Gross. Gross gross gross. Gross and ick and gross and no thank you.
Hello and welcome (back) to our weekly power-ranking of the characters of the first season of House Of The Dragon.
Need a quick reminder on this 200-years-earlier prequel to Game Of Thrones? Click right here.
Each week, we’ll be listing all of the major characters who have died – OUT! – as well as ranking them from the least likely to make it to the next episode, all the way up to who is the most likely to be ruling Westeros as we know it come the series’ end.
So here we go, the power-ranking for the fourth episode of House Of The Dragon, titled King of the Narrow Sea…
OUT! – The one bully guy at the start
Dozens of potential suitors from all over the lands flocked to potentially win the hand of Princess Rhaenyra, but none of them were of interest to her. One very young boy threw his hat into the ring, only to be constantly insulted by a much larger man on the sidelines.
This eventually resulted in a swordfight, and to the shock of everyone, the buff bully had his guts spilled by the young warrior. Maybe the Princess should rethink him as an option, he seems like he’s knows what he’s doing!
ELEVEN – Ser Otto Hightower (Rhys Ifans)
The puppets have finally cut their strings from the puppet master. Otto was incredibly subtle with his machinations, but after one too many sideways glances during important announcements, Viserys has finally been rid of him as the King’s Hand.
You can tell that Otto is absolutely devastated – not only to be found out, but to also be shoved so far from any kind of position of power – and he is now in a very dangerous position. Without any protection, he’s utterly on his own. Will he try to coerce his daughter to continue to do his bidding?
TEN – Prince Daemon Targaryen (Matt Smith)
Jesus, what a week. He returns a sort-of hero, and then is banished as a complete wastrel.
He gives us his crown as the King of the Narrow Sea, as well as the Crabfeeder’s weapon of choice, to be added to the Iron Throne, and once again bends the knee to Viserys.
But then he brings Princess Rhaenyra – his niece, don’t forget! – to a pleasure house, shows her the pansexual orgy within, before almost having sex with her. Instead, he stops at the last minute and runs off. But word of their interaction still gets back to the King, who sticks the boot in (literally) before banishing him forever.
If only Daemon could keep his mouth shut and his pants on. Alas, it is not in his nature.
NINE – Ser Criston Cole (Fabien Frankel)
Having been edged off by Daemon, Rhaenyra returns to the castle looking for someone else to, uhm, have fun with. And it doesn’t take long for her to seduce Criston, her personal guard. It is a much more romantic, passionate love scene that the other sex scenes we see in this episode, but causing no less complications.
Should word get out that Criston has coupled with the Princess, the King will be far more inclined to simply have him killed. So he’d better hope nobody spotted them together, but as we already know, every corner of this castle seems to have eyes.
EIGHT – King Viserys I Targaryen (Paddy Considine)
For the first time since the show began, Viserys isn’t in the most immediate trouble. Having said that, he is still very clearly rotting away, with more and more poisoned puncture wounds being inflicted upon him by his own throne. Has anyone, I dunno, tried hosing that chair down, maybe?
SEVEN – Mysaria (Sonoya Mizuno)
After being a no show last week, we now see where Mysaria has been for the years in between episodes two and three. It would appear she and Daemon have parted ways, and she’s now running the pleasure house herself.
She also makes Daemon pay for his night of pleasures on his way out. No royal discount here anymore. Good for her.
SIX – The various Lords and Grand Maesters on the Council
On the one hand, they’ve all mostly stayed out of direct fire between the warring family members, which is good. Good and clever.
On the other hand, one of them delivers some kind of… there is no way other way to put this… abortion elixir to the Princess, as the King clearly doesn’t quite believe her when she said she and his brother didn’t hook up.
And if they’re so good at creating these elixirs, one of them has got to be whatever poison has been slowly killing their King, right? So at least one of them is likely to be found out as a wannabe assassin.
FIVE – Alicent Hightower (Emily Carey)
Her Dad has just been fired, she accused her only friend/stepdaughter of banging her uncle, and she’s stuck in loveless (but, unfortunately for her, still sex-filled) marriage with the decomposing King. Oh, and she seems to dislike her own, constantly-screaming babies.
Not a great time for the Queen, but at the very least, nobody seems to want to kill her. So that’s… something.
FOUR – Lord Corlys Velaryon (Steve Toussaint)
He wasn’t in this episode, but his presence was still mightily felt.
He didn’t return after last week’s victory, instead heading to other lands to try to wed his children off to other powerful families. Marriage as a power move is nothing new, but Lord Corlys is powerful enough to demand attention and respect. And so the King demands his daughter marry Corlys’ son, Laenor.
She agrees, so we’re sure to see them together in the next episode. As well as Corlys himself. Not to mention…
THREE – Princess Rhaenys Targaryen (Eve Best)
We haven’t seen the King’s sister in two episodes now, so we hope she’s keeping well, wherever she is.
We only hope she doesn’t return to the show just in time for a wedding that goes awry. Because, as you’ll recall, weddings in Westeros have a tendency not to go well…
TWO – Laenor Velaryon (John Macmillan)
Another no-show this week, but another leaving a huge impression even in his absence. He is soon to be the son-in-law to the King, and with the Princess still as the heir, when she takes over as Queen, Laenor will be the new King.
Hooray? Hooray. Except that now he’ll have a target on his back, placed there by Daemon. And Otto. And many more besides, undoubtedly.
But still, he’ll be King. So… hooray.
House of the Dragon: Episode Five – titled We Light The Way – will be available to watch on NOW and Sky from Monday, 19 September.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
