Day 10.
Just another classic day in that ruddy Love Island villa innit?
Thanks to the arrival of Maura ‘I Would Jump On Him’ Higgins, we finally have a bit of drama on that godforsaken island and life is finally worth living again.
It took nine days for things to finally kick off, but we mustn’t look back on the mundanity as a failure. The scene was set. Serenity was achieved. Everyone was happy. Then thankfully with the addition of a furiously horny 28-year-old from Longford, we finally got a one-way ticket to Drama Town.
Storm Maura now continues to rip her way through the Love Island villa, destroying everything in her path. Buckle up for safety because much like the heating in our office during the assumedly warm summer months, it’s all about to go off.
Here’s six important moments you might’ve missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. Anton provided the shock of the series by producing a very decent looking spaghetti carbonara
Look at that. LOOK. At. That. Anton ‘Obviously I Am Attracted To You’ Danyluk knows how to make spaghetti carbonara, and what’s more, he even knows how to plate it up very decently with some tasteful dollops of pesto around the edges seeping into the sauce.
This is the shock of the series. If you had to guess which guys in the villa can cook, obviously Tommy is bottom of that list but Anton would’ve been close there beside him, based on a very strong hunch and the knowledge that he actively eats dry rice cakes for a snack.
But colour me judgemental and wrong because Anton very clearly knows his way around some spaghetti, ham and cream with that impressive dish. Perhaps he also has some successful chat-up lines hidden away to unleash at a later date too. Lol jk the boy has no game.
2. Anton chose not to eat in front of his date, instead shovelling the food into his mouth in the privacy of the kitchen afterwards
Eating food on a date is entirely different to eating food in the privacy of your own home. For starters, you must use cutlery and pace yourself, conducting things in a respectable manner to trick somebody into fancying you.
Then you have to pepper the meal with light conversation, swallowing at the right intervals to avoid that horrific choking ordeal where you inhale too sharply, causing a piece of food to shoot right into your windpipe, resulting in a coughing fit, reddening face, panicked expression and for some reason a teary eye. Anton had the presence of mind to starve himself during the date, rushing over to the kitchen afterwards to horse the food into him. The guy has turned into the people’s champion in the space of a few days and we, unfortunately, have to respect the hustle.
3. Maura! Finally! Gave! Us! The! Glimpse! Of! Drama! We! So! Desperately! Have! Been! Craving!
Thankfully, at last, by the grace of God, a cool 10 days into the Love Island process, we’ve been gifted a Messiah in the form of Maura, a 28-year-old Longford girl who came into the villa to be aggressively horny towards Tommy Fury and also single-handedly save the entire series.
While the girls were overlooking the dates from their conveniently-positioned balcony, Maura was far from impressed with their childish antics. She declared “I’ll give them something to talk about” and then suggestively fed Michael a forkful of creamy banana.
Credit where it’s due, Love Island 2019 was on its knees before she burst into the villa with a lust for both shagging and drama stronger than we’ve ever seen on primetime national television before. Get your popcorn into the microwave or whatever modern device you choose to make it in because things are about to get both salty and interesting.
4. People were so distracted by the unfolding drama, they failed to sufficiently body Amy for looking like the dancing lady emoji
Amy got very little airtime during last night’s Love Island due to the overwhelming amount of drama that took place, which means very few people got to see that she was dressed exactly like the dancing lady emoji.
This is funny for two reasons. Firstly, people looking like emojis is never not funny. Secondly, she’s currently in the process of trying to woo Curtis, a professional dancer. His most used emoji is probably the dancing lady. Amy is a smart girl and this is pure strategy on display here. Whatever her reasoning, Amy deserves commendation for thinking on her feet in times of desperation.
Following suit, Joe should dress like the surfer boy emoji tomorrow, which is basically just a blue wetsuit. He should perish under the hot Mallorcan sun in the name of love. Amber should dress like a burning body. Lucie should dress like a BLT on sourdough. Maura should punch someone.
5. Molly-Mae and Anna dressed in hi-vis clothing because it was advisable to approach the girls with caution last night
Molly-Mae was extremely On One last night and Anna was firmly in her corner the entire time, defending the group’s childish actions and adding fuel to the already violently-burning fire. The pair of them were frankly frightening in their pursuit to bring the boys to justice after a very head-turning evening.
Aesthetically, both Molly-Mae and Anna dressed to suit their moods, which has to be applauded. High-visibility clothing is worn in areas of danger for ease of detection. Both needed to be approached with extreme caution last night, ideally with hard hats and steel-toed boots and a lunchbox complete with a keep warm flask of tea. Hell hath no fury like a duo of neon-clad women scorned.
6. Maura spent the entire evening trying to steal Tommy from Molly-Mae while wearing the girl’s jacket because her thirst for drama is unparalleled
This is a masterclass in bursting onto the scene of a reality television show and we are not worthy. Maura schmoozed with the rest of the contestants after the dates ended, admitting that she was quite chilly from sitting outside (in Marbella) for the evening. So Molly-Mae offered up her jacket and with that, the power move of the series was lined up.
Maura wore that jacket, but not properly, heavens no. She draped it over her shoulders like a decadent movie villain while she proceeded to steal Tommy’s heart and attention away from Molly-Mae. It’s a baller play and we simply have to stan. Maura is going to save this series from the brink of mundanity and we owe her a great debt for this noble service. Her horniness has saved Love Island 2019 and the public discourse at large.
Images via ITV
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