duties in the creative hands of Noam Murro, a relatively novice director who does surprisingly well with this well-told, big budget blockbuster.
In Stapleton, Murro most certainly has an impressive, engaging and lethal lead man, ably replacing the shouty Spartan played by Butler. The real star of the show, however, is undoubtedly his opposite number; the Persian warrior woman Artemisia, powerfully portrayed by Eva Green.
Artemisia is the kind of craaaaaaazy woman who won't just boil your bunny; she'll decapitate it, delimb it and devour it right before your terrified eyes. Green's fiercely sexy performance as the leader of the Persian naval forces is what makes the story so compelling, and it is the rivalry and respectful relationship between the two leads that has the audience hooked right from the beginning, as the pair swap battle tactics, blows and, in a particularly rompy-pompy scene, bodily fluids.
It's safe to say that with both of the 300 films the audience knows exactly what they're getting. On a very basic level it's Gladiator meets Sin City with a heavy rock soundtrack and, as with the 2007 film, Rise Of An Empire's subsequent battles grow in size and stature as that rock music gets rockier, the slow-motion gets even slower, and the cartoon blood becomes even more cartoonish; splattered across the cinema screen as you're caught up in the middle of excellently-executed and intriguingly-strategised naval clashes.
Sure, we all know that the dialogue is more wooden than the Trojan horse (inaccurate and sh*t historical reference, we know) and even the film's flashbacks have flashbacks, but if you're after a film that is incredible to look at and is packed to the beefy brim with ab-tastic action then this is the perfect film for you this weekend.
300: Rise Of An Empire is that rare thing in cinema; a sequel that is bigger, bloodier and better than the original.
To paraphrase King Leonidas one last time... THIS. IS. In cinemas now so go and see it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zqy21Z29ps
