Day 22.
Love Island, am I right?
Last night’s show was unexpectedly savage. Everyone was having a relatively nice time looking like that little pad of paper you find in stationary shops that people use to test pens, highlighters and rinse their friends by writing down their phone numbers accompanied by the phrase ‘Call 4 a good time – will not disappoint’.
Then Flack thundered into the villa. Caroline bloody Flack ruining freebie summer holidays since 2015 with her salon-finish hairstyles, authoritative strut, mischievous smile and thirst for drama. How dare she, how very dare she. Although she forced the islanders into sending Tom and Arabella home, so all in all, not a bad outcome on this occasion.
Here’s six things you might have missed during the show. Definitely get in touch to let me know if you spotted everything! Just kidding, I do not care.
1. Anna took a completely overexposed selfie
Firstly, we need to ask ourselves why. Why do the islanders have phones aside from the once daily text that could probably just be hand-delivered in a shiny envelope? Why do they take photographs of events that are being recorded at all times, 24 hours a day, even when they sleep? And finally, why doesn’t Anna, with a total Instagram following of 709k people, know how to take a selfie that isn’t overexposed? Look at that image. Her nose is translucent. All she needed to do was tap on her face, allowing the camera to focus and adjust the lighting accordingly, but she neglected to do so. Anna took a poor quality selfie to give the illusion that she has the nose of a Teletubby and that’s exactly what we can expect from her social media output when she leaves the villa. Influencers are vicious liars. Stay woke.
2. One of the horse handlers had to stifle her laughter at Tommy’s chronic singing ability
Clinging onto a horse for dear life, Tommy saw a chance to serenade Molly-Mae with a country-inspired song and he ran, nay galloped with it. As they trotted their way through the hot Spanish countryside, Tommy managed to wrangle together the lyrics “Me and Molly-Mae, we’re on our horses, we’re galloping down the street, I feel very insecure, he could buck me off, Molly-Mae looks sexy as fuck on a horse” and if that isn’t love then I simply don’t know what is. The entire way through the song(?), Molly-Mae’s horse handler was pursing her lips, trying to remain professional so that she could safely secure her full fee for appearing on TV. Her colleague looked like he wanted to die. All in all, exactly the reactions you’d expect in this kind of situation. Well done to both.
3. Tommy dropped the first Shrek reference of the series and frankly it took longer than anyone expected
Molly-Mae and Tommy were talking about his relationship with Lucie when he drew the comparison of the series. Tommy Fury, all 6ft and 13st of Tommy Fury, legitimately said “Everyone’s going to have an opinion. I could say Shrek and Fiona aren’t suited…” and with that, the circle of life became complete. Shrek is an important milestone with our generation. It must legally be shoehorned into every TV series to remain culturally relevant. Tommy sat on that reference for three weeks, slowly waiting for the right moment for it to materialise organically. Although he took his time getting the mention in, Tommy will still receive a residual cheque in the post when he’s out of the villa. Shrek’s PR team are said to be chuffed with the recognition.
4. Curtis’ tiny torso did a cannonball into the pool
While Maura was giving Tom a thorough going over and Arabella and Danny looked on in awe, Curtis’ tiny little body did a cannonball into the Love Island pool with the gay abandon of a toddler who’s trying to get his parents’ attention as they argue. Look at his tiny little body, knees tucked under his arms and into obscurity. He’s eyeing up everyone else hoping that they’ll notice his form, possibly even halt their disagreements to praise him. He hopes Maura will take a break from shrieking at Tom to say “Maybe I should be with someone like Curtis, a guy who has shrunk to half his size since the last time we saw him on screen, but at least he can nail a cannonball. That’s a real man, Tom, and I want a slice of that delicious pie”. Or maybe it’s just Curtis’ reflection in the water making him look small. Impossible to tell, really.
5. Lucie gave us an accurate depiction of what it’s like to attend a party with people you’ve got nothing in common with
Lucie is under house arrest in the villa with a group of people that are mostly not her cup of tea. It’s hard, she’s trying to find common ground with people that don’t understand her edgy surfer ways. She’s made more of an effort to integrate lately, which is very honourable, but every so often she gives a stunning depiction of what it’s like to be the only square peg at a very round hole party. Last night, while everyone was touching their butts and discussing whatever the latest drama in the villa entailed, Lucie was sitting to the side, buried in her phone, presumably playing Candy Crush or that horrific Love Island simulation game. She’s bored. These people are not her usual kind. The solace of being alone is a joy. Lucie is all of us. We are all that socially awkward person teetering at the edge of a party pretending to text someone. Thank you Lucie for bringing reality back into reality TV.
6. Caroline subtly but bravely declared her love for cheesy fries
Marching into the villa like a cat that has got the cream and subsequently sold it on for a higher price, Flack received the usual unwarranted hype from the Love Island contestants as they slowly worked out that she had brought with her some bad news. Although she ultimately pitted them against each other for the sake of light entertainment, Flack did something far more powerful than that. She subtly but decidedly announced her partnership with cheesy fries by wearing a ‘CF’ necklace. It’s a bold statement to make, especially in this economic climate, but Caroline Flack did it with grace. She is now coupled up with cheesy fries and will remain devoted until she discovers taco fries or simply chips with a big heap of garlic sauce lumped on the top. Well done Flack and thank you for sharing this brave statement with all of us. We wish you a lifetime of happiness together.
Images via ITV
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