Confession: A couple of these films are pretty bad.
But therein lies their charm.
JOE’s movie picks is designed to give you, the reader and potential viewer, a decent scope of options if you’re planning on a night on the couch that doesn’t involve wasting hours stressing over a streaming option.
The magic of TV programmers deciding what you could watch at a fixed time? It still has its place in this ever-evolving world.
With all of that in mind, can we really ignore movies that are so astonishingly ramshackle and questionable that they are fascinating as a result?
We cannot. And so tonight – Saturday 22 September – you have a potent mix of genuine greats and… well, see for yourself.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army – ITV 2 – 8pm
Guillermo del Toro’s excellent sequel to his strange original; Hellboy II expands the gothic mythology of the first adventure by bringing about the titular threat of the Golden Army.
Ron Perlman is once again brilliant in the role he was born to play, while Luke Goss of BROS fame brings grace and nuance to an antagonist that, like all great villains, offers valid points amidst the mayhem.
Die Hard 2 – E4 – 9pm
Lightning strikes twice for John McClane on a bigger scale as he battles bad guys from the comfort of an airport.
Die Hard 2 – Die Harder, of course – tends to occupy the lower spots on Die Hard ranking lists, but this writer argues that it deserves a little more respect.
No, it’s not on the same level as the first one but what is?
Rocky IV – ITV 4 – 9pm
Okay, I think we all know what’s winning the 9pm battle and it isn’t Bruce, is it?
Rocky IV is quite an incredible film, really. It’s barely a film! A good chunk of its pacy running time is taken up by montages, and the plot is fairly rote four films in.
AND YET, it’s ridiculously knowing fun, from Dolph Lundgren’s terrifyingly imposing Ivan Drago to the soundtrack that is maybe the greatest example of 80s excess caught on record.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Film 4 – 9pm
Underrated.
The second instalment in the Hunger Games does what any decent sequel should do; raises the stakes and opens up the established universe.
Gods of Egypt – Channel 4 – 9pm
The first of our ‘okay hear me out…’ picks tonight.
There’s no point in underselling this – Gods of Egypt is a colossal mess. It looks horrible, has Gerard Butler at his worst overacting and is just really, really silly.
But look, you do also get a 10-foot tall Butler transforming into some weird dog monster so it’s at least worth weighing it up.
Suicide Squad – RTÉ 2 – 9.30pm
One of the most notorious misfires of recent years and a fine example of what happens when you panic and try and do the Marvel thing after only a couple of movies.
Jared Leto is as distractingly terrible as you’ve heard, but his screen time is so short that it’s left to a horrendous script and amateur editing to bring things down.
Car crash stuff, and thus you may not be able to look away.
The Transporter – Film 4 – 11.45pm
When all else fails, go to The Stath.
The Transporter is extremely goofy but great fun all the same. You’ll never look at oil, bike pedals or Jason Statham the same ever again.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
