Day Six.
Welcome to the second week of Love Island 2019.
Not much has changed to be honest; everyone is still furiously horny, multiple love triangles exist, Anton is still very much yet to prove that he has any sort of game whatsoever.
Last night’s episode was fine, it was fine. Nothing kicked off, nobody announced that they were in Blazin’ Squad. It was just fine.
It’s likely that some key moments slipped through your attention span as you kept one eye on the TV and the other in the group chat. Not to worry, let’s get you up to speed.
Here’s six moments you might’ve missed, champ.
1. Tommy tested the temperature of an iron USING HIS BARE HAND
Before they went to bed, Molly-Mae asked Tommy to check that the iron was turned off. It was an honourable request, with Molly-Mae evidently determined not to perish in a preventable fire during her first night in the Love Island villa.
Gentleman Tommy leaned over and picked up the iron, then planted his giant hand right across the front of the iron in a caveman-like way. Sadly, it transpired that the iron was indeed plugged out, which meant Tommy dodged learning a valuable lesson about how to avoid getting second degree burns on your paws.
Not only does this expose Tommy’s lack of basic common sense, it also proves beyond reasonable doubt that the man has never seen the whimsical adventures outlined in Home Alone.
2. Just before going asleep, Joe sat on the edge of his bed and playfully squeezed his belly
We’ve all been there, sat open-mouthed gazing into the abyss, grabbing the rolls of fat on our stomachs before we go to bed. Sometimes it takes place after a large meal to check if it has instantly added a fresh layer of blubber to our form, other times it’s just a senseless act to see how far away we are from having an Instagram-ready flat stomach.
Either way, the presence of 69 live cameras didn’t deter Joe from this endeavour, whereby he pinched the area around his bellybutton for no apparent reason whatsoever, awaiting the arrival of Lucie so that they could spend their first night together in their pre-marital bed, free to kiss, cuddle and touch each others’ belly fat to their hearts’ content.
3. Michael went to town on his tongue, furiously brushing it like an angry violinist
Us seasoned Love Island viewers have long become accustomed with the contestants’ strange grooming rituals, but none are as comforting as the aggressive tongue-brushing practices that surface each year.
For some reason, the villa’s inhabitants always go ham on their precious tongues, presumably for the benefit of the cameras. Michael’s aim here is blatant. He wants that sweet sponsorship deal with Tongue Cleaning Detox Teas. He’s hungry for the advertising revenue and unfortunately, we have to respect the hustle.
Imagine the TV ads, Michael in a polo neck slowly walking towards the camera, hands clasped in confidence. “Hi, I’m Michael from Love Island and there’s nothing I love more than having a clean tongue.”
4. Joe, same as Tommy, does not know how to go about checking the temperature of an iron correctly
Genuinely what is being taught in schools anymore? Spelling, grammar, the Pythagorean theorem? The British education system needs a complete overhaul if this is what graduating students are carrying on like.
The morning after Tommy heroically ensured that the iron had been plugged out, Joe went and performed the exact same foolish manoeuvre by putting his hand on the front of the iron to test if it was working.
These gentlemen are degenerates. Everyone knows that the correct way to test an iron is to find a small child nearby, get them to check it with their tiny hands and based on their reaction, gauge whether it’s hot or not (this method works because the child will forget about the potential horrific burns by the time they grow up).
5. Tommy made Molly-Mae an omelette in the sense that he watched Curtis do it all, but then put it on the plate himself
Nice one Tommy, tenderly asking for help with the sole intention of having the other person take over and do the entire task themselves. Tommy’s performance last night was a masterclass in getting someone to take pity on you, then exploiting them to their death.
Helpful Curtis jumped at the chance to impart his omelette-making knowledge on the boxer, giddily whisking the eggs and then delicately getting them on a sufficient heat. Tommy stood idly by, having committed the scam of the century in getting Sharif to make Molly-Mae’s tea the day before, now allowing Curtis to make her breakfast.
The man has an appetite for inaction like no other. He’ll enlist Anton to make sweet love to her in no time. What a dude, what a guy. Our boy Tommy.
6. Anton and Curtis had a couple of semis together
As both boys giddily made tea together for their respective love interests, it became apparent that Anton and Curtis had a couple of semis (skimmed cartons of milk) between them.
Presumably, the islanders have different milk requirements, some desiring full fat, others opting for a lesser quantity, potentially even a few almond milk nuts are in the villa right now. Whatever their preference, the most important thing to remember here is that it’s going to be a very long summer in the Love Island villa and we must make our fun wherever and however we see fit.
If that means making an immature joke based on the bold font choice placement on a carton of milk, so be it. Thank you.
Images via ITV
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