Welcome to 5 Minutes Or Less, a script breakdown for only the biggest blockbusters, giving you hundreds of millions of dollars worth of explosive big screen action in less than 300 seconds worth of reading or your money back. (You didn’t pay for this, so there’s nothing to refund here.)
In this edition, buckle up as we get into top gear to take a gander at Logan.
If you haven’t read them yet, here are our 5 Minute Or Less breakdowns of Beauty & The Beast, Fast & Furious 8 and the first four seasons of House Of Cards.
Oh, and obviously, SPOILERS!
FADE UP. HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION OFFICE. DAY.
EXECUTIVE #1: Jeez, did you see how much money Deadpool made?
EXECUTIVE #2: Yeah, it’s almost as if we don’t need to make superhero movies exclusively for teenagers.
EXECUTIVE #1: I know, right? So how can we make the next X-Men movie more suitable for adults?
EXECUTIVE #2: I’ve got some ideas…
CUT TO: INT. LIMO. NIGHT.
BRIDAL PARTY: Hey, Wolverine, check out my boobies!
WOLVERINE: Holy f**king sh*t those are some nice f**king boobies!
RANDOM CRIMINAL: I’m going to steal your limo!
WOLVERINE: Oh yeah? Then I’m going to shove my claws really explicitly violently through your brain.
AUDIENCE: Woah. Nudity, bad language and extreme violence? They’ve made the ultimate adult movie for 15 year olds!
CUT TO: MEXICO. DAY.
PROFESSOR X: I’m f**king slowly going f**king senile for f**ks sake!
AUDIENCE: Oh, that’s weird that hear him cursing like that.
STEPHEN MERCHANT: Plot plot plot plot plot plot plot plot plot plot plot plot. Got it?
WOLVERINE: Got it.
LITTLE GIRL WOLVERINE: Espanol espanol espanol espanol espanol espanol epsonal. Si?
WOLVERINE: Si.
CUT TO: ROAD TRIP. DAY.
METAL ARM BAD-GUY: You’re going to wait the entire movie for this metal arm to do something cool.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, we can’t wait.
METAL ARM BAD-GUY: You are going to be left disappointed.
PROFESSOR X: I’ve got a headache. *accidentally kills half of Oklahoma*
WOLVERINE: *kills the remaining half of Oklahoma with his claws*
CUT TO: NICE FARM FAMILY HOUSE. NIGHT.
YOUNG WOLVERINE: They made me to kill you, because reasons.
AUDIENCE: Hang on, they made Young Wolverine AND Little Girl Wolverine? Then why are they even chasing her? Just make a new one!
WITHNAIL: I’m not the bad guy here. I’m trying to cure the world. But having said that…
ENTIRE NICE FAMILY: *gets murdered*
PROFESSOR X: I’ve been playing this character for 17 years, please just let me go. *also gets murdered*
WOLVERINE: This is why I can’t have nice things. Someone keeps murdering them.
CUT TO: SAFE HAVEN. DAY.
LOADS OF MUTANT KIDS: We’ve built this compound before we can cross the border into a safe place that we’re really not going to get into too much detail about…
WOLVERINE: Why not just cross right now? I’m not entirely sure why we’re waiting for a specific time to cross.
MUTANT KIDS: Because there needs to be a big fight at the end.
WOLVERINE: Oh right.
EVERYONE WHO HASN’T ALREADY DIED: *shows up*
LOADS OF MUTANT KIDS: Lets combine our special powers which include the ability to never be able to shake hands unless we accidentally electrocute our loved ones, and the ability to make grass grow slightly faster than usual, and take down Metal Arm Bad-Guy.
METAL ARM BAD-GUY: Nooooo, I was just about to use my special metal arm bad-guy move! *dies*
AUDIENCE: Awwwh!
YOUNG WOLVERINE: *impales Older Wolverine on a tree*
LITTLE GIRL WOLVERINE: *shoots Young Wolverine in the head with Chekhov’s Gun an adamantium bullet*
WOLVERINE: I’ve been playing this character for 17 years, please just let me go. *dies*
AUDIENCE: There’s something in my eye. I’m not crying! You’re crying!
CUT TO: HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION OFFICE. DAY.
EXECUTIVE #1: That worked out pretty well.
EXECUTIVE #2: I know, right? So what comic-book should we make more adult next?
EXECUTIVE #1: I’ve got some ideas…
CUT TO: NEW YORK CITY. NIGHT.
THE FANTASTIC FOUR: We’re f**king here to f**king save the f**king world, motherf**kers!
FADE OUT.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
