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10th March 2017
07:22pm GMT
Tie Man is live on BBC News. He's Professor of Political Science at Pusan National University in South Korea. Tie Man is on to discuss South Korea's policy towards North Korea and the unrest in the region.
This is a serious interview about a serious issue, and Tie Man is wearing his most serious tie for the occasion.
The interview with Tie Man is going well. “This is a triumph of democracy,” Tie Man says authoritatively. “Scandals happen all the time, the question is...”
"The question is: 'What's up, motherfu**ers?'" Sunglasses Girl, thrusting the door open with the careless vigour that only a determined toddler can muster, bursts into the frame. She's here to drink milk and f**k shit up, and she's all out of milk.
Unperturbed by Tie Man's serious interview, Sunglasses Girl swaggers up to the camera like Liam Gallagher's goose. She's all arms and shoulders, bouncing down like a tricked-out Cadillac or Flo Rida.
With her trademark sunnies clamped to her face, behind which her eyes declare, "I simply don't give a f**k," Sunglasses Girl rocks up to Tie Man to lay down some shit.
Panic! in the Studio. BBC News Guy alerts Tie Man to the invasion of Sunglasses Girl. Protecting his serious interview, Tie Man tries to push Sunglasses Girl in the face, hoping that the rest of her weak toddler body will follow.
But as we know, Sunglasses Girl is not here to hand out fu**s.
She appears to acquiesce, stepping back to sit on the bed, but it's a bluff. She chomps on her lolly, nonchalantly flopping down on the bed and knocking a whole bunch of shit loudly to the floor.
Sunglasses Girl is not here to hand out fu**s, you fu**s.
Attracted to trouble like a moth to a flame, Wheelie Baby rolls on to the scene. An unpredictable force of nature, Wheelie Baby wheels to and fro, wherever the wheels of chaos will carry it. Where there's an open door, Wheelie Baby will wheel on through.
The thing about Wheelie Baby is that Wheelie Baby doesn't have a clue what's going on. Sunglasses Girl is, as we've established, an agent of wilful destruction and has only the shattering of dreams in her heart, bless her.
Wheelie Baby just shows up and piles in, like Fat Alan in a pub brawl.
Everything starts to fall apart for Tie Man. His serious interview has turned into a baby-faced farce. "Pardon me," he murmurs. Eyes closed, Tie Man wishes he were miles away, alone on a desert island, sitting in his board shorts with a piña colada in his hand, giving his serious interview about South Korea.
Wheelie Baby cruises in, neither knowing nor caring about the gravity of the situation, nor its assured viral potency. As Sunglasses Girl tucks into her lolly, her shades cannot stop her eyes from talking. "I told you I came here to f**k shit up," they say.
"You didn't listen. But you're listening now, aren't you, bitch?"
The cavalry arrives, but all too late, skidding into the room like a wet horse on an ice rink. Panicking Nanny had one job: defend Tie Man from his mortal enemies, who would stop at nothing to destroy his serious interview, but they slipped through her fingers.
You can't help but feel sorry for Panicking Nanny. She was entrusted with a task that was too much for anyone to handle, and the expression on her face shows that she knew that, and knows it twice as well now. Darting into the room, a spooked octopus of flailing arms, she attempts to wrangle the unruly children.
Have you ever tried to gather havoc into your arms? Have you ever tried to do it live on television? Ask Panicking Nanny about it. You won't get an answer, but her thousand-yard stare will tell you everything you need to know.
The extraction process begins, a operation so difficult it would make the SAS sweat. Panicking Nanny does her best, but you try putting a leash on Cerberus and see how you get along. Tie Man grins and bears it, apologising again, even offering a little chuckle to try and paper over the chasm of awkwardness.
She yanks Sunglasses Girl from the bed, hoisting Wheelie Baby along with her. Wheelie Baby has one obvious advantage that Sunglasses Girl lacks: wheels. If all children had wheels - especially the demonic ones - childrearing would be a simpler task. Alas, they do not. God's error.
She gets them to the door. Sanctity is at hand.
Wheelie Baby gets stuck! The day is not done! The clueless chair child has thwarted Panicking Nanny and Tie Man! Just when you thought they were in the clear, all is undone! What a twist! Oh my God!
Summoning all the will in her body, Panicking Nanny unhooks Wheelie Baby from the doorframe and hoists it round the corner. There's only one thing left to do: close the last chapter of his epic struggle between good and children.
A final, epic, heroic stretch to pull the door to, to return order to the galaxy, to lock out the hellbeasts and restore order to the heavenly plains. This will go down as one of the greatest lunges in the history of lunging since Michael Jordan's game-winning arm-stretching dunk at the end of Space Jam.
Peace returns. Peace of sorts, anyway - having been foiled by Panicking Nanny, Sunglasses Girl and Wheelie Baby scream their lungs out in protest. Tie Man, a serious professional, returns to what he knows best: speaking slowly about important and serious things.
Over the wailing cries of his child nemeses, Tie Man rounds off his interview. By this point, no one could give less of a shit about what he's saying. The situation on the Korean Peninsula is bad and we should know about it, but what we just witnessed transcends information.
What we just witnessed was poetry in motion, and we'll never see anything like it again.
Oh, wait - *restarts video, watches again another 10,000 times*
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