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Movies & TV

10th Sep 2013

JOE’s Top Five Action Film Heroes…

What do you mean we can't pick Steven Seagal in every position?

Eoghan Doherty

Are you ready to feel incredibly inadequate and the least manly you’ve felt in a long, long time? Good. Because JOE’s about to reveal to you our five favourite hulking action film heroes.

The guys on this list can do anything.

They can beat you to a pulp with a rolled up magazine. They can take out 40 poorly-trained henchmen with a cocktail in one hand and a sultry, beautiful lady in the other. And they could kill you so expertly and so silently that you wouldn’t even know you’re dead until you’re asked to show your ID at the pearly gates. They are absolute pros.

It’s all to celebrate the return of the Jameson Cult Film Club as they put on their biggest and most action-packed double screening to date. Continuing on from this year’s successful screenings of Intermission and LA Confidential, the Jameson Cult Film Club promises to transport the audience right into the world of the high suspense action classic, Die Hard (1988), which will be screened at a secret Dublin location on Tuesday 17th and Wednesday 18th September 2013.


John McClane

There is simply no way you could discuss the greatest ever action film heroes without including the daddy of them all, Detective John McClane (Bruce Willis). When we say “daddy”, we don’t actually mean that he fathered the other characters, it’s just an expression. Although, in saying that, he definitely could have fathered them if he really wanted to, he actually is that amazing.

As McClane says himself, how can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? Or, at this stage, five times.

White-vested, wearing no shoes and with gradually less and less hair over the years, Bruce Willis’ wise-crackin’ New Jersey cop is the perfect action hero. Often copied, never bettered.

Copied by JOE that is. In the house. Alone. On a Friday night. Yippee ki-yay lonely mother-flippers!

Jason Bourne

The most recent of all of the action heroes on our list, Jason Bourne is also one of the most highly-skilled and deadly, especially when offing guys with everyday household items such as biros, magazine and manky hand towels.

Brilliantly portrayed by MAAATT DAAAAMON (we don’t really talk about the Jeremy ‘I take magic pills to make me great’ Renner incarnation), Bourne is the amnesiac action hero who remembers one thing and one thing only – how to kick your floopin’ ass.

Check out the exceptional action triple combo of Identity, Supremacy and Ultimatum to see exactly what we mean. The man is a hipster-jumper-wearin’ killer.


James Bond

As well as Jason Bourne, the other JB-initialled badass on our list is Bond. James Bond. See what we did there?

On the go, in film terms at least, for 50 years, Bond is the super suave, super sexy, action hero and MI6 agent that we all wanted to be growing up. Apart from the Roger Moore version. No one wanted to be that version. Not even Roger Moore.

Over the course of 23 (official) films and between the acting action talents of Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig, the place of Bond has been firmly secured in Hollywood history as one of the great movie heroes.

Just check out the crackin’ action-packed parkour chase in Craig’s first Bond effort, Casino Royale (2006):

The Terminator

Ok, ok. So admittedly the T-800 hasn’t always been an action hero but, when it really comes down to it in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, the Terminator is the futuristic cyborg you want fighting your corner.

Perfectly played by the slow-talkin’ and fast-shootin’ Arnie ‘why do you cry’ Schwarzenegger, The Terminator is the guy/thing who manages to get the job done, even while wearing an inordinate amount of leather clothing.

JOE finds it hard to just type in those pants so we don’t know how he does it. Especially while riding a Harley-Davidson and firing a shotgun at the same time:

Chuck Norris

He may not be an action hero character per se but he’s Chuck Norris for God’s sake. Are YOU going to tell him he’s not allowed to be on the list!?

We didn’t think so.

Stare at this action-packed clip at your own peril. You have been warned.

Now get off your bum, get to the gym and become the action hero you always knew you were.

Actually, forget that. Just register for tickets for the Jameson Cult Film Club Die Hard screening here and let John McClane show you how it’s really done.

die hard